Connected?

Does anyone else notice that we have found more and more ways to be attached without being connected?  Email, texting, instant messaging, face book, tweeting, and blogging – oops….All of these methods offer a screen of semi-detachment, meaning you can decide to not “log” on, if you choose.  My husband and I go to church on Saturday evenings and during the announcements, they were talking about our need to be connected in small groups or as they term them “life groups.”  Our church is pretty big and the idea of church is not just to come together weekly and look/listen to one person speaking and the back of a lot of other heads, but instead to meet in small groups (even Jesus had a small group – the 12 disciples!).  This does not mean that you don’t come to church, but more that “church” isn’t just a one day event (be it Saturday or Sunday), but the opportunity to meet more often.  The small group is also that set of people who are then available to you in a more personal way to do service projects with, to socialize with and to stand by your side when you encounter life’s joys and hardships.  Our church recognizes through its sheer size that the pastoral staff can’t meet everyone’s individual needs at the same time, although they do offer a host of programs for the various needs out there.

That said, Bruce and I go to church, and sit in the same seats or one row behind, where we normally would sit, based on whether or not we get there first.  Comically, another couple we chat with every week, also try for these seats!  BTW, the church has stadium seating like in a movie theatre and just for the record, we like these people!  When it is all said and done though, we really don’t know anyone at this church, mainly because of its size and added to that, Bruce and I aren’t involved in other aspects like choir, ushering, greeting etc.  Again, the church recognizes that this is all too often the case and is the reason they suggest these small groups.

Here’s the thing though.  People are busy, and we are no exception.  My feeling is that instead of joining a “new” small group, I would just like to take “my” group of friends and do this same thing.  To me a “life” group is about sharing your “life,” and that doesn’t just mean the pretty parts of it.  To make the life group work though, you have to start with some basic parameters and for me that means you have to share a common thread or attitude.   It doesn’t mean that you can’t have differing opinions about things, but that you agree about some of the basics. 

The main point being that we need to have people in our lives!  People who agree to stand by us, no matter what.  We need to reach out and connect, not just through the “convenient” methods of technology, but through face to face contact.  Some say, well, that is what family is for and while I agree to a point, I worry about “dumping” my problems on my children and their taking them on, without the benefit of maturity, not to mention that those in close proximity to the problem may either be part of the problem or too close to be able to grasp its magnitude.  I have seen firsthand a child take on the very same characteristics that one parent is trying to share about the other parent!  Do we really want to pit ourselves against our spouse in front of our kids?  Our kids want and need to be able to love us both and they feel uncomfortable hearing whatever diatribe one parent has against the other!   People in our own age bracket, may have had similar life experiences, and those younger or older can also offer perspective, but those not connected by family can safely offer suggestions being that one step removed and not so closely invested! 

Back in the day, neighbors were probably the essence of the life group.  I remember when the neighbors got together using one set of plans and a case of beer and they built one back porch after another right down the street.  To this day, those porches still stand and funny enough, most of these people are still neighbors.  No they didn’t agree on everything, but they certainly did help one another out and still continue to do so.  This is what I feel has been lost in our society with our impersonal “connections” and what I feel our church is trying to re-establish!

What say you?  Are you connected?

Looking up!~Barb

Listening

Do you ever wonder if anyone is listening?  No, I’m not soliciting for responses to my blog, I am truly wondering in all the noise surrounding us, if what we are saying is getting across.  I work as a kitchen designer and I had two potential clients in today.  We were discussing their project and they are requesting pricing quickly, and I really want to give it to them, however, I want to give them the right price!  I have a 50/50 chance at getting this job and if my pricing isn’t to their liking, I lose the opportunity to win the job.

Here’s the thing, I can give them pricing, but what I found in looking at the job, was that whoever did the original layout, didn’t account for some pretty important design elements.  Re-doing a kitchen can be an expensive endeavor, so if you are going to embark on this journey, you want to make sure that the end result is also going to be one that is aesthetically pleasing as well as functional, it isn’t just about the price!  In this particular case, one major design flaw has one cabinet looking like a matchstick and the cabinet adjacent to it, having double doors.  It is simple enough to add the sizes together and divide it in half and wind up with a more desirable look of symmetry.  That way you get the look and the function!  Another element involved was a cabinet she didn’t need because she was going with a chimney style hood.  There were other design questions, but the bottom line was I am going to be able to save them money by pricing this job according to what it is they really want.  And, that takes listening, because sometimes people don’t know what they want.  They just want it all!

