Loneliness

Loneliness seems to be a recurring symptom of a greater problem.  I have a friend, who has admittedly said that she suffers from loneliness, but when you ask her in making plans in advance, you get one of two answers, no, I can’t make plans that far in the future because ….. or yes, and then the day before or the day of the event, it changes into the no because…..  I have tried to have this conversation, and I am not “judging.”  I’m just confused.  This loneliness seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, because whether or not I want to admit it, when this happens as much as it does, I start to back away thinking the desire for the friendship isn’t there, there is a vagueness to the relationship but then I have to check my attitude and see if it is my problem because I’m feeling hurt because of the rejection.  That said I’m not that “sensitive” that when it happens a time or two, I immediately travel this path.  What I’m talking about is an ongoing situation.

Years ago, I believe I suffered from a bout of mild depression.  I was in college and because of my job there, I had to stay the weekend when all but a very few people were there.   The loneliness was so overwhelming, I had to go find someone to just sit near to know that I wasn’t the only one there……let me tell you when you live in a dorm with 154 double occupancy rooms and there are 3 people in the dorm and you are one of them, it is lonely. There are still times when the world can look bleak to me, and by the grace of God, I know to call on His Grace to get me through it.

Loneliness is different from being alone though.  I have no trouble being alone and by that I mean, I like my times of solitude, I’m not afraid to go out to eat in a restaurant alone, go to the movies alone, travel alone, have my house to myself.  I totally enjoy my early mornings of tranquility.  I run alone, swim alone, bike alone.  I love to read.  It is when I can collect my thoughts.  Loneliness though can happen even in a room full of people.  Loneliness to me, is feeling like everyone is connected but you have this clear wall up that you see through but can’t figure out how to scale and you don’t know why it is there.  The thing is you’ve put it there by the same excuses I’ve mentioned in my opening paragraph, and while you know you are making the excuses you can’t seem to stop yourself from making them either.  This cycle becomes a habit until you no longer even sense that it is out of the ordinary.

I do not have a degree in psychology, I am self-taught in what I sense in people and maybe you don’t ascribe to what I am saying.  So be it.  But my guess is that there are people out there, like me, that don’t understand this loneliness thing whether it is their problem or if it is someone they love.  We were not born to be isolated, and even though there are “things” that fill up our time, God intended us to live in community and I don’t mean just in a neighborhood type of community.  Community to me is sharing, but sharing can only be done from a position of trust and not to be negative, but trust is a difficult trait to come by because the world seems to have become so self-serving.  I have seen this then develop into a fear and what the fear says to the person going through this is that they don’t try for fear of rejection, but their anxiety is premature and they take care of the situation by anticipating the rejection, so don’t bother trying at all.  There was a line in the movie “Pay It Forward” where they said it…. “I can’t reject you because you are too quick, you’ve already rejected yourself.”  This I believe has become the problem; we live in fear of not meeting someone else’s expectation of whatever level is supposed to be associated with us, because of our age, our color, our neighborhood, and our jobs.  We live in fear of not living up to someone else’s opinion.  But and I don’t say this casually, we don’t recognize ourselves in this problem, thinking it is only someone else’s.  Some people are just afraid to feel because then they have to deal with those feelings and it is easier to stay busy.  In saying that, we all have to cope in our own manners and I’m not trying to downplay the mechanisms we put into place to help us survive.  I don’t want to take away the only support system some people have in place, but I also want to make them aware that there might be additional support willing to be out there for them.  It is a fine line. 

Bette Midler sang a song…. “Hello in there” and the song’s lyrics depict an older person sitting on a park bench watching people walk by.  No one notices them and if they do, they aren’t even acknowledging their presence.  That is true loneliness in my view.  What have we become as a society when we no longer are cognizant of people around us, that in passing we can’t even nod or say hello.  I do understand how frightening the world is in making eye contact with someone who might be sinister in nature.  Is this really what we have come down too, is it that difficult to just say hello?  I’m not saying you have to strike up a full fledge conversation, but not even a hello?

Our neighborhood has about 550 homes in it.  It is very sad to say that I don’t know my neighbors but those on either side of me, and across the street.  It isn’t from my lack of trying.  I have hosted parties, inviting the neighbors and sometimes they come and thoroughly enjoy themselves, but they return home and live in their shuttered houses with the shutter slats closed not allowing any light in, nor welcoming anyone else in.  It is most probably a symptom of being overworked, being too tired and just surviving the day, day in and day out is all that they can muster.  The friend I mentioned in my opening paragraph lives in darkness with her shutters drawn this way.  The only thing I can say, is when you feel that darkness invading your spirit, you crave the darkness so no one can see your mess (both outwardly, but more importantly inwardly).  It is an effort to try to scale that wall and sometimes you just don’t have the energy to do so.  I’ve witness this and the destruction is devastating.  I will make it abundantly clear, I do not know the answer, but the second part of that is that I’m willing to help if I can be of service, not as an enabler, but as a friend.

Why even write this one might be wondering……because at some point we either need to reach out to another or maybe recognize when someone is reaching out to us.  We need to learn to read between the lines in what is sometimes being said and at the very least be willing to be there for someone else.  Our self-absorption is far too great and we are not living the lives Jesus intended when he said to “love your neighbor as yourself”…..what the heck are we doing?!  Or maybe I’m just frustrated and angry at the outcome of the situation of my friend….I know this is not what was wanted and maybe I live in a bit of fear of “There but by the Grace of God go I”

Henry Ford is quoted as saying “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t; you’ll be right.”

