For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light. Ps36:9

This thought popped into my mind while I was reading this, this morning.  I'm running a great distance, in the dark and I am thirsty.  In the distance I can make out a point of light in the darkness ahead.  As I slowly make my way closer, I hear the sound of trickling water but am unable to see its source.  My thirst intensifies, I need refreshing.  The light is illuminating something, but I am still too far to make it out.  I push myself to mover farther ahead, closer to that which beckons me.  I stumble.  As I right myself, I see a fountain of cool, clean water begging my presence.  I reach out my cupped hand bringing the refreshing sweetness to my lips.  Joy permeates my being and I am transfixed by the lightness of my body.  Surely I have found God.  Let me stay and rest awhile in this place.

In the simpleness of a moment, we can savor the sweetness of God!

Looking up!~Barb

Denial (not a river in Egypt!)

The past few days I’ve been trying to write about denial and I’ve been having a difficult time collecting all of my thoughts on it.  I am in the middle of a book “Crave” by Lysa Terkhurst and she phrased the definition of denial in such a way that it was an aha moment for me.  She said, “But self-control is hard.  We don’t like to deny ourselves.  We don’t think it is necessary.  We make excuses and declare, “That’s nice for you, but I could never give that up.”  Denial takes self discipline, it requires effort, it just doesn’t happen!  Ouch!

Remember back a few years ago, the saying, “no pain, no gain?”  We all probably uttered that phrase a time or two, but did you ever stop and really think about it?  We all seem to want results in the areas we are focusing on, but few of us want to work hard enough to see those results.  Our society has gotten so caught up in the instant gratification of just about everything, that if the results we are seeking don’t pop up on our “minds” screen within a few minutes, we deem that activity/desire a failure.

Denial takes self-control and that is a personality trait that seems to be going by the wayside.  I include myself in this mind you.  In regard to weight loss, since that is a current battle I’m fighting…..it took a while for those pounds I’m trying to lose, to get packed onto my body.  Unfortunately, it didn’t take as long as it will to off load them!  I have had to literally “fight” myself in order not to head to the pantry and open a bag of potato chips or even more tempting to me, the Ghirardelli 60% chocolate morsels.  I rationalize my lack of self-control by saying it was a hard day, or I worked out a lot or even worse, not caring because it was just too hard of a day!  This self-control/instant gratification isn’t just for food; it is for alcohol, drugs, sex, material things, relationships etc.  We want what we want and we want it NOW!

Then Easter came.  A friend of mine sent an email by Max Lucado and the following is his quote:” Before the nail was pounded, a drink was offered. Mark says the wine was mixed with myrrh. Matthew described it as wine mixed with gall. Both myrrh and gall contain sedative properties that numb the senses. But Jesus refused them. He refused to be stupefied by the drugs, opting instead to feel the full force of his suffering.” 
Jesus denied Himself the ability to be anesthetized…..and I’m having a hard time in the pantry?!  Has my stomach, become my “god” that I have to pay homage to it?  What I am finding so fascinating about this book “Crave” is that it is highlighting that we were made to “crave” something.  The thing is, we just have fixated on the wrong cravings.  We continue to get our fill of food in my instance, but it isn’t fully satisfying, because a short time later, I’m hungry again.  The same could be said for a shopaholic.  They buy an outfit, but then need another piece to complete it, or as a budding photographer, I feel that if I only had that better camera or that program that lets me be more creative, then my pictures will somehow be that much better.  Where does it stop?  BTW….sometimes the pictures do get better, but it still winds up being never-ending, because things will always be improved upon.
God is available to supply our needs, not our wants.  The craving He instilled in us, was a craving for a relationship with Him.  He is the only fully satisfying phenomenon and funny enough, when I am in His presence, the only thing I seem to want is to dwell in simplicity there with Him.  It is at that moment, in the midst of a chaotic world, I feel a sense of peace that is indescribable.  It is my choice to remain there, unfortunately the world beckons and I move forward as a cog in the wheel of rotating motion.  Slowly though, as I learn to deny myself, I learn to simplify my life and I draw closer to Him.  Yes, it takes self-discipline, but I’ve learned through all this, that I was never the one in control from the start!
Looking up!~Barb

Voices

Two weeks ago, during a Bible study, the question arose, is it possible to hear God’s voice?  I said yes, and from there, the conversation got interesting.  Someone asked how did you know?  Someone asked what did it sound like?  And basically all I could tell them was that it was a feeling that came over me which then turned into a deeper discussion about the fickleness of feelings.

I am pretty open in sharing my opinions.  I don’t necessarily always think I’m right, but I’m open to and always inviting discussions.   That said, I’m not a very good debater, because I can’t always come up with the necessary facts to support my beliefs…….at the time they are being debated.  I know others have had the situation whereby the “quip” they need in response, comes back 2 hours after the conversation is over!  Yeah, that would include me.

Sometimes I share the same story, because I want to emphasize a point.  This will be one of those times.  When Nanc was sick (pancreatic cancer), I went to bed thinking about the enormity of what this disease meant; I knew the statistics, but didn’t want to assume anything.  In the middle of the night, I “woke up” crying, (which did not awaken my husband?) and I heard what I am saying was God’s voice.  I wasn’t scared, I was just gently being asked a two part question about whether or not I wanted to be involved in Nancy’s care and whether or not I’d be able to her go, should it come to that.  I said no….because I didn’t know how to care for her and secondly, that I wouldn’t be able to let go.  I felt terrible, this was someone I considered my best friend and I was denying her.  At that point, I was assured that everything I would need to care for her, would be provided, so my no became an emphatic yes.  I would worry about letting go, only should it become necessary.  This conversation was real, as real as any I might have with anyone standing in my presence.