We have a habit of talking, nonstop, but what are we really saying?  And, how is our point getting across?  If I say I want to learn to cook, but never avail myself to the opportunities that would allow that to happen, do I really want what I say I want?  There are cooking schools, cookbooks, cooking shows – all within my means, but I have to mean what I say and say what I mean in order for my desire to come to fruition.  Unfortunately what I think happens is that we spend our time trying to figure out what someone else wants us to say and then we try to do our best to meet it.  And we fail because the person didn’t mean what they said and the other is fulfilling something that wasn’t really meant to be!

Listening involves closing your mouth and opening not just your ears, but your eyes and your heart.  One of my favorite shows is “Lie to Me.”  While this is a fictional show, there is some truth to the mannerisms they speak about.  Whether or not we are aware of it, people can read what we are saying without our even opening our mouths.  Our expressions, our gestures, our body stature all give clues to our stories, so this is why our eyes are necessary.  Our hearts are needed, so when we hear with our ears, our hearts can absorb what is being said as well as what might not being said.  I have a friend who keeps telling me she is fine, and she did a pretty good job of convincing me, but my heart wasn’t convinced and by the way, no, she is not fine!

In casual conversation we ask, “How are you?”  Do you really want the answer?  If I’m asking, I do!  And not the standard, fine how are you?  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.  Have you ever had the experience whereby someone says “we’ll have to get together” and it never happens?  To some, it is just an easy way to part company gracefully.  It really screws with your mind though, especially if you are waiting for the next get together. 

Relationships are difficult enough without the game playing.  Why lead someone on if you aren’t really interested in them?  Is it a power thing?  Is it just until someone better comes along or a better opportunity?  I don’t get it!  No wonder we are so messed up!  I want healthy relationships!  The best advice I can give anyone is BE YOU! 

If you aren’t honest with yourself, if you don’t love yourself FIRST, how can you ever expect any relationship to survive?  The first step in listening is listening to yourself and lining up your words with God’s truths!  If you are genuine, people will see that and will respond in kind!  Listening is easy, if you are interested!  The key is taking the focus off of you and placing it on the one speaking!  Hear what is being said, but don’t be thinking of your answer while they are still talking, because then you aren’t really listening.

Finally, when you are the one talking…..come up for air and let the other person have a chance to let you know that they have heard what you’ve said!  The greatest gift you can give someone is to acknowledge what they have said, even if the acknowledgement comes somewhere down the line!

Looking up!~Barb

Chat?

Do you recognize the difference between talking to or having a conversation with someone?….Talking to sounds like it can be deflective, as if a shield can be put up.  I envision an old fashion trashcan lid lifted by its handle, with the underside of the lid pointed in the direction of the one who is talking TO me.  While it just might be semantics, the idea of having a conversation WITH someone sounds much more appealing to me, because it sounds like it will be an exchange of ideas instead of a directional flow of words (TO, or AT).

If you ever want to know if you are getting through, first determine which speech pattern you are using.  To take this one step further, have you ever had a conversation with God?  I believe that that is really what prayer is supposed to be, a conversation!  Do you chat with God or have a litany of "I want" or "I need" questions?  We saw a very telling “movie” clip in church the other day; they used the idea of a modern day prayer with Jesus taking place in a coffee shop.   The actor portraying Jesus is sitting waiting in the coffee shop, anticipating the arrival of His friend.  She breezes in late, like a whirling dervish, already going on about how she is sorry she is late, what was going on etc.  Finally she sits down and coffee is ordered.  Again, she starts in immediately going to requests, I would like this, and pray for that, and oh and so and so needs this.  This goes on for like an hour and it was an ADD one way conversation on a highly caffeinated level.  When she finally comes up for air, and just as the actor portraying Jesus, is about to speak, she looks down at her watch and says, “Oh my, look at the time, I’ve gotta go.” And off she goes.  Isn’t that an example of talking “to” someone?

We unfortunately don’t come with “user” manuals.  Too bad, I believe we all need them!  Everyone wants to be "loved" in a certain way, but unfortunately we don’t share how we'd like that to occur.  We expect others to read our minds.  We run a 50/50 chance of putting our needs out there and having them met, but if we don’t put them out there, we run a 100% chance of having them NOT met!  Same thing when we have a conversation with God.  Too many of us don’t “ask”, we “tell” God what we want.  The thing I’ve learned about conversations with God is that He can have 3 answers – Yes, No, or Wait.  And the thing with His answers, they are about the ultimate good and about His will.  What if what you want is mediocre in comparison to what He has planned in answer to your request?  Again, can you picture day after day, week after week just asking a friend for something you think you want or need, but never giving them a chance to answer?