Looking up! ~ Barb

Bricks of life

A parent and a child embarked on a journey walking hand in hand.  At first the child was content to walk alongside the parent, surveying the landscape and jabbering like the small birds they passed.  They had gone some distance, the actual value unknown when they started encountering others, also on a journey.  Curiously the child watched as more and more people joined them on the road.  Finally the child asked, “Where do you think they are all going?”  The parent replied, “Nowhere and anywhere.”  The child thought for a moment, “What does that mean?”  The parent replied, “The people you see all seem to be in a hurry to get somewhere, but once they arrive they don’t know what it was they came for, so they leave and hurry onto the next place.  They never seem satisfied.”  The child seemed content with that answer and they continued to walk and talk about the things that were important in life.  Things like God, love, honor, respect and sacrifice.

As the walk continued, the child and the parent both began to age.  The child no longer was holding the parent’s hand, instead bending to pick up an occasional rock and skip it ahead of them.  The youngster had become a slightly sullen teen who remarked once again about the people walking the street with them, “where do you think they are going?”  The parent once again answered, “Nowhere and anywhere” and the teen looked at the parent and said, “That’s a dumb answer.”  The parent just smiled and they kept walking, conversations all but nil.

Off in the distance they started seeing the streets turn to a golden color, they gleamed in the brilliant sun.  Curiosity got the better of the teen and the teen asked, “Why are the streets turning yellow?”  Before being able to answer, people began flying by them pushing wheelbarrows.  They were empty heading towards the yellowed streets and they were full on the return trip.  The parent and child didn’t know what to make of this, so the sullen teen stuck out his foot and tripped one of the returnees.  When the person who had been tripped stood up, the teen asked, “What’s in your wheelbarrow?”  The person replied “Bricks of gold, hurry go get a wheelbarrow; they seem endless in supply, hurry before too many people catch on and they run out.”

The teen looked at the parent, who smiled noncommittally and said “Don’t listen to him, let’s just continue our walk, we have everything we need, it is God who provides.” The teen looked at the wheelbarrows seeing the possibility of great fortune and then turned and shrugged at the parent and ran off, collecting a wheelbarrow as he went.  The parent continued walking, now alone.  The teen passed the parent making several trips back and forth carrying wheelbarrows full of the golden bricks, each trip producing a greater smile than the trip before.  Years went by and the gold bricks piled up back at the young adult’s house showing the earthly prowess.

One last trip and then once again the two were walking, again showing the signs of age.  The adult child held the aged parent’s arm as they slowly continued their walk, seeing less and less of the brilliant gold bricks and noticing less people crossing their paths.  The road seemed to end abruptly but only in front of the adult child; the brilliantly colored gold bricks beckoned only the aged parent’s pathway.  “What do you think this means”, said the adult child.  The aged parent turned to the adult child and said; along our walk I tried to teach you that money was not the only thing to value.  Go home to your yellow bricks and see if you can possibly re-lay them in time, because what I was trying to tell you was that the bricks were your life’s trail to spending eternity with God.  Instead you sought only to gather and keep all of your bricks at your home, and now, as you can see, your road is too short to bridge to eternity.  Looking ahead, the adult child and aged parent saw heaven’s gates parted where the streets were once again lined with gold and God’s hand reached out to the aged parent.  The adult child gasped realizing the enormity of the mistake that was made, a tearful farewell was bid to the aged parent; the adult child then tried to run home but because of the aging process, the rate of speed had decreased.  Every step taken backwards seemed to be a step taken in place, would the adult child re-lay the path before the end of the road beckoned?

Moral of the story – Money allows for many things in life but it won’t stop you from dying and it can shorten your ability to reach God’s eternal bounty if you put more stock in it rather than your relationship with God.

Looking up!~ Barb

Broken Mosaic

I never realized how one’s life revolves around a theme.  I find it remarkable that in reading three different devotionals on a daily basis how they distinctly speak to the issues currently running in my life.

Brokenness has been the theme recently and one might wonder what and why this is allowed for us.  When things break in our household, depending on the severity of the break or the usefulness of the item, we either “fix” it or throw it away.  We humans tend to be perfectionists and instead of seeing the character in something that is flawed, we cast it aside, and look for something else.

But what if the flawed thing isn’t a thing, but a person?  What if it is you?  I’ll admit right here and now, I’m hopelessly flawed and the flaws are not ones I’m proud of.  I cry out daily to God to use me to reach others despite my flaws, not because I’m good rather in spite of my not being that way.

I am deeply saddened to have watched a friend self-destruct to the point of losing everything we value in life.  Even though we didn’t stand idly by, she wasn’t able to hear the warnings or see the love we made available to her.  My prayer for her now is that having reached the epitome of this brokenness that she finally let God take control in her life, refashioning the tattered pieces of her life that once pieced back together will reflect His image.  That would be an example of a miracle in a life that would show the world, yes, He exists.  There are many such miracles out there, I just want this one for her!

This is the same miracle I claim to have happened in me.  My circumstances may have been different, but I will tell you without a shadow of a doubt, I was broken and when I get caught up in the trappings of this world, I get re-broken.  The way that I try to steer clear of this painful process…..”each morning as I sit with God and allow myself to “put Him on” and then “wear Him”, He clothes me for whatever comes my way that day.”  – Jesus Calling

We are often referred to as being like clay pots, so if we are those clay pots that Jesus resides in and we aren’t broken, His light will not shine through us.  However, if we allow ourselves the brokenness then He can repair us by His design allowing for a beautiful mosaic that allows for His light to be illuminated through the cracks in our pots.  Our characters, our flaws are precisely what He needs to show a broken world “His light.”  Our characters/flaws are the way we are able to connect with others, who see us as imperfect, like them and they can thereby relate to us.  No one can really relate to a perfect person, because NO ONE but God is perfect!