Anyway, I raised some eyebrows recanting this story because I’m sure some thought I was “dreaming this” or that I’m completely nuts.

This morning while reading my devotional, I came across the “quip” I needed two weeks ago.  It said, “Miss anything else, but do not miss My voice.  Other voices may introduce disharmony, but My voice will always bring peace to your heart and clarity to your thinking.  For when you turn to the left or right, you will hear My voice behind you saying:  This is the way, walk in it.”  (Come Away my Beloved)

I wish that I was always able to hear God’s voice that clearly!  Most times I am too cluttered in my thinking to allow myself to be vulnerable enough.  God uses us in our weakest moments, any other time we are too busy being self-sufficient!

The ending to that story about Nancy was that we were all amazed at the number of times when I would “know” what it was that she needed and exactly at the time she needed it.  An example is the time, early in the morning on a Saturday, when I just showed up at her house, walking in the door, into her room as she was saying to her husband, call Barb.  They looked at me, I shrugged, how did I know to come?  I don’t have an answer for that other than to say, it was God who supplied everything, I was just willing to be His vessel.

Without a shadow of a doubt, I believe that He talks to us, the problem isn’t that He doesn’t, the problem is that we aren’t listening.  The new picture on my blog was one I took Easter morning at the cemetery’s sunrise service.  I hear God’s voice in this picture.  It is inviting all to a place of comfort, of tranquility.  As the rockers have served as place of contentment, I hope this picture can also serve as a sanctuary of reassurance.  Put yourself in this place…..can you hear Him?

Looking up! ~Barb

God's Gift

“What you are is God’s gift to you; what you make of yourself is your gift to God.” ~ Anonymous

No two are alike, maybe eerily similar, yet still unique.  This makes me think about how we envy and try to imitate someone else’s truth and try to call it our own instead of developing the beautiful gifts God has given each of us.  Rather than excavate our own caverns looking for the buried treasure hidden within us, we choose to instead use our picks and shovels mining someone else’s fortune and when we come away with nothing we are discouraged and disillusioned.

Sometimes development takes an incredibly long time and my own life is an example.  I was blessed with different talents, one of them being the love and ability to play various sports.  So, it seemed natural that I would parlay that love into a career and so I went to college to study physical education.  Halfway through my education I realized I really only enjoyed playing the games, so I tried, half-heartedly, to change to a new career major (nursing) but encountered a huge problem.  It required that I start over.  I was too ashamed to do that and too afraid to admit I had made a mistake to my parents who were financing 4 of us in college at the same time.  That said, I graduated with my teaching degree but without the fervent desire to teach.  Mind you, I did quite well, when I did my student teaching, but I lacked the enthusiasm inwardly.  This proved to be a bigger waste of their money than had I pursued my passion!

The point I am trying to make was that in trying to emulate the fabulous teachers and coaches of my youth, I blocked my own path!  And today at the age of 55, that path still beckons me, but I question its integrity, because as it did 35 years ago, it means that I would have to start over and now the light for that path has started to fade.

There has been one constant throughout the journey for me though.  It is one that I haven’t fully developed or spent a great deal of time pursuing; in fact until the recent undertaking of the CNA course, I wasn’t aware how strong its calling was beckoning me.  I love to put my thoughts on paper and allow others to relate to them.  It is not that I think my thoughts are so special, it is more that I think that my thoughts are shared by others.  In sharing them, I have a sense that others might not feel so alone.  If any of my thoughts have resonated with others, to make them feel somehow understood, then the gift I’ve been given has been blessed by God!

Truth is something that we may not recognize.  I envision truth to be like a mountain stream, pure in nature, sweet tasting and light.  As it starts out at the top of the mountain, closest to God, it is uncontaminated.  As it cascades down and it encounters human life, the deeper it gets into civilization the more tainted and perverted it becomes.  We shape our truths to fit our selfish needs.  We envy and manipulate distorting the pictures. 

Years ago, I read one of Tony Robbins books.  His principles might be correct, but only if each of us uses them in our own truth.  When you see someone who is successful, and you inquire to their plan of success, take that plan and then make it your own.  See, what I did back in college, was look to those teachers and I tried to do their plan and I found myself sorely lacking in my ability to accomplish that.  It is great to have a mentor, but we were not meant to be a clone!

It is never too late to dream or to make your dreams a reality and like the opening statement made by that anonymous person, we gift God back with what we make of ourselves.  Continue excavating your fields, we are not done developing and learning until we are laid to rest!

Looking up!~ Barb

He took the nails for me!

He took the nails for me!

Last night I went to our church’s Maundy Thursday service, it was the first time I’ve ever gone to this service of darkness.  A friend and I walked into the sanctuary, and other than the candles that were lit on the speaking platform, the room was dark.  Upon arrival, each of us was handed a red square of paper, about the size of a post-it note, but without the stickiness.

Through the short service of singing and scripture being read, I finally realized I was grown up enough to pay attention to what really happened that day.  Our minister laid out the time line of the sequence of events and as closely as I can recollect them….

 

Jesus had dinner with his 12 best friends, the guys he could count on.  Hmmm.  The meal was progressing, with easy conversation, when an argument ensued about which one of them was going to have the honor of sitting beside Jesus when he finally would attain that leadership position.  But, these 12 guys still didn’t get it, they were thinking this was going to be an earthly position of power.  At this point, Jesus lovingly does something, no one at that table expected.  He takes off his robes, and grabs a basin of water and proceeds to wash their feet.  The point being, not about how great He was, but how willing He was to lower Himself to serving others!