I’m a parent.  When the kids were young and did bonehead things (yes they did), they would get a “talking to” and sometimes a thump on the backside!  Think I’m horrible if you must, but the thump was NOT a beating, and it was to emphasized the point!  The point being, the “talking to” was not open for debate, for example imagine being 5 and chasing a ball into the street in front of an oncoming car!  Get the picture?!  That was NOT open for debate.  I get the feeling that when someone talks "AT" someone, the person on the receiving end is off thinking about what else they wish they were doing!!! 

I enjoy conversing "with" those I'm in a relationship with.  I am not without the need of learning and when you "share" you offer the opportunity of gaining knowledge.  Another description just entered my mind.  I'm sitting in a lecture hall with the professor going on, in a monotone voice, ad nauseam. Hmmm! Now that I think about it, the classes I did best in, were the smaller interactive ones! 

Looking up!~Barb

Trees

Originally written this fall....

Standing at my kitchen window this morning, with a cup of coffee in my hand, I looked out at the spectacular fall colors.  As I stood there, a thought came to my mind, people are like trees.  In the spring time of life, we start fresh with blooms/buds and as each tree shoots forth, new branches form and leaves slowly uncurl and are shiny and new, and little.  There is a sense of promise.   How tall will they grow? 

As the trees mature, they come into their summer season.  Most trees are similar at this point.  Green.  Isn’t that just like our teenage and young adult years?  We are green in our expectations of what the world holds for us.  We try many different hats on, before becoming the people we were destined to be!  Our trees put forth new branches and some are meant to stay and others need to be cut back.  Pruning makes us grow, just like a tree, it enables the juices to flow in direction, allowing us to hit new heights rather than just nourishing what has already been in existence.

Fall, my favorite time of the year.  This is when we finally make our distinctions.  Look outside, see the golden leaves, see the hennas, the browns and yes, still some greens.  Fall is this time in my life.  I am ok with who I am and I find it is ok to be decidedly different, not conforming to anyone else’s idea of who I should be.  Some could look to this as a sad time, some might think they are past their prime.  Not me, the numbers associated with my name – be they age, dimensions or weight are inconsequential to me.  We have matured, and our personalities are the colors of the leaves in fall.  Each color is vibrant and all together they speak of God’s beauty in our lives.

Winter, most but not all, the leaves are down.  I say this, because I have 2 oak trees that hang on tight to their leaves until the new shoots of spring push them aside.  Winter continues with its beauty too though.  Look at the tree barks, see their uniqueness, areas where it is rough, areas where it has been pruned.  Note the striations of color along its heights.  Notice the shape, is it tall and upright, or bent by the wind? No matter, it still has a story to share, the rings of its life are carefully etched into its core, only visible when it gets felled.

All this reminds me that we are all created by God, no two alike… some trees are stronger than others, some trees are free of grain, others  have knotholes, some trees served a purpose and then were forever twisted to never be able to serve that purpose again (a dogwood made up the cross).  No matter what variety of tree you have been in my life, your foliage is and has been a beautiful sight to behold.  Finally, some tree roots are shallow and some run quite deep and this too has its purpose, whether the roots are meant for a  reason, season or lifetime, they are a blessing to me. 

Looking up!~Barb

Letting Go

“Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.” [1]  Hmmm.  What are we holding on to, good or bad that we can’t seem to let go of?  This can be an ideal established a long time ago, or a recent inaccurate description of ourselves that loops around our brains telling us we aren’t worthy!  We can even be holding on to relationships with others that no longer fulfill either of our needs.  What about our kids?  Do we allow them the ability to forge ahead in life, making their own mistakes and suffering the consequences of them? 

I have a difficult time saying good bye.  I dislike endings and will hold onto some things and relationships years after they are over, sometimes even re-visiting them.  I’m not sure why I do this, maybe I’m thinking that the years in between might have somehow changed whatever the circumstances were that made the relationship not work out in the first place.  I’ve been known to re-read a book, now I know the ending isn’t going to change, isn’t that the same thing?!

In regard to our kids, I’m not suggesting we terminate our relationship with them, but I believe we have to allow that relationship to grow to a new level, especially as they grow and mature.  By holding them in our grip so tightly that they feel they must still succumb to our every command is only to invite animosity from them.  Years ago, I read the book, “The Prophet” by Kahil Gibran.  I’m paraphrasing here, but he said “Your children are not your children; they come through you but not from you.  You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.”  I feel that all my relationships including my children are gifts given to me, from God.