“Perfect” want-to-bes (people or things) wind up being positioned on a shelf in life to be admired only.  Touching perfection would mar its beauty.  Do you really want that for yourself?  To be cast up on a shelf, untouchable?  I would think it would be rather lonely.  Love, like a well-worn book, is meant to be touched, handled with care and read repeatedly and even if the pages are worn the message is still able to be understood.

Looking up!~ Barb

Life experience - the day of the squirrel

Every so often I have to reach into the archives of experience and pull one out.  Today is one of those days.  I started blogging because I wanted to journal varying life experiences and although I could keep them to myself, sharing them offers insight into who I am as a person.  Some could say so what……so why then are you reading this?  LOL!  Really though, my Mom is going through dementia and I know that what is going on now, is affecting the memories we would prefer to have kept rather than the ones we are now seeing.  That said, should I walk that road as well, my family will have these snapshots of thoughts to remember me by.

Last summer, I took a certified nursing assistant course at our local community college.  At the age of 54, this was a monumental endeavor, not because it was difficult but more because I had gotten stuck in a rut and the economy was saying you may have to “do” something else and I had said to my husband, whom I work with, if I have to do something else, I want to do what I want to do.  BTW…..I’m still not doing it!  L

Anyway, I came home from class one day and I was absolutely whipped.  Between stress, long days, early mornings and homework, this older body needed a nap.  Bruce and I have 2 golden retrievers and they are both loving dogs, when they greet you, they each bring a “prize” to you.  Anyway, as mentioned I was tired.  I came home from school, dropped my books on the kitchen table and immediately headed for our bedroom to lay down.  I noticed that our decorative pillows were askew, but didn’t think anything of it because I know our dogs play the game we call wild.  Wild is where one dog chases the other dog around the house and they sometimes jump up on the bed, sliding and then jump off continuing their run.  BTW…..the bed is the only furniture they are allowed up on! 

I’ve kicked off my shoes and have my right leg poised mid-air at the same time I am moving the decorative pillow out of the way, when my glance thankfully happens to look at the bed just as I’m about to land in it and lo and behold there, what would have been inches from my face, was the carcass of a dead squirrel. 

The scream that I elicited was at decibels beyond what I ever knew I could produce!  One might have thought I was about to be attacked.  Somehow I am able to contort my body so that I don’t land on this thing, all the while uttering ew, ew, ew and gross.  I am beyond freaked out because this looked like an indian had scalped it and my immediate thought was, where the heck was the rest of it?!!!

My heart rate was beyond my normal 80% workout heart rate and I was in a cold sweat.  I didn’t have a clue what to do, thus running out shutting my bedroom doors (as if this thing was going to be reincarnated in a moment) and jumped up and down in the kitchen.  I shakily reach for the phone to call Bruce, he doesn’t answer.  I grab a beer from the refrigerator?  Don’t know why exactly and then call Brooke, who laughs at me!  I re-try Bruce who answers this time and states that maybe my neighbor is home and can come get it.  While on the phone, I am surveying the rest of the house, looking for the rest of the body and wondering which of the girls thought that this would make a good gift for me!!!

I go out to the garage, grab a long handled shovel and proceed to go back into the bedroom to pick this thing up, deciding first to get my camera with the telephoto lens to take a picture as proof that this not a figment of my imagination!!!  Yuck!  I put the blade of the shovel underneath the carcass and immediately put it out on the deck, I’m not even brave enough to put it in a bag and throw it out!

I toy with the idea of throwing out the bedspread, but it was only a week or two old and I really didn’t have the money to do that.  I stripped the bed down, including the mattress cover and start doing the wash, all the while trying to envision what sleep number the dog was enjoying this treat on!  Can you just picture how gross this was?

I share this episode on facebook as well as with the wife of the neighbor I was supposed to call to see if he could come get it.  Basically I am laughed at, that I can withstand….I am just looking forward to the day when they have their own adventure with wild life to share, maybe then they won’t think it so darn funny!  J

What type of friend are you?

What type of friend are you?  I was reading….ok, it is a well known fact by now that I read every morning…..I need a new opening line!  Anyway, as I was reading I came across the question of “what type of friend are you?”  I want my answer to be “A friend’s friend.”  What the heck does that mean?, you might be thinking.  Have you ever heard of a “Doctor’s doctor”?  That’s the doctor a doctor wants to go to…..my husband makes it a point to inquire about that for any professional service he might need.  In Charlotte, our Charlotte magazine comes out once a year with the Who’s who in the different areas (Doctors, Dentists) and then there are the BOB awards….BOB is best of the best!  So to get back to my point, my desire is to be a friend’s friend.

We have all been hurt, whether it was intentional or not and the burden of that hurt can leave lasting scars that are difficult to endure alone.  Sometimes the hurt is a byproduct of malice (oh to be a teenage girl and endure THAT!) and other times it might be through blatant disregard and then sometimes the hurt might be because of a loving confrontation.  Real friends are the ones that stick by you in times of trouble.  They are the ones that bring acceptance, understanding and healing and yes, sometimes that occurs in the midst of correction.  So, what type of friend are you?

God wants to be in a relationship with each of us.  He desires the last depiction I offered of friendship.  All of my life, with the exception of the last 6 years or so, I viewed God as a distant, unapproachable, demanding power.  Somewhere in the middle of a drama/trauma I felt Him draw me close and whisper to me that “things” would be ok, I just needed to trust Him.  At my weakest, I said yes and while the trauma didn’t have the outcome I desired, I learned that my expectations limited me and by releasing them to Him, I surpassed them all!  That experience changed my view of friendship.

