Thirty days ago, I held my husband for the last time as he struggled to take his last earthly breath. For six months he bravely fought a battle against lung cancer, taking each day one day at a time, living each day to its fullest while toxic with both chemo and radiation therapies. Somewhere in that time, my kids and I had to come to the realization that to hold onto him was more a punishment for him, than a blessing for us. No one, including Bruce, wanted to let go. We were married 30 years, the next day being the culmination of those 30 years and what would have been the start of 31. Bruce never started something he couldn’t finish and it was with great tears that the kids and I told him that it was ok for him to go on ahead of us. We are a family of believers, we may not always show our best foot forward because we are human and flawed, but we believe that in our weakness God is shown strong. Saying that and believing that has also caused me some consternation.
In 1989 my 20-year old nephew died from leukemia. His mom, one of my best friends and my sister-in-law (Bruce’s sister) died in 2006 from pancreatic cancer. In both instances I learned a valuable lesson that I had to, in turn apply to my dealings with Bruce. The lesson was that I am not in control. That no amount of money will stop death from stealing loved ones from us. Yet that is not the attitude of a person who is supposed to be a person of faith is it? No, a person of faith should rejoice when God welcomes a person home and I do believe that. My struggle is that it is the collision of two worlds, ours and His! It doesn’t mean we don’t have questions, because God is big enough and loves us enough to allow us to question and even be angry with Him. Ultimately though, if we trust Him enough, we will receive His peace.
So, what’s my problem? As I discussed this morning with a very special friend, I am able to trust God with everyone else, but it seems when it comes to trusting Him with me, I seem unable to relinquish my need to control things my way. I just don’t seem to be able to understand what keeps me distant from the God I say I love and need. I truly placed Bruce in God’s hands at the very beginning of his illness. I prayed that God’s will for our lives be done and as I watched Bruce’s sap draining from his being, I prayed that God not allow him to continue to suffer, it was very painful to watch. When you love someone, their pain takes precedence over your own and you become willing to suffer so that they don’t have to. This is the lesson that I learned in 1989 when Nancy and Fred let go of Rick, and then learned again when we all had to release Nancy from her chains. My children, as much as I love them, are gifts bestowed on me from God, sure I will fight to the finish for them, but ultimately they are His, as was Bruce. So, who am I to think I’m not worthy of placing my own life into the sure hands of God?
"The Bible tells the story of the man who came to Jesus in Mark chapter nine, who`s boy had been robbed of speech, by an evil spirit. The evil spirit would throw him to the ground, and cause him to foam at the mouth and then become rigid.
The man took his boy to the disciples, but in the man`s words " They could not drive out the spirit ". Jesus replied " O unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you, how long shall I put up with you, bring the boy to me." The end of that passage states how the man says he does believe but needs help with his unbelief.
"It`s really so strange, is it not, that we can have great faith for other people, but when it lands on our own doors step, our hearts cry out " Lord I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief " Or are we too afraid to ever admit that to anyone that we have ever felt like that? We can have great faith to pray for the healing of other people, but do we in turn pray for healing for ourselves, or pray for that new job, or anything else, with the same level of faith that we have for others?"
These last two paragraphs are quotes from a source I looked up to make sure I got the father’s verbiage correct and it sums up my thought in a nutshell. I do have great faith for others, but somehow I feel like I’m exempt from the faith….because I don’t feel worthy. Too often our words are spoken without the backup singers repeating them in our ears. Think about it, our mouths are positioned in front of our ears, so we speak but we neglect to listen to ourselves! Pretty profound I’m thinking! My intellect is there, I just need to make the connection with my own heart and the connection is done by linking my ears!
I praise the God who gives and takes away. I will praise Him in the storms of my life knowing that my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth…(Casting Crowns – Praise you in the Storm).
Looking up!
Barb
In 1989 my 20-year old nephew died from leukemia. His mom, one of my best friends and my sister-in-law (Bruce’s sister) died in 2006 from pancreatic cancer. In both instances I learned a valuable lesson that I had to, in turn apply to my dealings with Bruce. The lesson was that I am not in control. That no amount of money will stop death from stealing loved ones from us. Yet that is not the attitude of a person who is supposed to be a person of faith is it? No, a person of faith should rejoice when God welcomes a person home and I do believe that. My struggle is that it is the collision of two worlds, ours and His! It doesn’t mean we don’t have questions, because God is big enough and loves us enough to allow us to question and even be angry with Him. Ultimately though, if we trust Him enough, we will receive His peace.
So, what’s my problem? As I discussed this morning with a very special friend, I am able to trust God with everyone else, but it seems when it comes to trusting Him with me, I seem unable to relinquish my need to control things my way. I just don’t seem to be able to understand what keeps me distant from the God I say I love and need. I truly placed Bruce in God’s hands at the very beginning of his illness. I prayed that God’s will for our lives be done and as I watched Bruce’s sap draining from his being, I prayed that God not allow him to continue to suffer, it was very painful to watch. When you love someone, their pain takes precedence over your own and you become willing to suffer so that they don’t have to. This is the lesson that I learned in 1989 when Nancy and Fred let go of Rick, and then learned again when we all had to release Nancy from her chains. My children, as much as I love them, are gifts bestowed on me from God, sure I will fight to the finish for them, but ultimately they are His, as was Bruce. So, who am I to think I’m not worthy of placing my own life into the sure hands of God?
"The Bible tells the story of the man who came to Jesus in Mark chapter nine, who`s boy had been robbed of speech, by an evil spirit. The evil spirit would throw him to the ground, and cause him to foam at the mouth and then become rigid.
The man took his boy to the disciples, but in the man`s words " They could not drive out the spirit ". Jesus replied " O unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you, how long shall I put up with you, bring the boy to me." The end of that passage states how the man says he does believe but needs help with his unbelief.
"It`s really so strange, is it not, that we can have great faith for other people, but when it lands on our own doors step, our hearts cry out " Lord I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief " Or are we too afraid to ever admit that to anyone that we have ever felt like that? We can have great faith to pray for the healing of other people, but do we in turn pray for healing for ourselves, or pray for that new job, or anything else, with the same level of faith that we have for others?"
These last two paragraphs are quotes from a source I looked up to make sure I got the father’s verbiage correct and it sums up my thought in a nutshell. I do have great faith for others, but somehow I feel like I’m exempt from the faith….because I don’t feel worthy. Too often our words are spoken without the backup singers repeating them in our ears. Think about it, our mouths are positioned in front of our ears, so we speak but we neglect to listen to ourselves! Pretty profound I’m thinking! My intellect is there, I just need to make the connection with my own heart and the connection is done by linking my ears!
I praise the God who gives and takes away. I will praise Him in the storms of my life knowing that my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth…(Casting Crowns – Praise you in the Storm).
Looking up!
Barb