I learned a lesson, fairly early in motherhood.  As I mentioned before, my nephew, Rick passed away in 1989 at the age of 20 from leukemia.  I watched how nothing medical science tried, could save this young man’s life.  I remember Nancy saying it took her 9 months to have him and 9 months to lose him.  No amount of their trying to hang on, kept death from their doorstep.   Shortly after Rick passed away, I dedicated my children to God.  I remember saying that I realized that they were His children, and am blessed that He saw fit to loan them to me.  I have not had the experience, nor do I want the experience of losing one of my children and please understand I am not minimizing the pain involved with losing a child!  

I hold my kids, my husband, my parents, my sisters/brothers and my closest friends near and dear to my heart, but I hold them loosely.  Yes, I do have expectations, but I am also aware that we humans are imperfect.  My expectations are not unrealistic expectations, ones whereby I believe anyone can meet each and every need I have, nor can I meet all of theirs, but I do expect to be treated in a loving manner. I expect honesty and want to be able to trust.  Relationships in my view are verbs implying actions, not nouns that are descriptions and inanimate.

When Nancy was sick, I had a conversation with God.  I was asleep, when this occurred.  I remember Him saying to me, “Barb, you have a choice.  You can help with Nancy’s care, or choose not to, but, should you choose, you must be willing to let go when its time.”  I was crying my eyes out, and I said no, I couldn’t do it, I didn’t know what to do, how to do it and I wasn’t going to be able to let go.  I was sobbing and Bruce never woke up!  In about 2 minutes time, my no, turned into an emphatic yes and everything I needed was provided for.  Yes, eventually I did have to let go, and it wasn’t easy, nor is it still, but the experience was one of the most significantly beautiful experiences in my life!  I shared this same story when I gave her eulogy (something I never thought I’d do, as public speaking is NOT in my comfort zone).  In fact my opening line was, look what you have me doing now!  Oh to be sure, God had to pry my hands open!

Picture your hand tightly gripping something or in anger.   Look at it, it is in a fist.  How can you possibly receive anything if your hand is in a fist?  By releasing “whatever”, you are also opening your hand to the possibilities!  Could you be only holding on to something because of the fear of the unknown?  I can only say that for me, when I let go and opened myself (hand and life) to God, EVERYTHING I needed was provided and still is. 

Looking up!~ Barb

[1][1] Priscilla Shrier, Jonah:Navigating a Life Interrupted

---

On a lighter note

Life isn’t always about “troubles” and I fear that my recent bloggings have some wondering if there is any joy in my life!  Most assuredly there is!  I am happily married, with 2 great kids, who are also about to be married.  Both kids are out of the house, and no, that isn’t the reason for my joy!  We also have 2 very exuberant and large golden retrievers, who keep us quite active.

I love to laugh.  I live my life or at least try to, in a manner whereby I am able to see humor in most days.  I am a practical joker at times and I’m not afraid to laugh at myself, which is key!  I come by my humor naturally, having a Mom, who is quite the quick wit.  Even though she is going through times of dementia, she seems to be able to manage a zinger or two.

I’ve lived in North Carolina for the past 19 years; my parents live in a suburb outside of Philadelphia, PA.  A few years back they came for a visit and traveled by air.  Before it became the thing to do, meaning before the airlines started charging ticketing fees for luggage, my parents would ship their clothes so as not to have baggage woes.  That said, what is it about older folks who can go away for a week and bring 1 change of clothes and their PJ’s, while your teenager going for 3 days needs to bring their entire closet?!  Anyway, I digress.

On their return trip home, I took my parents into the airport to the ticketing counter.  They did their normal routine of handing over the driver’s license, etc.  The girl at the gate then asked about luggage, noticing my parents didn’t have any.  This was all done in casual chit chat, you know, did you come for a visit, how long, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Anyway, after being asked this question, my Mom, without batting an eye, states that she and my Dad were just returning home after being away at a nudist colony!  Oh my gosh!  My Dad almost had a stroke laughing and my head whipped around so fast, I should have had whiplash!