Instead of have tos and shoulds, I experience want tos and can’t waits and I long to share those types of moments with those I love.  Sometimes I get impatient in wanting to share, and that is because I realize the magnitude of the gift, but I have to learn that not everyone is always ready to receive it.  There’s a depth assigned to this type of connection and it is one that is constantly developing.  I equate it to being like a fine wine that has been allowed to age and the Vineyard Owner invites you over to sample it.  I know very little about wine tasting, but am looking forward to learning more and wishing to learn to appreciate and savor each wine’s uniqueness.

My circle of friends might be small, but I consider each person to be of a rare vintage and I appreciate the value of each and take pleasure in the time shared.  In the core of each of those relationships is the One Who planted the seeds, tended the fields through various storms of adversity and finally harvested each of them into the unique and extraordinary gifts they are to me.  I am doubly blessed to also be able to include my family in my circle of friends!

These three thoughts are constantly running through my mind –

 Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times

Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips (meaning true friends don’t bend the truth)

And finally, “A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere, before I may speak aloud” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Looking up!~ Barb

A dog, coffee and forgiveness

It seems that I am to learn a powerful lesson in forgiveness this morning.  Every morning I sit (this morning outside) enjoying my quiet time with God.  Our one golden retriever, Buttercup, sees any opportunity of someone sitting as her invitation to play ball with her.  She gently places the ball back by your left hip and runs out into the yard to “hide” and wait for you to throw it back to her, she then runs it back up to you and comes the stealth route, I guess so you are “surprised” to find the ball back by your hip.  The stealth route is coming between the table and chairs which are inches away from the house.  Normally she is able to do this without incident, this morning her tail feathers must have gotten caught in the chair hinges and she yanked herself free causing the table, the chair, the lanterns, my books and my hot coffee to go flying and subsequently crashing to the ground.

 

I was clearly annoyed and wet.  She had “shattered” my peaceful moments.  I am just now finished cleaning up the mess (there was minimal scolding because I didn’t want to wake the neighbors!) and I reached down to her to tell her I still love her even when she drenches me with hot coffee.  Her liquid brown eyes looked up at me and I melted, as if I was the one who caused all this mess – and then it hits me – in God’s eyes, I am the one and He reaches down to me to tell me that despite my DAILY screw-ups, He still loves me!

I know people who seem to be so fearful of screwing up that they remain distant to the people around them, seeking the safety of relationships they can only live vicariously through.  There won’t ever be any real interactions, good or bad, because there isn’t any real connection!  This is a source of intrigue for me, I will admit!  I feel relationships are powerful and I believe God wants us to live in community, so it is His desire for us to intermingle.  Cooperation plays a big part!

Yes, I was more than a bit annoyed with Buttercup, but it was momentary.  Besides that, she’s a dog!  With people our emotions can run the gamut from annoyance, through anger, through trepidation but tucked down deeper are our own fears of our own ineptitudes.  We don’t want others to see our weaknesses, so we hide them by not getting involved in real relationships that might cause us to actually have to deal with things.  We might say we don’t need the stresses of what relationships might bring to us, but I wonder how much of it is that we don’t want anyone to see our limitations and fear their shining a light on our dark places.  Think what you want now, hide as you will, but the day is coming when our shame will be evident to all, mine included.  When the Lord comes and His light shines, our darkness’s will be revealed for all to see!

We have only developed half-way in my opinion.  We can forgive, and that is monumental, but we have more difficulty forgetting either because we can’t or we won’t and I believe this is tied into how much we are hurt by whatever the infraction was.  This inability to forget, changes the relationship because it makes at least one of those involved, self-conscious.  The other party may or may not even be aware.  We assign significance to our relationships and when that importance is betrayed it is harder to have the trust that is so important in them.  Here’s the thing, again in my opinion, people, me included, want to do what is right, but in our selfishness we look to doing it according to our own standards.  I am again learning that people can be careless of your feelings at times but it is usually not because they are intentional about it, they have just been pre-occupied with other issues. 

If I am able to move past by both forgiving and forgetting the occurrence with Buttercup this morning, what does it say about me, if I expect a certain behavior from a person who doesn’t produce said behavior and I neither forgive them or forget about it? I believe it is called a grudge!  That said, sometimes certain relationships are just toxic and not supposed to work out.  You can still forgive them and forget about whatever the injustice was, it doesn’t mean you have to stay in that relationship though.  The key in determining whether or not to stay is whether or not you are holding a grudge – hoping / thinking the person will change if you pout enough.  If that is the case, I will be as direct as I possibly can, unless the person wishes to change on their own, the change, IF it were to happen, would only be temporary.  If they are wanting the change and are willing to work on it, then it will happen, but they have to be the force behind the desire!

God said to forgive, because we have been forgiven; I don’t recall anywhere in the Bible where it said, forgive and keep taking the same beating time and time again!  Let Him be the judge, it has been my experience that when I turn my relationships over to Him, He weeds out those that are the toxic ones for me and usually, those are the ones over time where I can look back and see that even though I may have sought the relationship, I was the only one actually involved in them!  In those cases, I can forgive – myself as well as them, and then move on and slowly forget. 

Final thought, people will always let you down – we can’t help it!  But God, will never let you down – you may not always like the way things go, but God can work it all to the good!  As our minister says, the most common word used when we finally reach heaven’s gate ……..Ohhhhhhhh!

Looking up! ~ Barb – not quite so Malibu this morning!

