Mandates

I saw this quote and thought it was the funniest thing I had heard in awhile…but then after a few minutes, I re-thought my thinking and came away with the idea that it was maybe the saddest thing I had heard in awhile. The quote came from Billy Sunday and it went "Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

Please make note that I am NOT poo-pooing about going to church. Instead I’m speaking about those who unequivocally think that showing up to a building on Sunday mornings, then sleepwalking through a sermon to turn around and come home thinking they have done their weekly duty are better than those who choose to open God’s word and LIVE out the meaning of what they read. That sanctimonious (feigning piety/righteousness) viewpoint has been tried out on me and I’m having none of it. Church is a building with four walls. Instead I’m of the mindset of church being a community of believers and whether that community is of singular or plural dimensions, I believe that Jesus will meet you where you are as long as your heart is open/available and seeking His. Church is about being fed. Interestingly I googled how many times Jesus mentioned the word church in the Bible and the number was one (but still counting). And yet, it is stated that whenever two or more are gathered in His name, then Jesus is in the midst of them! Ah…..didn’t see walls as a prerequisite there, did you?

With all that said, I’m not trying to make being lazy about one’s relationship with God an easy out for those who are spiritually seeking. I’ve been on the lazy end of things for much too long in my life. Being too busy isn’t an answer to put God at the bottom of your to do list either…..and I’ve done that as well. This is a tricky blog for me to write, because I don’t want to misdirect anyone’s footsteps in their journey to understand God. There is a huge responsibility associated with this journey and that is one I am not quite up to speed in adequately portraying. The thing is though, far too many people have the idea that showing up to a building on a given day of the week is the end of that responsibility and they then judge those who don’t even make that attempt. What they are missing is that God is the judge….not them!

Why does man "mandate" that we follow a prescribed set of rules? Just this morning I was reading in Luke 6:6-9 (my paraphrase) as Jesus, on a Sabbath day sees a man with a withered hand and asks the man to stand amongst the Pharisees. He then heals the man’s withered hand and the Pharisees become irate. Jesus then asks them, is it unlawful or incorrect to do "good" on the Sabbath? The Sabbath is supposed to be that day of rest, where one doesn’t "work." And that is a whole other blog for another day. The point I was trying to get at, is that the Pharisees (the religious leaders of that day) were all about enforcing the rules of religion, so much so that they would deny saving someone’s life (or as my bible stated – denying someone something if they would derive an advantage from it.)

Recently I’ve become so much more aware of the mandates people impose on one another. We are so bound up in our schedules we need laxatives to allow ourselves the time to relax. And all puns are intended in my saying that! Good grief!

I am not speaking about irresponsibility; but I’ve reached the threshold of trying to juggle too much of life at one time. It just keeps coming at me, faster than I, in my own power can possibly deal with. This is a lesson in faith for me. You see, it is in my weakness that God can show HIS power. As long as I am in control, He will allow me to believe that I can do it all. For awhile it seemed as if I was doing quite well, but when the storms of life started showing up at my door, I quickly became aware of just how unprepared I was! And if you think admitting that was easy, let me assure you that it wasn’t, but pride no longer stands in my way, especially if in sharing these little nuggets helps someone else! No don’t read that as false piety, I truly want people to relate to life in a real way, but also to realize that even in times of aloneness, with God we are never abandoned. I don’t want someone to have suffered the sting of sanctimony and felt rejected and think that God isn’t there for them because they haven’t stepped foot into a "building." This is a misconception of great proportion. It was even uttered by one of my own family members in regard to my husband’s health. Let me reiterate this point. The act of going to church does not atone for the event occurring IF the follow through isn’t pointed in the same direction. If you need that in sports terms…..shooting a basketball at a goal won’t land the ball in the basket if at the end of the shot your hands aren’t pointed to the goal. And with that said, just because you go to church and you try to clean up your act, won’t make whatever the event go in your desired direction. Each of our lives has been planned by God. Whether or not we live by His plan, we have all been given a prescribed number of days. It is our choice in how we live those days. What choices have you made?

Free will was God’s gift to us. He didn’t "mandate" that we follow HIS way, but HIS way is the way that gives us the best of the best. Unfortunately too many of us find this out too late. We snicker and sneer at those who choose His way rather than going for the gusto of self-absorption. Personally, as I said to a friend this weekend, I’m tired of the mandate of agendas. I don’t want to think, feel, nor have to do anything at any given moment. Instead, and not irresponsibly, I want to allow myself to live in the moment trusting that I will be directed and able to enjoy the moment at hand. It is so freeing to let control go. In opening my hand to release my control, I can then accept the hand of the one who seeks to take me on the rest of the journey of my life.

Looking up!
Barb

Opening Pandora's box

I was looking through some old drafts and found this.....it may be a year old, but its core is still pertinent.