Years ago our kids were on the neighborhood swim team.  At the end of every year, the team had an awards banquet.  My husband and I are pretty conservative, especially in front of our kids.  The kids were at an age, where it wasn’t cool to be heading down to the pool with your Mom and Dad, so they went on ahead.  Somehow, I was able to coerce my husband into doing a practical joke with me.  Have you ever seen the “thong” t-shirt?  You know, the one that looks like you are wearing a bathing suit?  Well, I just so happened to have one for each of us.  We put on these “cover ups” and headed to the pool.  The way our pool is set up, the pavillion, where the banquet is being held, is down at the lower pool.  Bruce and I walk in and are standing at the steps going down to the lower pool, scanning the crowd, for the kids.  The pool area has gone silent, literally you could hear a pin drop.  As people turned to look at the cause (which happened to be us), their mouths dropped open.  First of all, I have gray hair, not that it matters other than you might not expect the look I was attempting, with the age that goes with the hair.  From a distance, these shirts look like the real deal!!  And I know, that those looking up at us, are not registering who Bruce and I are, as much as they are thinking, this is a neighborhood pool, and who in the heck would dare to show up like that!  Then, they recognized us and the laughter started!

Guess who was able to get their Mom into this same shirt!!!  Yep!  I’m surprised my Dad is still alive!  We have given him more shocks that lead to fits of laughter…..you just never know what might come next!  My motto….expect the unexpected!

The bottom line is that I don’t take myself so seriously anymore.  I try to incorporate fun whenever and wherever I can.  Laughter is a great way to relieve stress.  Years ago, I was way too serious, but what I learned from the experience was that I was trying to fit into someone else’s idea of who I should be.  It wasn’t working for me, believe me!  When I taught I was a no nonsense type teacher, ask my future daughter-in-law, when I took classes at the Y, I was the instructor’s class clown, quite innocently on my part, I wasn’t trying to be obnoxious.  Now, it is just about seeing the humor in everyday life and sharing that with others, not at anyone’s expense!!   Look for something to laugh about (not at) and have a great day!

Looking up! ~Barb

Support systems

The most difficult thing in life is watching someone self-destruct.  We can stand by, and offer encouragement but we can’t do the one thing they need to do, which is take the first step.

I am not trained in any way as a counselor, or as a therapist, I’m only a friend, so on this particular journey, I feel I’m in way over my head.  At times, I’ve given up, not knowing what to do next and then I think, if this were me going through this difficult time, wouldn’t I want someone to care enough to persevere?  Some people would say, let the family deal with it.  What if the family doesn’t know?!  But also, sometimes friends are closer than family!  Do we just pass the buck?  I’m not alone in this endeavor or even the “lead” person, but I am still involved and care a great deal!

God places people in your life for a reason. On six differing occasions, I’ve had six friends who have had to deal with cancer.  Five of the six survived their ordeals.  The first friend to brave this battle happened when I was in college and I’m guessing my exposure was just to have my heart become tenderized.  I wasn’t able to “do” anything for her.  The second one occurred when I was a teaching, and basically I just took over her household and bulldozed my way through without a clue.  Number three, held me at a bit of a distance, she’s very private, but at least allowed me to help with some meals and provide verbal support.  Nancy, my BFF and the only one not to survive, was number four and well, there wasn’t one aspect of her care that she didn’t allow me to be part of!  Number five was long distance telephone support and number six is ongoing current support again from a bit of a distance.   While the support may vary in its type, it provided a link of “caring.”   All of this is not to give myself a pat on the back; I’m trying to figure out why I’ve been led in this direction!  The one thing all of these situations showed me was that perseverance is necessary and also helps prove my point about how some friends can be as close as family! 

We are trying to pass this information along to this self-destructing friend.  The problem is, she is stuck down in a black hole and I’m getting the feeling she doesn’t know which way to reach to get out.  When we reach in, she’s too embarrassed to grab a hold.  We keep pointing her to God’s word and how in our brokenness, He is able to work miracles, but it seems to be beyond her capability to understand at this point.  BTW, we just don’t offer these “pat” answers, we have given concrete suggestions as well such as starting with the smallest of steps, because to take one small step is at least a beginning of movement.

Did you ever hear the story about the man in the flood?  The man is sitting in his home watching the water rise and he prays to God, “please help me.”  A man in a boat comes by and says, “get in; I’ll take you to safety”.  The man replies back, “no, God will save me.”  As the water continues to rise, he prays again, this time from the roof of his house, “God, please save me!”  A helicopter flies by and offers to send down a rope to lift the man to safety, again the man says, “no, God will save me.”  Finally, the waters sweep the man away.  When he gets to heaven and meets up with God, he says, “God, I prayed and asked you to save me, why didn’t you?”  God looks back at the man and says, “but I tried, I sent you a boat and a helicopter, why didn’t you use what I sent you?”