"Malibu" Barb(ie)

Growing up we used baby oil with a tinge of iodine and laid out on the patio roof, thinking by being that much closer to the sun, we’d tan quicker.  And if we should have been at school (college) the first day the sun beat strongly enough, we would don our bathing suits, and somehow convince ourselves it wasn’t cold hoping the brick wall would shield us from the wind AND absorb some of the sun’s heat and bounce it back onto our glistening bodies.  Oh to be tan!

We were the Coppertone™ girls, or the Sea and Ski™ kids, lathering our bikini clad bodies up with who knows what… SPF wasn’t even a consideration.  Now 30+ years later, many of us are visiting the dermatologist for chemical peels that we hope will repair our sun damaged faces and bodies.  I’m right there with ya, well, I should be anyway!

Many of us still want that sun-kissed look and now have resorted to new methods to get it!  Friday was my first foray into this adventure!  I do not have a beef with the company, and my intent is not to promote or diss the company I went to for this experience, my only purpose is to relay the story and so I’ll begin.

Friday afternoon, my daughter and I proceeded to go to a tanning center.  See I have this hang-up about being pale for my son’s wedding.  Although I’ve been outside, as is evidenced by my various tan lines, I thought it prudent to think about going to a tanning center to help me even things up a bit!  I arrive a bit nervous, this is a new experience.  I have no intention of laying in a sun “coffin” so have opted for the spray tan.  I belly up to the counter and the young lady with the perfect tan on a nearly perfectly shaped body with gleaming perfect teeth greets me.  That should have been my first clue, everyone there seemed so perfect!  Anyway, I digress.  This nice young lady starts by asking me questions and I’m wondering if my hearing is off because I’m totally not comprehending what it is she is saying.  My fault, not hers!

She is asking me a question by telling me an answer and I’m not even sure what I said.  Somehow she seques this into selling me some sort of an accelerator and I’m thinking NASCAR?!  She then says something to the effect of if I’m dry I’ll need a moisture treatment and I’m still back on the accelerator and what I’m to do with that.  She had made mention that this accelerator was enough for two sessions and that was when I said something about my being so dry that I was crepey and I think she thought I said creepy and she is looking at Brooke for an explanation.  I thought this visit was prepaid and the next thing I know, I’m whipping my card out to pay for this accelerator and I can’t figure out where I’m driving to?!

The young lady leads Brooke and I through a maze of rooms, again some of them filled with the sun “coffins”.  We finally arrive at a room that has this shower/telephone booth in it.  I set my gym bag down as this young lady starts to tell me what it is I have to do.

First thing is to put on a cap to protect my hair.  Now, that said, my hair is gray, no I don’t color it, but I’m about to color my body?!  Does that even make sense to anyone?  When putting this cap on my head I am to leave an inch of hair showing so I don’t wind up with a white line around my face?  Aaahhh…..what is my white hair then?  Ok, cap on, but wait, my clothes are still on?  Duh!  I’m getting ahead of myself.  The young lady then tells me after I change out of my clothes, to use the accelerator, I guess I’ll be going fast?!  Then I’m supposed to use this barrier cream three times on my hands, so my hands don’t tan… does anyone remember the self-tanner QT™?  Ok, after I use the barrier cream and rub it into my hands thickly, I’m to use a thin layer on the back of my hands and then dab white blobs of the stuff on my fingernails.  Oh, and then I’m to do my feet!  Then she says go over to the telephone shower booth and step inside.  Hang your toes (no it is not like surfing) over the red line.  Then she goes into the positions???!!!!  First position and no it isn’t ballet, is standing facing the front of the booth, with your elbows raised shoulder height, with your hands pointing down.  Is anyone assuming the position?  Second position looks like something Steve Martin did in the movie King Tut, think a sphinx, right elbow 90 degree angle with palm facing your face, other arm, 90 degree angle hand pointing down with palm facing your butt.  Again, anyone in position?  Third position is the reverse of second position and then fourth position is facing the rear, (not your own) with arms away from your body but hanging down with your hands cocked at the wrists.

At this point the young lady and Brooke exit the room and I now must put all this information into the same sequential order or I’m going to be tan in spots I can’t even imagine.  Really, they should write this down.  Let me just say, I have no interest in tan boobs, or a tan tush and besides that I’m thinking about the old show, Candid Camera, where they catch you unexpectantly, so I decide what the heck, I can buy new underwear!  I don the cap, and then start lathering up my hands, but then remember I didn’t take off my earrings, my rings or my necklace.  Good thing they have plenty of paper towels!  I repeat with the barrier cream and it would have been better to have started with my feet, who knew?!!!  By the way, don’t do the bottom of your feet…..let me just say it was like ice skating!  Ok then, I’m finally ready.  I step into the booth and as stated I put my hand in front of this green blinking light……nothing happens.  I switch hands…..nothing happens.  Oh c’mon now……3 times with both hands and I’m thinking, I am not getting dressed again to go tell them the booth isn’t working!  Finally I hit the darn button and a voice comes on and I look up and there is this little “Bose” like cube speaker.  It tells me to assume first position!  Ok, here goes.  The sprayer is on a pole and it has multiple heads, but I have to quickly close my eyes, because it is about to hit my face.  My instincts tell me to hold my breath, but the spray is so cold I gasp inhaling the spray, (so now my lungs must be tan!).  Geez, no one told me it was cold.  The feeling is like going out in the spring and having someone shoot you with your garden hose from about a foot away with the hose set on mist.  Did I mention it was cold?! 

All of a sudden, this voice comes back on and says assume position 2.  Cripes what was that again?  Oh yeah palm facing face and the other facing my butt.  Again, the cold spray.  Positions 3 and 4 follow.  Next it is time for a drying technique, and this is like the drive through car wash, when those vacuums suck up the water….you know how they raise the windshield wipers from the car?  Yeah! 