A whole lot of soul-searching has been going on and this morning I finally hit upon the core elements that I had been hiding from.  I read a devotional challenging us to look at our fears and then give them over to God.  The thing was I have always tried to hide from my fears, if fear is even the right word.  So here goes – this is what I came up with…..I question and doubt the reason, I lack the trust and I seem to not believe, but I want to, or at least I say I do!  Are these the words of a mid-life crisis?  Of a menopausal momma?  Of an unbeliever?  Maybe all three, even if I don’t want them to be representative of me!  All summer long, a friend and I have been going through the various letters of Paul to the different peoples he visited.  I don’t know why it is in Galatians that I finally hit upon his journey in a parallel way to my life, until I read the passage about the outset of his journey in Christianity.  Paul, you see, initially went off by himself for a period of three years to pray and study.  He didn’t seek the counsel of anyone, including the pillars of the Christian faith.  I have failed in this part of my journey, instead looking for someone to just give me the answer to that which I seek.

Plus/minus 6 years ago, I would say I had what I would call my mountain top experience.  I had made brief excursions to a Christian base camp before, but had really never scaled the mountain and who knows; maybe I’m just flirting with another base camp, just a bit higher up the elevation.  I’m sharing, not as an end in a search for an outpouring of empathy, but because in some fashion or another, I’ve labeled myself a communicator.

To take the first item mentioned, I question and doubt the reason.  My journey up to this point has been what I would like to think is a quest to help others, but is it?  Last night I was speaking with a friend and she went on about how I seem to have a passion for wanting to help others.  Yes, this is what I want to believe is my passion, but the more emphasis that was placed on this, the more I started hearing this nagging voice in my brain saying…..tell them the real reason and see what they think then.  The reason I would say that I question and doubt my reasoning's, is because I am able to take satisfaction of a job (hopefully) well done.  Is it really my desire to help, or is it really more of a desire to fulfill my ego for praise?  Certainly I try to deflect the accolades as being afforded opportunities presented to me by God, but…..and there is that but.  When I was placed in the position of caregiver, I felt “alive” which seems to be a “sick” thought, especially when the person I was caring for was going through what she was going through.  No I never felt like I could “fix” it, it was more the aspect of being needed and making a difference that stoked me.  At a recent seminar honoring Hospice volunteers, a 30 year volunteer who was 94 stated that we all should be pursuing our passions.  Life is short and if we aren’t pursuing what it is that makes us happy, and then we need to make a change and find out what will.  Sage advice isn’t it?  But at whose expense?

Well, I took the “leap of faith” or so I thought and went back to school last year and obtained my CNA license.  It has been downhill ever since.  I don’t know, maybe I’m too limited.  My intent was that once I had this license, I wanted to work with oncology patients or hospice, and the reason was to allow them the opportunity to not have to “wear the mask” of pretending that things are alright, if they aren’t.  I wanted to be the person who would listen and not judge, but instead make them feel valued and cared for.  Who am I to think I can do all that?  I say it is supposed to be about them, but is it really about a deep-seated need of my own?  I’ve been frustrated in my attempts to pursue this and now wonder if this part of the journey was a detour I chose to take, rather than follow God’s plan.  The same friend I was talking to last night, was mentioning how God was seemingly opening doors for her as she pursued her God directed path.  So, if doors aren’t opening for me am I not trying hard enough, or are they not the doors or the path that God wanted me on in the first place?!

Point two – I lack the trust.  When things don’t go the way I expect them to, I get thrown for a loop.  Perhaps too easily.  Have I ever really had to dig my heels in and fight for something I wanted?  While in college, I wanted to change my major to nursing, but when they told me I had to start over, I caved and didn’t pursue it.  I think the lesson I learned was not to challenge authority because it might cost me something.  Well, guess what…..what it cost me was a regret, which is a heck of a lot more expensive than what those two years would have cost back then.  But back then, while my parents were paying for my education, I thought it was selfish of me to want to change my mind, I never considered that at 18 I might just not know everything and that changing one’s mind is a normal part of growing up.  Instead, that money was wasted; yes I finished and got my degree, but in essence never pursued it as a passion.  When my own children were forced with this same scenario, my advice was to hold off as long as possible declaring their major, but if they decided that a change was what was necessary, to then just do it.  Now, well maybe not for some, but for me at age 55, taking two years (away from bringing in any income – which I’m not doing anyway, so then to be adding financial strain to our struggling financial picture) is once again viewed as a selfish thing to be doing, not to mention the fear of failure especially in trying to take tests.  Wow, this negative attitude won’t get me any place but stuck in the same rut I feel I am in! Waa, waa, waa!