Ok, here’s the part where I’ve just gotta ask.  Can anyone of us, just walk up to our families or friends and say, how about sitting down and taking off your shoes/socks and let me wash your feet?  Let me tell you, it isn’t an easy proposition, because we are too worried about 1 or 2 things…..either we, as the foot washer are too inhibited to ask because the washee may think we are crazy OR as the washee we are concerned that we haven’t had a pedicure in a while!

Same thing went through the minds of Jesus’ guys…..and these were guys….just in case you think it was hard for a woman to do it!  Back in their day, they wore sandals and didn’t bathe as we do today!  Anyway, this still isn’t the point of my blog today.

After supper, Jesus goes out to the garden to pray.  He knows what is coming, He really doesn’t want to do it, but He is willing to proceed if it is His father’s will.  What He doesn't want to do is be separated from His Father's sight and by accepting His Father's will, He knows that He cannot be with Him.  Back to the timeline.  Dinner wraps up and he heads to the Garden to pray.  The garden is symbolic of the downfall of human kind, so He goes to attone in a garden.  About midnight, He is betrayed by one of the 12, and is taken to Pilate.  He is spat on, cursed out, ridiculed, and slapped.  At 1:30 am, He is put into a prison cell.  About 6 am He is taken before Pilate, who thinks He is innocent and also, whose wife has had a dream about Him, which she relates to Pilate furthering his conviction that Jesus is innocent.  Pilate ships Him off to Herod, Herod mocks Him and sends Him back to Pilate.  Pilate has Him whipped by leather belts with glass, metal and stones attached to it hoping that this will satisfy those asking for His death and this is about 7:30 am.   It doesn't.  From there He is asked to drag His cross through the streets to the hill called Golgatha, which is next to the town’s dump.  He is told to lie down on this cross and is nailed through His wrists and ankles (because as it was said last night in our service, if it was through flesh, the flesh would have torn and released Him from the cross).  At 9 am, His cross is planted in the ground, where for the next 6 hours, He literally suffocates.  Each breath causes Him to have to rise up on His pinned feet to be able to breathe, thus taking His raked back over the rough splinters of the wood.  At 3 He is pronounced dead.

At this point of the service, we are asked to write down a sin (or sins) we can’t seem to let go of.  We are then instructed to go to the nearest cross (to where we are sitting) and pound the nail we are given through that sin and to the cross.  After that, we are to walk and receive communion and then go back to our seats.

Let me just tell you.  As I took that hammer and found that unoccupied place on that cross in which to pound my nail, the first thing I thought before hammering, was that I was sorry!  After receiving communion, we went back to our seats and listened, to the sounds of those nails being pounded in.  Never have I experienced what I did last night.  The sounds of those hammers hitting those nails, made it all the more personal to me!  Just before leaving, our minister then said to us, each of you have nailed your sin(s) to the cross, he then instructs us that we are to leave them there and not pick them back up, because to pick them back up means that what Jesus did for each of us was pointless!    He took the nails for me!

I always close with “looking up” today, I do so with tears in my eyes!

Barb

The Last Diet - Questions to chew on!

Does the word diet send panic to anyone else besides me?  I mean really?!  The idea of being disciplined, especially in light of my enjoying cooking is wreaking havoc on me!  I’ve already blogged about “The Dress” and now I’ve got to fit into that darn thing and have it altered in less than 2 weeks and I still haven’t lost any weight!!!  On top of that, I need to put on a bathing suit and try to sit outside and get a tan or worse, I may have to go to a spray tanning booth and have someone squirt tanner on me??!!!  I will definitely be going with a friend and having a couple of shots if that is what I am reduced to…..does spray tanner come off one’s teeth, because I know I will be cracking up at the prospect!

Seriously though…..

I am reading a book about losing weight.  It is written from an entirely different perspective.  The name of the book is “Made to Crave – Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food,” by Lysa Terkeurst.  This book is phenomenal!  A friend and I are reading this and trying to do this weight loss thing together.  Let me give you a couple of the chapter titles: Friends don’t let friends eat before thinking; I’m not defined by numbers; Making Peace with the realities of my body; But exercise makes me want to cry; The Curse of the Skinny Jeans; Why Diets don’t work…..and others, but I think you get the idea.

At the end of each chapter, Lysa asks a few very thought provoking questions.  Right now I’m on Chapter 4, and I have to work through Chapter 8 before tomorrow morning, when I meet up with my friend to discuss our answers.  We’ve decided that we are going to pick 2 questions from each chapter and then discuss them.  I’m on Chapter 4 – Friends don’t let friends eat before thinking!  I’m being brave and sharing the answers with anyone who might be able to relate……that is, what blogging is all about right?!

Question 1:  When a friend experience success with healthy food choices and losing weight, do you feel encouraged and inspired by her example, or do you feel discouraged and envious?  Do you communicate your feelings to your friend or keep them to yourself?

Wow, now I have to be honest and it is going to hurt -

My answer – Discouraged and envious because they appear to be more disciplined then I am.  After (today – not such a good day!) I am very much aware of wanting to be the person I AM, not who others expect me to be….but, I’m not quite sure who I am anymore, somewhere along the way, I’ve compromised, again ouch!!  The second part of the question – I offer encouragement and congratulations to them and keep my whining to myself.

Question 4 – If you were to imagine a life-giving experience of accountability, one that empowers you and helps you to feel companioned rather than alone in your struggles, how would you describe that experience?  What kind of person would you want to be accountable to?  What do you hope this person would do for you?  What do you hope they would not do?  How would you determine whether or not the relationship is providing effective accountability?