Finally, because I was crepey (not creepy, although after sharing you all might think so), I then get this moisture package, and again, the temperature is of such a nature that my lungs get another dose of whatever this is!  The voice then comes on telling me to rotate around through the 4 positions and then says that I am finished.

All in all, it took about 3 minutes, as with baking, the prep part was the longest.  I now step from the booth still moist and have no earthly idea what to do.  I reach first for the paper towels and blot the cream off my hands and feet.  But, do I actually dry myself or will that smear all the stuff off me and what did the dryers do if I’m still wet?  At this point I dab myself with the towel, put my clothes on over what I wore in the booth, because I don’t want to ruin anything else and head back out to where Brooke is waiting.  I look in the mirror prior to heading out, but don’t see any change?!  Unfortunately the aroma coming off of my skin is not the pleasant Coppertone™ smell, but the stench of the QT™, then I’m told, I can’t shower for about 7 hours.  Ok so that means I’m gonna have to sleep smelling like this because it was 5 pm when I was finished! 

I arrive home, proceed through my evening and don’t get a wink of sleep because I somehow keep waking myself up when I put my hand under my face and smell that awful smell.  Thankfully the alarm goes off at 5 am and I bound up anxious for my shower.  Yes, 5 am….and bounding out of bed don’t sound like they go together, but let me assure you it was all good.

The experience is not one I will soon forget and as far as my color – for the most part people said it looked pretty natural, but that was after I sat outside this afternoon absorbing some natural vitamin D (which by the way is not a vitamin)!

Life is about experiences, I hope my rendition put a smile on someone’s face!  The only way this could have been better……if during the drying stage, it could have sucked the flabby parts into better positions!

Looking up!~ “Malibu” Barb(ie)

"What if"

What if, the possibilities seem limitless or they can seem confining, it’s all in a matter of perspective.  To a young person, the world seems to be neverending filled with infinite possibilities as far as their dreams can take them; they have many roads to traverse, journeys to be taken, and memories to be made.  They are in a rush to get somewhere, anywhere, just not where they are right now!  Yet, to an aged person, the sky seems to have lowered where limits are realized and the journeys as well as the roads have mostly been travelled and some have ended back where they began.  Memories were made but the thoughts running through their minds now seem to center around where the time went and why it went so fast!  They want to slow down and savor the moments, wishing for lost time back.

I find myself somewhere in between feeling a bit of the melancholy that a parent does when their role seems to shift.  Gone are the days of being needed for just about everything and anything, to the more casual, very occasional favor.  What I once saw as endless possibilities, I now fear lack of choice with age. It’s the loss of wanderlust of adventure, wanting instead the security of the familiar and in some respects that saddens me.  You see, there are still some of the same questions I had with growing up, the main one being what I wanted to be as if just being who I was wasn’t enough!

Did I set the world on fire?  Was I supposed to?  Did I make a difference, will I be remembered?  Or, did I just mark time with countless others watching days slip by.  No, I didn’t have grand plans, the limelight is not what I sought, but I had hopes and dreams and wanted the satisfaction of hearing “well done, good and faithful servant.”  I tarried and dappled in different realms but lacked the stick-to-it-ness to have risen above mediocrity.  Blending isn’t a bad thing, if you are a soup. 

So I say to those of you still young enough to do so, instead of seeking to have it all, choose wisely and strive to make your mark, be passionate not lukewarm.  The choices are yours to make, but in making those choices consider everything not just what’s in it for you.  Choose to glorify God first, choose to love, starting with yourself, and then let your love have the trickle down effect, sharing it with others. 

Don’t misread what I have written, I am mostly content, my life to this point and beyond has shared the road with ups and downs.  This is written more from the perspective of advice I might give if those ascending to the summit were interested in hearing the tale from one on their descent.  I still have many a mountain to climb, its just that their peaks might not be as tall.  I’m no longer rushing and there is security in savoring the beauty of God’s creation.

To my kids, we did the best we could and as the song about Blessings by Laura Story goes – What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears…..what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?  Just remember, this is not and was never meant to be our home!

Looking up!~ Barb

Just as He said

Wouldn’t it be nice if people were willing to say what they mean and truly mean it?!  I was reading Matthew 28 verse 6.  The words “just as He said” stopped me in my tracks.  The story goes, that Jesus has spoken about His crucification prior to it occurring and even in His telling of it, those who witnessed countless miracles as they walked with Him, still weren’t quite convinced of who He was and what He was saying.  Then too, they were afraid of the consequences of being labeled a friend of His.

Each of us has a filtering system by which we interpret things.  These filters basically allow us to take any occurrence and make it “work” for us regardless of what the initial wording may have been.  A friend and I were walking this morning discussing how an accident with three eye witnesses can in each instance be different and the reason is because of the perception of fact, the angle we view the instance around and what might be blocking our line of sight.  These distortions alter the outcome and in court cases, we are only asked to prove to a point of conviction of whether or not there is an absence of considerable doubt.

I recently started reading Lee Strobel’s “The Case for Christ.”  I’m not even into the first chapter yet and he relates a story about an apparent open and shut case against a former felon who agrees to plead out, for a reduced sentence rather than go to trial trying to prove his innocence (which he was) because of who he would be going up against in the case.  The case seemingly was open and shut with the bad guy being the bad guy and the good guy being the good guy, except that this was not the case.  The good guy was covering up something that he shouldn’t have done and framed the bad guy who was willing to take the fall with a lesser sentence than fight it and risk losing and taking the bigger loss of having to serve a greater sentence.  See the filtering system at work?