Trust is the belief in the integrity of someone or something.  The ability to reason that the person/thing can be relied upon.  Well, not to belabor the point, but I’ve had my share of let downs and unfortunately find myself cynical at this point.  It is easier to be skeptical than to ask someone for help or to depend on something.  Too many people say yes, when they mean no and many times it is wrapped up in our own selfishness.

I say I want to believe, but do I?  This summer we went to a Beth Moore Bible study weekend and her studies have the recurring themes of: To know God, to believe Him, to trust Him, to find our rest in Him and enjoy His Presence.  But do I?  I’d have to say no.  Well, I am all about wanting to do that…. in the moment.  Now, if I could just have the wherewithal to let those thoughts stay with me all day.  I get it that we are to put on the armor daily, that the battle(s) we face are not in the physical world (but I still feel beat up anyway) but in the spiritual realm.  I need to literally visualize this as I get dressed for my day, and then again when I change my clothes to work out and then again when I go to bed.  Unfortunately, try as I may, the day’s activities get in my way.

In the Bible, Job has friends that in the midst of his chaos, initially do nothing but more or less sit Shiva with him.  After a few days of this quiet support, they start to admonish Job as to the reasons he is being persecuted.  Job retorts back, that he has done nothing to “irritate” God, that he is innocent of any and all wrongdoings, yet these friends persist.  Finally, the youngest of the friend speaks up and disputes the other friends, finally God intervenes and asks in essence to Job the question “Who are you, to question Me?”

I do not feel that I am anyone “special” asking God to grant me special favors.  More or less, I am writing once again from a position of communication.  A former neighbor of mine, one I considered to be a Christian, and that was solely based on her playing the organ for various churches(?!)committed suicide some 6 years ago.  I did not know her that well, but I regret that I feel she didn’t have someone she felt she could share what it was that was going on in her life.  My uncle also tried suicide, but was left blind in his attempt.  None of us goes through life unscathed.  I don’t believe any of us escape the periods in life where we feel we may be the only one in the world having the thoughts I just shared.  For some, to admit to these thoughts would be sharing too much, for in sharing you can’t hide any longer.  And we question if we are ready to move, or even if it is safe to do so.

So….now what?  Why did I regurgitate all this?  A friend last night made me see me as I didn’t want to see myself.  Each and every time she said that I was passionate about caring for others, I felt like a fraud because if that were true, my feelings wouldn’t be having such a great impact on my performance (or lack of one).  What she in essence did was to make the fear that I had been trying to cover, be one that I have to reckon with.  This morning I started, the first thing was a prayer that God expose that which is a sin, and then help me overcome it.  This required for me to admit to the lies I had been hiding behind, to expose it to His truth and now to hand it over to Him, thereby releasing it.  On my way to work I was literally in tears as I listened to the radio.  Some of the lines from the songs I heard God being powerful and a healer, then the song with the lyrics “but you love me anyway” and finally “That’s what faith can do.”

Have I reached a decision?  Only to continue exposing my untruths to His light.  I still feel I want to “help” people, maybe I need to broaden my scope to see that hands-on care isn’t where He wants me.  I’ve referenced communication a few times, and I already represent a product I believe in, maybe it is about time I allow for the union to exist between them.  This requires a leap of faith beyond what I think I am capable of….but ultimately, who do I want in control?! 

What about your journey?

Looking up~!

Barb

This is what i know and can be assured of

Upon awakening, I feed our two dogs, grab a cup of coffee and then my quiet time materials and I either head to my favorite chair, or, on a beautiful morning like today, outside. What my neighbors see, they might wonder about, as I sit cocooned in a heavy pink bathroom and my Ugg slippers; I’m as content as I can be.

My quiet time is sacred to me. It is not about have tos, it is my desire to sit quietly and allow my day to start with God. I use to immediately delve into my readings, but recently have allowed myself a few minutes to just be still. It is in this stillness that my mind can shake the last doldrums of sleep and get focused on my many blessings.

A friend and I are re-reading Luke in the Bible. She thinks I’m so wise….NOT! The particular Bible I’m reading has commentary in it by Joyce Meyer. See, I read the biblical material and then read Joyce’s commentary and then formulate my thoughts that usually make their way onto paper, whether or not it is in my blog. Today though, my desire was to not react to Joyce’s message, but instead to have fresh eyes to glean from God’s perspective. There is a huge difference. Duh! No offense to Joyce, she does a great job!

So, today, as I re-read the first chapter in Luke, I was privy to the story about John the Baptist’s parents. His Dad was a priest, named Zachariah and his Mom was named Elizabeth. Both were well advanced in age. Well an angel comes along and states to Zachariah that he’s gonna be a daddy, which is something both he and Elizabeth dreamed about but had more or less given up on because of their ages. I read down to verse 18 and Zachariah says to the angel "By what shall I know AND be sure of this?"