My answer – This is a multi-faceted question that requires insight, to more than just my eating habits!  The accountability experience needs to be handled with diplomacy.  Right now I am experiencing a craving that is about to send me to the moon.  I am aware that I am feeling a bit of despair over various situations in life.  I am craving “comfort” to fill the ache in my heart.  It is 9:30 pm and I’m feeling pretty close to tears.  I have a friend struggling through an addiction; I can empathize with her struggle of how hard it is not giving into the weakness of desire!

The experience I desire is one whereby my accountability partners can empathize with my weakness and help me transition through the momentary struggle until the urge has passed. Anyone? The situation might get down and dirty at some point, but the perseverance through to the desired outcome would be worth the effort, I hope!

The person(s) I’d want to be accountable to would have to know me well enough to know me at my weakest and be able to offer support even if I am saying I don’t need or want it.  The person(s) should not be enablers.  And when I do my rationalization thing, they need to call me on it!

I would hope those I’m accountable to wouldn’t give up on me, even if they were sick of my whining.  The relationship would hopefully prove to be mutually effective by our ability to meet the goals we set for ourselves.

So, I made it through the first craving at 9:30 and I was craving a nut mixture with M&Ms, raisins, peanuts and cashews, and now that it is 10:30, I’m going to go to bed, because that craving is presenting itself AGAIN!  

Looking Up!~ Barb

Sick and Tired

Has an underlying theme been making the rounds of your life?  I sure have been touched by one, for me, it is one on trust.  I seem to have a great deal of trouble trusting people!  In my lack of trust of others, I have then segued that lack of trust and brought God down off His throne and put Him into a box of my creation (humanness) and thought Him too unworthy of my trust.  It was pointed out in the devotional “Jesus Calling” that when I complain or appear to be critical, I am saying to God, that He is mismanaging MY world!  Wow, that stopped me in my tracks!

 I then went on to a different devotional, “Women’s Friendship Devotional” and saw the following phrases, look for them in quotation marks.  “Your family that you came from is important, but not as important as the family you will leave behind.”  Stop and let that sink into your mind!  The baggage we bring forward from our childhoods we deposit into our own families.  If you were compared to others growing up, your tendency with your own children might then be to compare them!  What if you weren’t good enough, do you then raise children who continually strive for, but never quite attain perfection?

This devotional then went on to share a phrase from Alcoholics Anonymous, “You have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired” before you will find yourself ready to change!  That I found to be pretty profound.  Edwin Lutzer said “Many refuse to develop a positive attitude.  The reason is simple: They plan to fail.”  It seems to me, as long as you are seeing results, even if they aren’t the ones you want, you will continue doing the actions that produce the outcome!  If the outcome of your desires is attention, and negativity is what produces that result, you are going to hang onto it.  A baby cries, the parent picks him/her up and feeds or offers other comfort.  Soon, the baby realizes that he/she only has to cry to get attention.  As parents we had to learn to differentiate between the baby’s cries!  It was one of the hardest thing as a young parent to listen to my child cry, but knowing he/she was fed, burped, clean and not in harm's way, I had to let them sometimes work it out themselves.

God is equally discerning to our cries.  God wants to be part of our lives, always, not just when we want Him.  When He designed us, He put in His needs and we have distorted that “button” and allowed our perversions to try to fill that which only He can fill.  He calls to us in our weariness.  Could the obstacles that stand in your way, the ones you are crying and complaining about, have been placed by God in His attempt to direct us back to Him?  I believe He is discerning for the cry of our hunger for Him, and ignoring our cry of frustration of our own ways!

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired yet?  I know I am!

Looking up!~Barb

Mountains of fear

I woke up this morning thinking about the topic of discussion that is planned for tonight’s Bible study and that topic is fear.  We’ve been asked to name our greatest fear.  In asking the question, we suggested everyone look for what I will call a more substantial fear, rather than simply something we can avoid (like snakes or heights).  I don’t know that I like this assignment, because in thinking of my “fears,” I'm starting to get a snowball effect and before thinking about this subject, I wasn’t even aware of really fearing anything!

Years ago, Bette Midler sang a song, “The Rose” it is one of my all time favorites and was also one of my Mom’s favorites, enough so that I calligraphied it and framed it and it hung on her bedroom wall, right next to her side of the bed.  Some of its most captivating lyrics include :

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

The above pretty much sums up my fears!

My heart has been broken many a time and it usually is broken by other people.  Somewhere along the line though, someone uttered this phrase, which I find to be interesting in its significance, “Hurt people, hurt people.”  Whether or not we want to see ourselves, we are all hurt people, so we all have this capacity to “do unto others what they have done unto us.”  But how badly have you been hurt?  Have you been wounded to the point that you avoid any form of enjoyment? (life's dances?)

My dreams make me ask myself a couple of questions.  What were they?  And what are they now?  See, I think as we grow so do our dreams and I’m not talking about growing larger.  I think we outgrow some of our dreams, especially as we start realizing them.  When I say outgrowing them I don’t mean that we no longer want/need the product of those dreams, I mean we might have achieved it and then look to dreams beyond it.  Take for an example marriage.  It was my dream to be married and having been married for the past 29 years, I’m not looking to still try to realize that as my dream any longer, and FYI, I do love my husband! What I am referring to is the dreams we are still seeking.  Incidently I consider myself fortunate to have had God lead me to the right partner, but it still took/takes a lot of work on both our parts (Bruce’s and mine) and I have to admit when led in this direction, it was before I was even conscious about wanting God in our lives.  This same dream could be in relation to being a parent. Again, I’ve been very fortunate to have realized this dream, twice!  But sometimes our dreams require us to do a bit more work, again using the dream of having children, what happens if you are infertile?  Do you withstand the ordeal of being tested to find out which partner has the “problem?”  And upon finding out that “you” are the "problem", how does that make you feel?  Do you then go through the necessary steps, whatever they may be, to still try?  Do you adopt?  I love the idea of adoption, my sister and her husband adopted a baby boy from Korea, 12 years ago.  My son’s fiancée was adopted as a baby and one of my dearest friends also adopted a baby years ago.  The point being is that these 3 families realized their dream of being parents by taking that chance.  There was a 3-fold blessing in each of these scenarios, the birth mother chose life, the blessing of the child to the parent(s) and the blessing of the parents to that chosen child.  But what about the dreams we now face, especially if we are finding ourselves older and in this economy unemployed?  What if our “dreams” went up in smoke – our marriage disintegrated, our job lost for whatever reason, our children who have passed away before their time, especially if they passed before us, their parents?  What do we dream and look to take a chance on now?  Are we afraid?