I truly want to believe that when I give my word about something, that when it comes to having to stand up and produce, I would be able to produce, unfortunately our humanness gets in the way.  I want to trust in the system, but am skeptical of how the system works.  No one can unequivocally say it will be just as they say!

Yet, Jesus did and His resurrection occurred “just as He said!”  I would like to be trusted and would like to trust others, but and that is the operative word…..but, there are too many instances that allow for the alterations of fact.  Even in the verse of Matthew 28, there were those who didn’t want the outcome to be believed so they concocted a story whereby the disciples were supposedly to have stolen the body of Jesus, so that their story would stick.

Said and done, I find great comfort in knowing that things will be ….. “just as He said.”  I need only to look there instead of trying to find comfort in those who like me, can be coerced through human perception.  Someday we will all have to make the decision of what we believe and there is a song with lyrics that say “what if” and to the naysayers, you may be right, but “what if” you are wrong?  “What if” it is “just as He said!”  It all comes down to a choice!

Looking up! ~ Barb

NOW!

Now!  I have recently realized how important “now” is.  Albert Schweitzer was quoted as saying “Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now – always.” 

Truth and now are best friends in my opinion and it was never so poignantly expressed than this past weekend when I had the good fortune to be accepted into a volunteer Hospice training program.  As part of the training, each candidate was required to undergo a 12-hour orientation course and this was eye opening to say the least.  I don’t share this to in any way to make myself “look special” in anyone’s eyes, this was a growth opportunity for me in an area I feel very passionately about.

One of the exercises we were asked to participate in required us to fill in responses in 5 categories.  The categories we had to fill in were to name:

1)   4 people you love

2)  4 values you feel are important

3)  4 of your favorite material possessions

4)  4 body parts you use most

5)  4 experiences you enjoy

Once we had listed these, we were asked to prioritize them.  Then, the coordinator read us a story.  The story revolved around an issue of health that started as an initial diagnosis, we had to listen to the story, and one at a time delete one of the above 20 responses.  We had no idea what the outcome of the story was going to be so we couldn’t rely on that to hedge our choices.

The purpose of this exercise was to help us understand what it is like to “lose” things that are valuable to us without our ability to control the timing because you aren’t necessarily given the luxury of time.  This translates to “NOW.”  This forced me to look at the truth in my life.  When I was down to 2 cards left, I once again had to give up one of them, but this time, the person sitting next to me was the one that picked it sight unseen.  This shows the lack of control associated with illnesses, we don’t pick the illness or when it strikes or the outcome.

Now and truth.  My truth is that I need to appreciate the many blessings I already have in my life and to share them with those I love and the time is now.  There is no guarantee that I will have tomorrow and should I have a tomorrow, there isn’t a guarantee that my life changing moment is not out there waiting for me.  No, don’t live in fear, live instead with a purpose, live with joy in what this one day has to offer.  Live NOW and be honest with yourself about the priorities in your life.  Don’t live according to someone else’s truth, make it a point to find your own and by golly, make it count as positively as you can.  In the end, it isn’t about how much you accumulated; it is about whether or not you did the best that you could with all that you had.  Live and love now!

Looking up!  Barb

Humble Pie 2

I have repeatedly heard and read that we are supposed to be thankful in all situations and I have never understood how that can be possible or even how it is accomplished.  Yesterday the light on those questions was finally focused for me.  I titled this humble pie 2, because the simplicity of the how and why seemed so basic that I had literally skipped right over it.  But isn’t that our way?  Don’t we have the tendency to make everything hard?!

I never realized how tightly I had shut the door of my heart, even wedging it tighter with the hurts that have accompanied the negativity in my life.  It seemed to be an oxymoron to be thankful in those circumstances; never did I think, with that being the operative word, that God’s power can’t be associated with anything negative.  God is positive and like a magnet He is trying to pull us through that negativity, closer to Him, but we don’t let Him.  We get so wrapped up in our little pity parties.  The solution is simple, almost too simple.  Turn to Him and release, allow Him to pull you through the pain because to hold onto it you can’t hold onto Him.  I have the tendency to try to hold onto God with one hand and my pain with the other, so picture a tug of war with me being the center line on the rope.  My desire determines the strength I choose to allow one side or the other to pull harder!  Instead of holding one hand of each, give God both of your hands!

Which then leads to the next simplistic answer to my question of “What if”.  Unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable….wait until you hear this and I hope it sheds as much light for you as it did for me!  We borrow our concerns from the future when we stop focusing on today!  Eegads, it is like I’ve gone to the library and check out the “what if” book.  Did anyone’s mother or father say anything to you about borrowing trouble, while you were growing up?  Mine did.  Well, it is a true phenomenon and God’s answer to it is to rest in His peace today and when you agree to His terms, He takes whatever that “what if” is and hides it from you, masking the outcome to allow for your peace of mind and your ability to get through the day at hand.  I’ll use a pretty tough example and one I’ve been able to share the experience of.  When you are working with a cancer patient and they are in the midst of chemo, you focus on the day at hand, not some far off occasion.  It isn’t that you are not hopeful of them experiencing the far off occasion, it is that you are able to see just how difficult it can be to get through that one day.  Chemo zaps you of strength, not to mention making you feel sick.  The person going through the chemo doesn’t have the wherewithal to even want to think about anything down the road, they just want to make it through the day!  Remember the story about the manna from heaven?  God didn’t say hoard it up for a rainy day and those that tried found out it rotted, no He said, gather enough for today.  He wanted the Israelites to trust Him for the next day, the NEXT DAY!  I don’t buy into the idea of “needing to know” everything.  In fact, in war or other situations where a surprise element is needed, I never can comprehend how we are supposed to shock and awe someone, when we advertise we are about to shock and awe them?!  Isn’t that like telling someone you are having a surprise party for them?  Tomorrow is tomorrow and by focusing on it, we lose out on what is today!