Whoa, hit me over the head with a baseball bat (not literally!) This guy has an angel talking to him – which would be pretty magnificent in itself and then he says what is the guarantee about what is being said?!

The story goes on, that because he asked such a question, he would no longer be able to speak, until the event came to be. And until Elizabeth bore John, Zachariah was mute, in fact his first words were to proclaim the name the angel had given him for the baby.

The whole point I’m trying to make is that we too are children of God. We have direct access to God, we do not have to go through intermediaries to have a conversation with Him, which had been what I was more or less taught growing up. That is the big difference between religion and having a relationship with God. Religion states it rules with its channels, a relationship with God says come talk to Me directly. I choose the latter. I wonder if today’s "Pharisees" are chomping at the bit calling me a blasphemer!

In making my choice I am then compelled to trust that the One whom I believe to hear me, does in fact, hear my prayers. Thing is, I have to grow enough to allow that my will, may not necessarily be HIS will for me. So, my quiet time is that time when I have to allow myself to be open and let the early morning breezes blow through me ridding me of my expectations about the day. Like Zachariah, I want my guarantees that the ones I love will be safe (myself included). That my day will go along without setbacks. That I will be happy…..whoa wait a minute. None of that is guaranteed. Nowhere does it say that we get a free pass in life.

"By what shall I know and be sure of?"

What falls under this heading in your life? Certainly we want to be able to count on people to be there for us, as we need them. Certainly we want to know that our finances will outlast our lives, so that we can live debt free. Certainly we want our health to sustain us until we somehow pass from this life to the next. I don’t mean to ruin anyone’s day, but certainlies just aren’t there. And for some, who just don’t get the whole "God" thing, they don’t even have the One who is guaranteed to be there.

And that is probably the thing that worries me the most and not for my sake. I have had numerous people say "how do you know?" My challenge to them is to read the Bible. Their response back to me might fall into various categories – it is boring, it’s too long, I don’t like to read. And I can relate to all of them. I fell into those same categories. But having read it, I now understand the magnitude of riches it represents. Don’t start at the beginning, unless you want to. Start by reading the New Testament. Get a copy with the most up-to-date language, so that you don’t get lost in the "thy’s and thee’s. Who cares if someone thinks less of you for not being able to navigate through "their" favorite version. The Bible is written in many versions, and I find that the one I best related to was the one that took the passages and then broke them down relating it to more of today’s issues.

One of the biggest detractors from having the relationship with God seems to be that people think they are going to have to be "goodie two shoes." Let me say unequivocally, I am not some holier than thou type. I am still the same person I always was and will be. Too many people think that they will be going to heaven based on how they lived their lives. That mystery is spoken about in the bible and it is a fallacy. How good is good enough? You will never be good enough or be able to "do" enough. That is why Jesus said the way was through Him…..and ONLY Him. He is the key for so many of life’s rewards and we only get to know Him by reading about Him. That is why a relationship is so important, not just religion.

This is what I know and can unequivocally be assured of!

Looking up!~
Barb

Uniquely You

"What you are is God’s gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to God!" ~ Anonymous

My pastor has a great line to make one think on a subject. I hear him on the radio occasionally, or read his blog and the line that captures me is "Marinate on that." I love to cook and to achieve the best taste, I often marinate my meats. The process of marinating is not a quick splash and dash of spices and herbs, but instead a slow infusion of those spices and herbs. It takes time to break down the fibrous tissues of some of the less tender cuts of meat.

So, to the above quote, I say "marinate on that". God created each and every one of us to be unique. Do you understand the significance when, for whatever reason, someone requests your fingerprints?  It is because no one shares the same fingerprints.  Think on that a minute....how many people are in the world and no two share the same fingerprints!!! Interestingly, as we go to more and more doctor’s offices, they now seem to have palm scanners?! But our unique creation didn’t stop at the differences in our bodies, it also applies to our collective abilities.

What was profoundly significant to me as I read "The Friendship Devotional" was that while some of us are artistic, others were born to lead and others were born with hearts of compassion. Why this is so significant is that I had always thought that compassion was something someone just was. I didn’t think of it as a God-given gift.  I thought it could be learned.  Interestingly though, I am aware that that is not necessarily the case.

I was fortunate to have been blessed with such a gift and all these years I’ve taken it for granted. Geez, thank you God is my first response and then I’m sorry God, for not realizing the magnitude of such a wondrous gift!  Compassion, as I am being taught by those who seemingly are not the beneficiary of the gift, is the ability to not blurt our the seemingly apparent in a delicate situation. It is the ability to not say I told you so, or ask multitudes of questions that if the asker was cognizant they would understand the hurtfulness of their nature. Compassion does not demand its own way…..oh wait, that is love that doesn’t demand its own way. But wait yet again, compassion is the ability to demonstrate one’s love.