I have been taken advantage of more times that I can count.  I put myself out there to offer assistance hoping that when my time comes and I need help with something, someone will remember that I helped them and then return the favor.  Unfortunately living with that expectation of having the favor returned has been a source of hurt for me.  The cynical me, believes that this occurs because people either forget, are unwilling or are too dang busy in their own lives to be able to help others.  Consequently what we are seeing in society is a shutting down of our civilization.  Growing up, I watched as neighbor upon neighbor erected back porches, one after another, right down our street.  The men, our fathers, all pitched in together and the payment was a bucket of beers that they drank together at the end of the day.  Now I’m not against contractors, they make their living building those back porches, but what happened to our communities?  I walk past houses in our neighborhood and noticed blinds that are always closed, shutting out the light and their neighbors.   I give now out of the overflowing of my heart, I no longer hope or seek repayment.

Finally, the last stanza of the song, “being so afraid of dying, that you never learn to live”.  To me, this is the absolute key to everything about life.  This is the stronghold, or fear, that Satan uses to paralyze us in our movements.  This is so crucial because in our fear of failure we no longer even make attempts.  I’ve been there and I use a boatload of excuses to stay here at times.  Those excuses can look like this (generalized, not specifically mine) – I’m too old, I don’t know how, I don’t have the money, nobody likes me and the list can go on and on.  Broken down to the fundamental roots, dying is the equivalent to failing and living is on par with succeeding.  We have been so beaten down from either trying and failing or by believing someone else’s opinion of our skills, that to risk trying is like attempting to scale a mountain we have no business climbing.  Crap, I’m so busted in this conviction.  I’ve let someone else’s opinion of me take precedence over my opinion of myself.  Someone else’s view of my life has colored my picture!

Which brings me to a card I sent to Nancy, during her ordeal with pancreatic cancer.  The card showed a picture of a mountain and a person standing in front of it.  It read “Don’t tell God how big your mountain is, tell the mountain how big your God is!” 

This card chokes me up every time I think of it.  I’ve just had the realization that I try in proportion to how strong my faith is.  I need to really think on that statement some more, but I still want to make this other point.  I have been blessed to know many family and friends who have had cancer.  You want to talk about a mountain to climb!  And, that said, take out the word cancer and substitute it with any other life threatening disease.  The thing is, as these friends/family members go through this battle, they are facing a huge mountain and they absolutely dig their heels in and claw and scrape their way through trying to reach the top, their success (lives) depends on it.  This take courage of heroic proportions and I’ve been fortunate to have been part of their lives to witness these actions.  These folks have faced “death” and if they’ve been fortunate enough to have beaten it, they then seem to have learned the lesson that they are going to make the most of their lives, from that day forward and I’ve watched some of them shed the excess baggage of their excuses and do just that!  Which leads me to this point, why is it that we find it so difficult to learn from someone else’s experience?  I wish to be totally open to those experiences thus shedding that excess weight and moving forward. 

Dying isn’t failure if you allow whatever it is you are attempting to just be an experience!  If it winds up being a negative experience, then you learn you don’t want to attempt that particular experience again, so try something else until you find that right experience that leads you to the outcome of your desires!  Sounds simple, but we first have a mountain to experience and that mountain unfortunately is in our minds!

“Don’t look at that mountain and tell God how big that mountain is, tell that mountain how big your God is!” 

Looking up!~Barb

God's stereo system

Before the advent of MP3 and Cds, there were cassette tapes, before those, 8-trac tapes (anyone remember them?) and even before that, records.  Records came in 3 speeds (at least in my time); there were 78s, 45s and 33s, also known as LPs standing for Long Playing.  The numbers corresponded to the number of revolutions (the speed) in which the thin plastic circle moved to allow the needle of the record player to make sound.  The sound was etched into the plastic circle in a series of grooves.  When the combination of the circle with grooves, was rotating at the right speed with the needle connected, the sound was amplified through the airwaves through a speaker.  And just in case I haven’t gotten all the technology correct, this is my interpretation on how the old record players use to work.

I don’t know why, but this is the thought that came to my mind in regard to my life this morning.  Jesus is the needle, each day marks the revolution or speed at which my life responds in sound and I’m the disc (hopefully not plastic though).  Simply put, the sounds emitted are the choices we make.  Are you emitting an upbeat tempo or a melancholy dirge?

Sometimes we allow dust (dirt) to accumulate on the surface of the record.  This usually happens when we mishandle the disc using our fingers laced with our natural oils, by touching the grooves.  Records were supposed to be handled by their edges, not clamped down on with the pads of our digits.  When the oils have gotten into the grooves, the dust from the air settles and collects on the smudges which can then make the needle get stuck in a groove.  Bear with me here…..Have you ever felt stuck in a situation?  It is my belief that when we get stuck, it is because we haven’t learned the lesson we’ve needed to learn to be able to allow our needle to move beyond it to the next sound.  Sometimes the needle (Jesus) collects some of the surface dust but we then notice that the sounds playing back are full of static.   This static is our consciences nagging us to clean our records.  If our records get scratched, we miss an entire section which then mars the beauty of that which was etched into the grooves.