I’ll end with, when I sit each morning and allow myself to be in God’s presence, I have the amazing feeling of joy.  Joy in my opinion is the ability to feel that at the given moment all is right with the world, I have my needs met and am loved in the fullness of my being.  Now, I want to figure out how to make that feeling last longer than just the quiet time of my morning, because as I move past that quiet time and reposition into the world, the joy that I have felt seems to fade and the what ifs seem to re-take control.  While I know the answer is to keep God at the center of my day, I just need the practice of doing so!

Side note – Today - Happy 91^st birthday Dad and should I not blog tomorrow, Happy 88^th Mom.  I am blessed to have been born and raised in such a wonderful loving home.  Thank you!

Looking up! ~ Barb

Humble Pie I

Sometimes we think we are so smart and then when something so simple gets pointed out to us, we sit in wonder about how little it is we really know!  My experiences of the past few days have served to point out some very teachable moments and they have also dished up a heaping portion of humble pie.

Think of an equilateral triangle.  We start and end our lives at the base of the triangle.  In our early years we gain knowledge as we work our way to the apex, simplified think of a baby as it matures.  Remember the terrible two’s?  That is the start of the independent streak that separates the child from dependency.  Each step we take toward the peak of the triangle we slowly gain confidence leaning more toward our own understanding.  In short, we gain knowledge, we learn.  At the height of our climb, when we peak, we are pretty darn cocky and full of ourselves.  As the parent of (2) 20 somethings I can attest that they seem pretty sure of themselves, and I’m positive they are right in there with the rest of their age group!  I don’t have a defined age for the summit, but once climaxed, we begin our descent.  The decline then too serves as a time when we once again become open to possibilities because we have taken ourselves out of the “all that” mode, again to simplify we learn.  This is the source of wisdom!  I find that I am on the decline!

Another point I was made to realize was again in reference to this triangle.  When we are infants we are open and trusting but totally dependent on someone else to care for us, likewise when we age, those living long enough, once again reach that state of needing to rely on someone to care for them.  This scenario begged the question of me, “Who do you want taking care of you?”

Years ago and maybe when we didn’t live so long….families took care of their loved ones in their homes.  Now, there are more and more nursing facilities cropping up to do what the families either can’t do or don’t want to do.  The thought that crosses my mind in making the last statement is why would they not want to?  And the answer is pretty horrifying – they don’t have the time to be able to and by that I mean, time, ability or desire.  To address time – they are busy with their own lives.  Ability – our aged have special needs that need special education/equipment in knowing how to deal with them.  Which leaves desire – and that I’m afraid is a byproduct of the selfishness we have instilled in our children.

Let me state that I understand the two-income family and I have been part of one for the past 19 years.  I was fortunate however; to have been able to be a stay-at-home mom with my kids up through the age of 6; once they hit school age, I then took on jobs that stilled allowed me to be home when they were home.  I know that doesn’t work for everyone today and the reasons are many, especially in this economy.  So understand I’m not knocking the double income, but I am asking the reason behind it.  Stay with me here, this is difficult to discuss, even for me!  This has to do with our wants and needs.  A need is defined as food, water, a roof over one’s head, clothing (not designer stuff) and love.  A want is anything beyond that.  It is the wants that create the selfishness, because in securing all of our wants, we limit our exposure to one of our needs and that is in providing and accepting love.  Love isn’t a tangible thing we give to someone; it is giving of ourselves, not just our money.  Remember the song “Cats in the cradle?”  The boy wants his dad to play ball, but the dad is always too busy.  Finally the boy grows up and the dad, now aged has the time to be part of the son’s life, but the son no longer has the time.  It is a vicious circle, unless we choose otherwise, it wasn’t about the “ball” it was about spending time together!

Do you know why I write this blog?  So that my kids can look back and understand the essence of who I was and why I chose to do the things with them that I did.  We might not have been high fallootin, but my husband and I certainly spent as much quality time with them as we possibly could.  I hope that this segues into their desire to want to do well by us should the time come when we need care.  It isn’t a guarantee though.  As my own Mom walks the avenues of her Alzheimer’s mind, she states she is lonely.  She used to be useful and she struggles to understand why she is still living, having lived past what she has determined is her purpose.  The dementia is an exercise in debilitating frustration, for her as well as my sisters and father who care for her.  I live 600 miles away and do what I can, which for me is never enough.  It pains me to think of her locked in the maze of her mind, searching for words and knowing she is losing it.  AND she knows, believe me, for the most part she knows and she fights it!  My greatest fear is one of loneliness and I don’t think I’ve cornered the market on it, meaning I’m not alone in my thoughts about it.  There is a major difference between being alone and lonely though.  I love the quiet time I am afforded each day and I spend it alone.  No loneliness is that feeling of existing and no one really noticing you, the absence of mattering, and the inability to connect on a deeper level than just the casual.  There are many lonely people out there, and they may even find themselves lonely in the midst of a crowd!  It is my belief that loneliness has to do with the absence of a basic need – love.  Why do we keep substituting material things for love?  Again, my thoughts go to a Bette Midler song, “Hello in There”, which is a song about an older person sitting (on a park bench, or in a wheelchair, or in the dining hall of a nursing facility) and they are just blank, staring off into space, thinking their thoughts and maybe, just maybe as they watch people pass them by, they think, it would be nice if someone stopped to inquire something/anything of me……even just to say hello!

Love is presence, not presents. 

Pie anyone?

Looking up! ~ Barb