Compassion isn’t critical or judgmental, it allows for thoughts to be shared without the fear of reprisal. In the heat of a moment what is to be gained by pointing out a nit picky error lacking in significance?  Is that redundant?  Well so are some of the thoughts that come out of our mouths when the situation is dire.  Do we stop ourselves from stating the obvious?

My husband and I have been astounded at some of the things said to us, since he was diagnosed with lung cancer. The diagnosis itself was enough to bear and the treatment of such is not without its rigors! Should we also have to bear those who lack compassion and tell us horror stories? Everyone seems to want to know the prognosis. I’m not trying to be hateful here, but really? What does that tell you? Or maybe more importantly why is it of significance to anyone?
For the past few years, I’ve been reading books that speak of simplifying one’s life. In each and every book, I’ve been being taught the necessity of living for the moment, one day at a time. Whatever your diagnosis, living one day at a time, even down to a very second at a time is the only time you are guaranteed! So, to me, a prognosis serves no purpose.

Ah, but then there are those who feel they need to be able to plan. Well, the best laid plans go up in smoke time and time again. I’m not being bitter here, but really?! We had our business plan, and the economy blew up. We had our retirement plan, but our business blew up. We took care of our bodies, but health still can blow up and it did big time for us. Life is full of things that happen out of our control. We can try to plan, but sometimes life doesn’t go accordingly.

So, getting back to my quote, and addressing the second part of it. What I "make" of myself has nothing to do with my career in my opinion. Instead it has everything to do with using the gifts God has given me not to exhort myself for my own purpose, but instead to use those gifts to glorify Him.

Years ago, my singular prayer was to have my heart broken for what breaks his. You know what I found? I found people who hurt others so that they can feel better about themselves. I found jealousy and envy because someone else’s life appears to be better than someone else’s. I am not better than anyone else, but through my God-given gift of compassion, I see the hurt that people feel. I try not to judge, I’m not always successful. That said, if I am so led, I then try to make a difference. Again, I am not always successful.

So, whether your gift is a melodious voice, a beautiful eye for photography, the ability to lead, or teach, possessing the artistic ability to draw, paint, sculpt; find time to appreciate your gift. But for those who say they don’t possess such skills, somewhere inside you do have a passion. Don’t minimize yourself (as I once did) and think God didn’t make you anyone special…..God didn’t make any mistakes, it is more that He wants us to look deep within ourselves and cultivate the garden He planted within. For many, the journey inward is too scary a trip to take. I suggest you find a trusted person and pack your bags. It is a trip I never want to come back from!

Looking up~
Barb

Perhaps to vent

Earlier this week, my husband and I spent the better part of 3 days in the hospital. He was the patient and I was his advocate. The only recommendation I can definitively state is that no one should enter a hospital without one. No offense to the staff, but there are just so many cracks one can fall through and the bureaucracy is tremendous.

What we encountered first hand was very disturbing. I choose not to go into it at this time, primarily for the purpose of not wanting to bite the hand that feeds me, meaning if we should ever have to go back…..I think you understand.
One of the profound lessons taught though was one of superiority. In telling of this particular incidence I am not, will not and do not lump all people with this level of status together.

One of the most unsettling incidences we faced was that we had a difficult time getting anyone to tell us what was going on. We had more contact with the person delivering the food, than we did with medical staff. We rarely, if ever, saw the same person twice and when we asked after simple requests we had to ask more than once……bath towels, wash cloths, extra blankets and sometimes (in regard to the blanket) it never made its way to us.

I don’t know if it is protocol, but medications were substituted and therefore looked different from the ones I was use to dispensing and I therefore questioned it. The pain pill I was use to seeing was yellow. The blood pressure pills a rust color. Neither of these did I see in his cup. Does it mean that he didn’t get them? No, it may mean that they substituted for them but herein lies the problem. Medicines cause reactions and everyone taking them reacts differently. The medical staff does ask for drug allergies, well how do you know if you haven’t taken some of them? Then again, what I referenced as being a "problem" drug was given not once but twice, and it was horrifying and quite scary (maybe not harmful) to watch my loved one suffer through the side effects. To be fair, they were dispensed by two different hospitals (I guess the notes didn’t follow the patient) but given too closely together.

But this is not the point of my blog today. The point is about superiority. Our final day was spent wondering if we were going to be able to leave and what time if so. Our oncologist stopped by in the wee hours of the morning and gave us the two thumbs up. We waited the rest of the day wondering why we never saw the doctor who had the "control" on the issue. We started asking about it about 11. No one could answer us. As the person delivering the food came in to ask for the dinner and breakfast orders, both my husband and I were feeling depressed. What was going on? Repeatedly I made requests to the nurse to try to find out things and I was NOT belligerent but I was firm in wanting to know!