We are the records God chooses to put on His stereo system to listen to.  This is our prayer life.  Whether we are long playing or quick playing, He’s listening to see if the needle (Jesus) stays intact, and then to see if we are a cacophony of noise or a symphony of beauty.  Personally, I just don’t want to be a one-hit wonder!

As a piece of anecdotal history, let me add, that a few years ago, when my daughter was 12 or so, she went to put on a record, and having never done so before, she didn’t have a clue where to place the needle???!!!  She also thought she had to bear down on the needle, so when she put it on the record, she pressed it into the grooves in the middle of the record.  The sound was horrifying and to boot, she then pushed the needle toward the center of the record!  I still haven’t figured out her logic as to why she didn’t put it on the outside of the record, and I never even thought to ask her back then!  And I never even thought to instruct her on how to place the needle in the first place?!  Of course, the shoe is on the other foot now, I haven't a clue how to download an MP3 or maybe I should say, I know how to download it, but I don't know where it goes after it has been downloaded.....I have tons of stuff on this computer (based on how slow it runs) that must be clogging the computer's arteries.  I know it needs some angioplasty (I think that is called defragging???)

Looking up!~Barb

The Blooms of Patience

There is something about sitting outside in the early morning hours that I just absolutely relish.  Today, as I sip a cup of Blueberry Cobbler coffee, with French vanilla cream, I am once again reminded that “By the Grace of God, I am what I am” 1 Corinthians 15:10 and it is the verse written on my coffee cup, given to me by a good friend. 

I read 3 different devotionals every morning and today, as I sit outside on an overcast morning, the sun is trying to do its breakout dance and tears just stream down my face, no, I’m not sad, it is that my heart is overflowing.

You see, I read that God is the Author of my life and as I try to comprehend and write of the significance of this, I find my words inadequate.  It would be very easy to stop there and think of the “bad” things that have occurred in my life and to grow distrustful of God, and many times that is exactly what does happen.  But, what I am learning is that we assume our endings rather than develop the patience of waiting for God’s outcome!

In another devotional, it talked about how patience is needed in gardening and how that same patience is needed when we carry it over to our relationships with our spouses, our kids and our friends.  Yes, we may plant the seeds of our love and then water them with our prayers and sometimes our tears, but the growth of these relationships, like the blooms of our gardens is totally dependent on God and His timing.  Whether or not we see it, there is growth going on each day.  We just need to trust it.

Finally the third devotional added this clarity for me.  It stated that weariness can overtake us if the road/relationship we are on/in isn’t the pathway that God had planned for us.  I wish I could convey to you, just how poignantly I’ve been able to feel this.  Simply said, when I am doing what I feel is what God intended, I have an energy that doesn’t quit!  I have to wonder then why I allow myself to get on the roads or in the relationships that cause me to feel otherwise!  We need to learn to cultivate our gardens, pulling out that which hinders the ability for the blooms to grow in profusion and sometimes this necessity is painful.

The sun did it, it is out and beaming, almost like a reward as if my thoughts have mirrored what He has wanted me to hear.  I am also aware that the caw of the crow that has been mocking the airwaves is growing distant as it leaves me amidst the sound of my burbling waterfall of my pond.  I think I will go grab a fresh cup of Blueberry Cobbler and sit back and enjoy the beauty of my azaleas scattered underneath our dogwoods.

Yes, my heart is overflowing!

Looking up!~Barb

Positive manure

Nothing is wasted, according to God.  That was the one of the highlights I read in my morning devotional this morning “Jesus Calling.”  He uses everything, even the stuff unfit for mankind.  He can turn that stuff (our sins) into beauty using His transforming grace!

We are so one dimensional when it comes to our thoughts and God is very much high-tech and multi-dimensional.  When I think of the stuff (my sins) that are unfit for man, much less God, my immediate thought was of manure.  The best gardens are sprinkled with manure.  As a teen, my sisters and I would go on the occasional foray with my mother to hunt down horse manure.  I remember thinking, we weren’t going to take my car to load that stuff in, even though my Ford LTD had a trunk, whereas my Mom’s car was a station wagon.  Now that I think of that, it didn’t make much sense to want to ride with that stuff in our car????  Anyway, we’d bring that manure home and my parents would make a manure tea to then water the gardens with.  Ask the neighbors, my Mom had a very green thumb!

The manure served to fertilize the soil.  It “transformed” the condition of the soil and made it a source of readiness for the plants to thrive in.  I know it might be a stretch, but I believe that God is able to use His transforming grace to take our manure(sin) and fertilize our souls that then await His plantings. 

Another beautiful thought I read this morning from a different devotional “Come Away My Beloved” was that Divine help can also be transmitted though our thoughts.  I’m sure I’ve thought this before, but I never let the thought past my mind and into my heart.  Divine thoughts are the raindrops of nourishment that feed the manured soils that allow for the beautiful blossoms that color our lives.

The beautiful blossoms, are the blessings called friends.  They are God’s ministering agents that God sends into our lives.  I am blessed by these cherished friends and I am grateful to be able to recognize God’s hand in their timely emergence in my life.

No, nothing is wasted, let God work on your soil nutrients!

The Garden

This morning, I am sitting typing my blog from my rockers, which are back topping my blog’s banner because they seemed to resonate with so many.  It is a beautiful spring morning, maybe in the upper 50s and I sit enjoying the early morning wrapped in my fuzzy bathrobe sipping my piping hot cup of coffee.  As the sun slowly makes it way up over my neighbor’s house warming the sky and kissing the ripples from my pond’s waterfall, I feel the promise of the day awakening.