About 3 p.m., a doctor came in and I sensed (and I’m taking liberty here) that our request was a nuisance, as if we were in the wrong to want to know. Let me add here, I wasn’t prepared with my own clothing, toothbrush and I didn’t know what kind of arrangements I needed to make for our dogs’ etc. But it isn’t about me! I was there to make sure that my husband was being taken care of. He received a partial bed bath because I was the one giving it to him. His last hospital stay (at a different hospital) he was given one every 3^rd day. Really? When you are home, do you bathe every 3^rd day? Don’t you like to be "refreshed" daily? Anyway, I digress; the doctor arrives and says that we can leave provided that my husband can give himself "shots" everyday. He replies he can’t but I can, because I’m a C.N.A. Well, if you could have seen the lip curl on that one. Meaning because I’m a lowly certified nursing assistant, I think I "know" so much to be in a position to demand the presence of a doctor. Was this stated? NO, but the look was all that was needed. I am the first one to admit that I don’t know everything, BUT what I do know is that ALL people needed to be afforded respect, regardless of their status. I realize that there are thousands of people being treated in the hospitals but when it is you and your loved one, you need to believe that someone cares for you on an individual basis. That you matter! The reason we choose the oncologist we did was precisely because he makes us feel as if we are his only patient! He listens to each and every word, every concern. We are fortunate to have him in our corner!

There are some who are demanding and that can be annoying. I think I surprised one friend in that I think she thought I was just willingly going along unassertively until she saw me in action. The thing was, my assertiveness is not in attacking the person I’m trying to seek help from. Not everyone realizes the finesse in which one has to deal with others, to preserve egos.

I’m going to end with a quote I read out of a 12-step program book. This somehow ties in with what I’ve written here, I’m hoping that you can see the connection.

"Self-righteous anger can also be very enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we are criticizing; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness."

If I was annoying to the "doctor" then I apologize. I have no idea the demands placed on a doctor. Truthfully, a life and death scenario does take precedence over a discharge, if that was what was going on. It was the lack of communication that was the biggest problem. We wound up on the floor we did, because it was where they had an available bed – in fact, that was the reason we wound up in that hospital, because where we wanted to be transferred to, that hospital didn’t have any available beds. So doesn’t it make sense to discharge those who don’t need them? Funny too, was that in the patient’s book of rights, they say they discharge by noon…..so you can see where our thoughts were.

I have experienced the "criticism" spoken about in my quote, I am not interested in my own righteousness, but I will protect and defend the interests of those in my care regardless of my status. In all fairness, I do not know the demands that were placed on this particular doctor on this particular day, so I am not trying to do a character assassination.

Anger though is many times the mask of fear. When one does not know what is going on, fear is the result. The only way I know to dispense fear is communication/knowledge. Anyone else?

Looking up!
Barb

What is it about power that is so enticing? Power requires an infusion of a "charge" and the "charge" is often times the self-seeking entity ultimately leading to our proverbial demise. I know this world takes all kinds of people and there are those who are natural leaders, unfortunately the natural leaders are in my opinion, the ones not seeking the position in the first place. They don’t "try," the leadership role comes naturally and they don’t have to change anything about their position.

I’ve never been one to "want" to be in charge, sometimes it has been foisted on me, and I do the task at hand to the best of my ability, but being in charge requires more "work" than I may care to do in a given moment. That does not mean I am not responsible, instead it means that I prefer to be the worker bee rather than the queen. I don’t need to be held in high esteem, because through Grace, I am all that I will ever be.

I was talking with my brother-in-law the other night and his company wanted to know if he was interested in making what I am calling a diagonal move (upwards). He thought about it and said no. In every respect it meant more, but most importantly the more he didn’t want to take on was the 24 hour a day, stress. As we continued our conversation, we talked about the differences of working in corporate America and working in pursuit of a passion. Both positions have different stressors however working in a field of your passion takes the sting out of the JOB.

There is prestige in positions of power, but then too I note that there is a disconnect, if that is the right word. In positions of authority, I find myself absent from the reason I wanted to perform the task I am assigned. For me, I am a people person, I need/want the connection with the end user and that is not in a position of sales!! I’ve had countless jobs where I push paper or other hands on things that have nothing to do with where I feel my strengths are. I have been considered successful in those pursuits, but have never felt "satisfied."

The only power I believe worth seeking, is the power of love given freely from God. I feel I am at a crossroad and while each direction offers me a unique journey, I’m tired of finding myself walking around the same block. While it is comforting seeing sights I’m familiar with, and that is only because I know how to navigate around them, I feel and fear (at the same time) that the journey is about to encounter some rougher waters.

I just came back from walking our dogs. It is a cool, crisp morning and as I walked this thought came to my mind. I need to embrace my journey, rough waters and all. To be perfectly clear, the current path we (I) are on, is one of more unknowns than we’ve ever before experienced. In the past month, since diagnosis, we have more or less lived in fear and while that is perfectly understandable, it negates God’s love for us. Worry is the great defeater. Every new symptom, which is more of a cause and effect situation when dealing with chemo, radiation and pain killers, wreaks havoc in our minds. Is this normal? What is normal? Rather the question I believe is, is this expected?! Because if it is, then we tend to believe that there is a way out. Cancer is a mine field or maybe I should say a mind field. So what does that have to do with power?

I believe the answer lies in releasing our need to control, our power, to a power that is greater than ours. God’s power is inconceivable and we have a difficult time thinking, much less knowing that the creator of the entire world, could possibly have "time" for our needs. When thought of in human terms, I’d have to agree. I can’t possibly do everything I need to do in a given day and yesterday was a perfect example of how great I felt I failed. Yesterday was spun in circles accomplishing nothing more than feeling lost, and alone. Yesterday, the power was in my/our hands.

I will end with yet another glimpse into life that is "Embracing Soul Care" by Stephen W. Smith. This is a paraphrased quote. "As expectant parents we pray for a healthy child. But somewhere after childbirth, parents begin to desire more than good health. In essence it becomes a competition for great achievements, meaning talking first, walking first, becoming the best (athlete, student, musician, artist, actor). The unconditional love of the nursery thus becomes pressure to perform, which then results (in our adult years) in our personal value being equated with notable achievement (aka power). The most telling part of this quote though is the next sentence. "Our souls risk implosion if we can’t accomplish enough. The bar is always too high for someone who cannot rest in God’s acceptance."

My power alone cannot deal with the diagnosis. By embracing my journey, I am in essence yielding to a greater power and accepting the course we will follow as well as my job description. Will this be easy? No. Will I attempt to re-take power, probably, I’m human. Yesterday, I realized my weaknesses. Today, even after writing this, I again met my match in weakness. It is only when I finally realize that I can no longer even attempt to pick up that baton…..for some that battle might be an addiction…..is a quest for power anything less?

My only hope is in …Looking up!
Barb

Plate spinning

When I was a young girl, our family use to go over to my grandmother’s house for dinner on Sunday nights. After dinner, while the adults sat around the table talking, us kids would go out into the livingroom and watch the Ed Sullivan show on a 13" black and white screen inside this huge box. It was there that I first saw the Beatles, but it was also there where I saw this plate spinning act.

According to Wikipedia, plate spinning is a circus manipulation art where a person spins plates, bowls and other flat objects on poles, without them falling off . While spinning any plate is a difficult feat for me, the plate spinners not only spin one, but the record holder has spun 108 with the help of an assistant.

I’ve never tried to actually spin a plate on a pole, but in life, there are many instances where I feel I have either tried this analogy or have been one of the plates. Let me explain.

Each of us is challenged in our daily walk to "do" a task. One task equals one plate on one pole. As we master the task, we feel we can add another plate with another pole. This continues on, until somewhere along the line we are spinning multiple plates on multiple poles and we think we are pretty darn good at what we do. The problem lies in that at some point, we may need to rest, take a break, go to the bathroom. The more plates we have spinning, the less time we have to do those things I just mentioned. Never mind sleeping, eating, playing. We have the tendency to think that if we just give each of our plates one good hard turn, that plate will continue to spin while we try our hand at juggling another endeavor.

Now, let’s give the plates a status. We have corelle, earthware, and fine china. Each of these types of dishes has different compositions. Corelle is more or less a plastic dish that rarely, if ever breaks…..I mean you could probably use it as a frisbee if it wouldn’t knock someone out. Earthware is a heavy duty plate, that withstands some of the bumps and bruises given to it, but if dropped it would break. Fine china – well lets just use this classification, if you look at it the wrong way it could break! Now back to spinning the plates. You now take these three types of dinnerware and put it on the poles. You give each one a good ride, but the key to the art is not letting any of the plates fall. But the key to the plates is not letting any of them break. So which takes precedence?

Each of us must look at our lives and assign value to the "plates" we are spinning. My fine china represents the people in my life and I am very careful not to take on too many because the patterns I’ve picked are vintage and irreplaceable. I would hope that this would be the case for others, but sadly it is not. Some people assign their everyday wear as their people and their possessions or jobs as their other plates. There is harm in that, because in my opinion people take precedence over everything other than God.

I have been the "corelle" and earthware pieces and have watched the people spinning me and have been aware of their needing time to address their fine chinas. It hurts to find yourself teetering or much less falling as they try to hurry to catch up. As one plate crashes they try harder, but continue to add more plates to their poles, rather than seeing that it isn’t the number of plates they have spinning that is important, but instead the quality of the spin they assign to each plate. But it is also hurtful to have once been considered fine china and then been relegated to the everyday knockoff. Regardless of its stature, once the plate has been knocked down, it is relegated to its demise.