Hope.  Experiencing the thought, I’ve just written above allows my heart to feel joy and I am blessed to see the beauty with my eyes and doubly blessed to recognize and enjoy it.  This is art at its finest and the picture gets refreshed everyday and never are any two the same.

Listening as the birds call out their greetings and before the sounds of mankind mar the beauty of the stillness, I am able to let my heart conjure up images of magnificence.  Take these images, internalize them because as beautiful as the gardens that our eyes can see, they are nothing in comparison to the gardens of our souls. 

My day is planned to include working in my own gardens, working the soil with my bare hands, removing spent leaves from last year’s blooms and pulling the weeds that have been allowed to accumulate over the winter.  This is true for my soul’s garden as well and I welcome the work that is necessary to prepare my soil for the plantings He looks forward to arranging within me.

The sun has made its way further up and now is warming the chair in which I sit.  I think I’ll just sit back and enjoy its warmth.  The rockers sit in anticipation, the  invitation is open.  Come and sit a spell….

Looking up!~ Barb

Saying I love you

Ok, I’m gonna say it.  Are you ready?  Wow, this is harder than I thought it was going to be!  C’mon Barb, just do it….ok, here goes, the subject is “I love you!”  Whew, now I’ve done it.  I’ve said it; I’ve put it out there.  But what does it mean?!

I went to visit my parents about a month ago.  My mom is in the throes of dementia and she can get stuck in a loop of telling and re-telling the same story.  I don’t share that information in any way to be poking fun; it is a difficult situation our family finds itself in.  I don’t say it to garner sympathy either, it is what it is!  When I arrived at the front door, Mom grasped me in a hug, and repeatedly said, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I may have even blogged a bit about this before, but something grabbed my attention this morning while I was reading during my “quiet time.”  That something was that we have the tendency to strive after that which is elusive rather than being grateful for that which we already have.

The love I'm referring to has nothing to do with sex.  As my visit with my Mom continued, I got the distinct impression that Mom was trying to communicate something to me.  She was telling a story about a friend of hers, and how much she “loved” this friend.  There was a depth to the feelings she was trying to share and before you start thinking this is odd, let me ask you, have you ever allowed yourself the freedom to truly love someone?

Nancy (my BFF/sister-in-law and the only reason I keep qualifying this, is because I have a sister Nancy as well, and I don’t want the confusion of her trying to explain why I keep referring to her in the past tense), anyway, Nancy passed away, and shortly before that time she and I had a conversation that might appear to have sounded strange.  We were discussing love and she was saying that she never knew she was “loved” per se.  She was married, she was a Mom, she was a daughter, a niece and a sister, but all that “love” was because they were obligated to, because of what the roles implied.  It kind of hurt to hear that, because as her friend, I loved her in the depths of my heart!  She was one of the few people that I would have actually laid my life on the line for and I literally mean that.  Continuing on in our conversation, she said to me, “Barb, I don’t want you to forget me.”  I looked at her in amazement; she truly didn’t understand how I felt, because if she did, I don’t think she would have made that comment!

When I was with my Mom, she was demonstrating an “ache” with her words, a need to be understood about the depth of her feelings.  I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but this is a very special feeling, I know it, I’ve felt it and I am blessed to say, I am still able to feel it.  This is a deeply personal feeling and for that reason, we are hesitant to say it because to say it aloud, we run the risk of laying bare our hearts and the possibility of rejection is so great.  On the other hand, to not share it, you run the greatest possibility of going through life missing out on one of life’s greatest joys.

Today, unfortunately I feel it is said, rather casually, I hear it all the time when people hang up the phone, “love you, mean it!”  Really, you have to say mean it afterwards?!  Why would you say it if you didn’t mean it?  And unfortunately for me, the more casually it is used, the less impact it holds, at least for me. 

No, for me to share those special three words, I really do have to mean it, those words come from a place deep inside me, there is nothing flippant about them.  There are too many other words out there that can express our feelings, I’m going to reserve those extraordinary three words for those individuals who are distinctive in my life, and they should know who they are!

Looking up!~ Barb

Heart Speak

Heart speak is the tender outpouring of words and actions without the filter of the analytical mind.  Unfortunately our minds tend to serve as the judge and jury of whatever it takes in and more often than not that information should be bypassed with our hearts.

It is said that Jesus knows each of our hearts, meaning that deepest part of us where He is at the center.  When we are tender-hearted, we are sensitive to those people or things that He is mindful of.  When our minds seize control and place their judgments over people and things, we become indifferent to them or worse yet, when we think that they are “against” us, we become hardened or calloused against them.

When our hearts are in this state, hardened and calloused, we are unable to allow any penetration or outpouring of God’s love.  At this point we are lost. 

I was asked the other day to name a fear.  My fear is to be lost, or abandoned …..by God.  If I allow my heart to stay hardened, as stated above, I can’t feel Him in me and my outward appearance becomes cynical.  So what keeps me separated?  Me.  Because in my desire/need to be “right” I am unable to be forgiving.

Have you ever known or even loved someone, whose outlook on the world is just dark?  Somewhere along the line, they were hurt and rather than take that hurt to God and lay it at His feet, they have taken that hurt into their heart and used it against themselves.  Forgiveness is the key.  Forgiveness of the other person, the situation or themselves, unlocks that door and rolls out that welcome mat.  No forgiveness does not mean you forget, it just means you’ve allowed your heart to be opened to the healing that is waiting just outside its chambers.