We take on more and more plates in life to assign substance to our existence. Really? Yes, really! We have been fooled into believing bigger is better and more is the be all end all! I sit and watch as the people around me get fooled into believing that they will be able to beat the record of the plate spinner and while I wish to ask them to reconsider, it is not up to me to do so.

What consumes you and your time? Are you looking for meaning in the eyes of others, is that why we add plates to our poles? Or are you content with the fine china God has blessed you with and willing to make sure that you carefully spin each plate with love and care? It is after all, each of our own decisions.

Looking up!
Barb

Right or Wrong?

"Because of our relentless pursuit to get it all right, we’ve gotten it all wrong." Stephen W. Smith The Jesus Life (8 ways to recover authentic Christianity).

 I read those words and wanted to cry. It is 9:30 on Sunday morning and I feel very much alone. My husband of 30 years is still in bed, traumatized by the effects his pain management meds are having on him. He just finished his radiation treatments and will begin his chemo on Thursday for lung cancer.

For 30 years, my husband and I have lived a very personally satisfying life. We are proud parents of two beautiful well adjusted kids, one married, one about to be, we were comfortable financially (emphasis were), we live in a nice home, and we own our own business, which the economy has taken on a wild ride into hell and only just now are we starting to see a glimmer of light. These are the things I believe Steve refers to in his sentence. We were relentless in our pursuit of our business deals and lawn maintenance. Does it mean it was all for naught? No, but as we now are sitting waiting for the next part of our journey, nothing we’ve accomplished to date, seems to really matter as it once did.

The dreams of money and retirement and seeing the world quickly diminish in a diagnosis. That is not to say one doesn’t dream or have hope, but for me, it does bring the thoughts of tomorrow back to appreciating the reality of today. Unfortunately too many of us live lives that are relentless. What does relentless look like? Busy schedules, overloaded agendas, with too many have tos and shoulds decorating our to do lists. Overstimulated kids racing from one activity to another driven by frantic parents racing in from work and to the nearest fast food place to give our kids happy meals for dinner. Gone are leisurely walks, children playing outside, neighbors chatting on front porches, picnics, and family time without a second hand recording the time spent, just to name a few.

Interestingly Steve also hits an area in the bible where Jesus tells us we have also gotten it all wrong. In Matthew 11 versus 28-30, Jesus states the following: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythm of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly."

We are "trying" to do it right, by amassing more and more knowledge. Well knowledge was something the Pharisees of Jesus’ day had a lot of. They just never applied any of it to themselves. They sure set the rules, for which everyone else had to live by, but the rules never applied to them, they were above it all.

And that my friends is where I think many of us have found ourselves. Myself included until about six years ago, when diagnoses first started knocking on my love ones doors. The lesson I learned and am trying to pass on rather unsuccessfully is that today is the only day that matters and the reason it matters has nothing to do with how much we fill it up or even what we fill it up with.

I will put it as simply and honestly as I can. When it all boils down to nothing, who and what will be propping you up? Is your job going to hold your hand while you lie in bed? Do you have any true friends who might be there for you in your time of need? Have you established a relationship with God, the creator?

Personally, my job looks nothing like what I would like my job to look like. Interestingly that position is the one I find myself in with my husband right now, and it is not one in which I can draw a salary. Instead though, I have found that in performing the duties of the position they parallel what Jesus would have me do.

In regard to friends. Who are they? Are they true or fair-weather ones, disappearing when the need gets to be too much, or too long? Are they relationships or part of a facebook count and by that I am only asking about validity? The problem is because of our busyness, we often find ourselves having to "do" what is on our agenda, before coming to the aid of someone else. Is that wrong? I would say it depends on whether or not you are the person in need? Once you’ve been the person in need you might answer the question differently.

In talking with a friend last week, she brought out an interesting point. It was about how we tout ourselves about being Christians and yet seemingly lack compassion, which is the embodiment of Jesus. In simple terms you can’t be a Christian and not be compassionate. It is impossible, it is an oxymoron. Yet how many of us spew the doctrine that rarely is exhibited in us? Amassing more knowledge does nothing if it is never applied.

So getting back to the opening sentence. I believe our pursuits are what have been misalignned and the reason is the focus. As long as our focus remains on ourselves, we will continue to get it wrong. When we allow our focus to shift upward we will then be given the capacity to understand what is necessary inward that can then be expressed outward. I believe as Derwin Gray of Transformation Church states – Look upward and love God completely, so that we can then love ourselves correctly and then serve others compassionately. In doing so, we will find ourselves on the pathway to getting it right.

Looking up!
Barb