I do not mean to sound trite, in my seemingly easy explanation.  I have experienced the heartfelt hurts and have built many a wall to try to protect myself and it was through that experience that I learned of my own calloused, hardened heart.  I had to take that hurt or rejection and lay it at God’s feet and the most difficult thing I then had to do was not pick it back up, you see, it had become familiar to me, like a crutch.  It became part of who I was!

Yes, I still can allow myself to be hurt, that is just a possibility when you open your heart to others, but now, instead of letting my mind filter the situations, I try to let God be the filter of my heart.  When my mind leads, I can get into relationships I have no business being involved in, but when my heart leads, I am secure in God’s blessings of those people and situations.

Looking up!~Barb

Master Peace

Each morning is like a new canvas given to an artist.  And whether or not you want to believe in your ability, each of us is the artist, no matter what our medium may be.  For some they are creative – painter, musician, writer; for others they may be teachers, factory workers, parents, the list goes on.  It does not matter what our skills are, we get a fresh canvas with which to work every day.  At the end of the day, our art is framed and hung for all to see.

Too many of us start our days stressed and it is as if we take the canvas of our day and splatter our color carelessly on it.  There isn’t necessarily any rhyme or reason to it and the colors can be bold and vivid, but at the end of the day, when the stress has beaten us down, the picture seems as if it has been over coated with black.  I use to feel this way.

It has been my recent experience though that by starting my day with conscious quiet time with God, that I still get my canvas each morning and I still get to create however instead of the quick, choppy splatter marks of my own doing, I instead get the hand of the Master helping me create long, flowing beautiful strokes.  At the end of my day, I am able to look back with contentment.

Our lives are His Masterpiece or said the same but differently, His MasterPeace.  When we allow Him the opportunity to be present, He helps us create beautiful works of art.  What moves you?  I have been blessed to be moved by music, like Pachelbel's Canon in D, or by photographs of nature.  Pictures of faces both the young and the old  also move me. The creamy, soft texture of a baby's face on to the deep wrinkles of the aged tells a story and for me, the wrinkles we achieve as we age, are a thing of beauty, because it tells me that that person has lived! 

Yes, starting my day consciously quiet has changed my life's view of the art I wish to create.

Looking up!~Barb

What's on your to-do list?

I use to be a “planner.”  I would (and still do on occasion) get up each morning and write out a list of the things I need to do.  Don’t you?  I guess I’m asking if there is anyone out there who doesn’t at least mentally make that list?  What about your “Bucket List?” If you saw the movie, it was about the list of things you’d like to see or do, before you pass away.  Lists and more lists, yet the desire is for simplicity.

It was pointed out to me that my “To-Do” list had become an idol directing my life.  An idol?  If you think about it, an idol is something that distracts you from hearing and practicing the nearness of God.  Before you think I’ve gone off the deep end, I’m saying that I would base the success of my day on the number of items I got to checked off that list.  Really!  I mean, if I started my list, after I had already done a task, I would still write that task down so I could cross it off!!!  So, if I didn’t finish my list, was I a failure for that day?!!  Did I cheat and take something off the list, just so I could make it look like my day was more successful? Did I take a list that said Saturday and write a slash and add Sunday, making it look like I planned it for the whole weekend?  Sadly, I have to say yes!  But what I really was doing was basing my "worth" on MY idea of MY accomplishments and that is not how God wants us keeping score. 

We all yearn for simpler times.  We think, when our lives aren’t so hectic, we’ll have time to do (blank).  Unfortunately, and I really don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble, but, the day at hand is probably going to be the simplest time, not to mention that we are only given today, so if you keeping putting off your enjoyment you may never get to realize it.  In my mind, once I got to the end of being able to make my lists, then I would have time to have fun, but unfortunately, the list winds up repeating itself – well at least if you like a clean house and clean clothes it does!

The picture on my blog this month is one I took from a cruise we went on to Bermuda, back in 2007, before the economy fell apart.  The occasion was our 25^th wedding anniversary and our entire family (31 of us) were all together.  My husband is also a planner, and he asked me, what I wanted to do for our anniversary.  I’m big into family, so I thought; let’s have a big family reunion.  I had no idea he meant on a cruise.  He scrimped and saved, and paid for all of our immediate family members!  I am still in shock!  When he announced to me that this is what he had planned, he asked me what destination I wanted to go to.  I choose Bermuda.  In 1988, my nephew was diagnosed with leukemia.  As part of the make-a-wish program, he and his family traveled to Bermuda.  Rick was 20.  While there, he made this remark, “Mom, this must be like heaven.”  Rick passed away in April of 1989.  In 2006, his mom, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, right in the middle of when we were in the planning stages of this trip.  I choose Bermuda as our destination, hoping and praying to take Nancy, back to earthly “heaven”.  God had other plans though, and brought her to the real place.  The following August, the rest of us set sail.  Nancy and Rick were never far from my mind!

I learned something from that experience.  I learned to seize each day and to find the joy in that day.  Each morning, I read and journal my thoughts and today the passage that struck me was Psalm 12:6 – “And the words of the Lord are flawless.”  When I image flawless, I think pristine in its beauty.  Simple.  It conjures up images of a baby after its bath, wrapped in a towel, warm.  Another image is of a spring day at daybreak with dew on the ground, the trees and flowers budded and the sun beckoning their attention; or of the sun dancing on the expanse of the ocean, like diamonds glistening. I think of Bermuda. I think of my rockers, and sitting enjoying the company of loved ones.  These and other images of beauty are the balm to my soul, while the person I am wants to write out those lists.  Now, I not only take the time, I purposely make the time to sit, because when the shoulds and ought tos of the world crowd out the important things in my life, I need to hear Him as He gently calls and motions for me to be still and listen, for He is in control and I need only be.

Looking up!~Barb