 What prayers have you prayed that might have been answered, but answered so simply, that you brushed them away?  Answers from God, probably aren’t as complex and unrecognizable as we think they might be!  And just so you know, I’ve been the person caught in the flood!  I’ve been independent and I don’t ask people for help!  There is a word for that, it is pride.  And that is a topic for another day!

The bottom line is that God loves us enough to send caring people into our lives.  Sometimes we push these people away, but the ones we call friends, are the ones who don’t walk away when the times get tough, they hang in there and sometimes have to make difficult decisions, when the person they care about can’t or won’t.  Hopefully you never have to see that day!

Looking up! ~ Barb

Do-over?

Let me open by saying that I do not want to be considered wise in my own eyes, I am blessed to have a God who by His Grace has given me a heart that is tender for others and if by sharing my stories, I can help someone feel less alone on their journey, well I will just be grateful for the company.  

I am one of 4 in my family, I have 3 wonderful sisters.  Anyway as one of the middle sisters, I neither set the stage nor closed the curtain on my parents' reign.  My parents seemed older than those of most of my friends, probably because they were.  I can think of 2 friends parents who were 12-15 years younger than mine!  That said, I think that that was why we were raised in a no nonense style.  My parents didn't become my "friends" until they were finally done having to "finance" me.  But now, they are included in my circle of "best friends!"

That said, I was pretty much a "goodie two shoes" growing up.  I think I had that sensitive "soul" thing going on way back then and believe me it wasn't cool!  Added to that, I was and still am shy!  The people who know me now, are scratching their heads and saying what? No way!  Yes way!  I get so darn tongue-tied when I meet new people, I feel like I'm playing 20 questions.  I still can't do "small talk".  I was blessed with some athletic ability and was able to use that to cover up my insecurities through my school years.  As part of a team, it allowed me to fit in somewhere.  What goes on inside, doesn't necessarily show up on the outside!!

Anyway on looking back on those years, I want to clarify something.  I never felt as cool as I might have acted and I know that I may have hurt a lot of people in how I portrayed myself with others.  I wish I could have a do-over.  You see, when we are competing for whatever (a guy, a grade, a position on a team) we have the tendency to cut someone else down to make ourselves look better.  Some still do this today and the cost is still not registering.  It wasn't right then and still isn't right today.  Unfortunately in our growing up years, we aren't necessarily aware of others feelings and the following poem written by a high school senior made all the things I couldn't understand become more acceptable to me.  My hope in sharing this is - that you will not feel the same after reading this! 


He always wanted to explain things
But noone cared
So he drew
Sometimes he would draw and it wasn't anything
He wanted to carve it in stone
Or write it in the sky
He would lie out on the grass
And look up at the sky
And it would be only the sky and him that needed saying
And it was after that
He drew the picture
It was a beautiful picture
He kept it under his pillow
And would let no one see it
And he would look at it every night
And think about it
And when it was dark
And his eyes were closed
He could still see it
And it was all of him
And he loved it
When he started school he brought it with him
Not to show anyone but just to have it with him
Like a friend
It was funny about school
He sat in a square brown desk
Like all the other square brown desks
And he thought it should be red
And his room was a square brown room
Like all the other rooms
And it was tight and close
And stiff
He hated to hold the pencil and chalk
With his arms stiff and his feet flat on the floor
Stiff
With the teacher watching
And watching
The teacher came and smiled at him
She told him to wear a tie
Like all the other boys
He said he didn't like them
And she said it didn't matter
After that they drew
And he drew all yellow
And it was the way he felt about morning
And it was beautiful
The teacher came and smiled at him
"What's this?" she said
"Why don't you draw something like Ken's drawing?"
"Isn't that beautiful?"
After that his mother bought him a tie
And he always drew airplanes and rocket ships
Like everyone else
And he threw the old picture away
And when he lay out alone and looked out at the sky
It was big and blue and all of everything
But he wasn't anymore
He was square inside and brown
And his hands were stiff
And he was like everyone else
And the things inside him that needed saying
Didn't need it anymore
It had stopped pushing
It was crushed
Stiff
Like everything else.

Two weeks after submitting this, the young man who wrote it committed suicide.

Embrace your differences and those of others.  Find YOUR niche and make it special.  Invite others to find their niches and to include you.  It is ok to be different!  If you want to know about the history of the poem - google "May your sky always be yellow"

Looking up~ Barb

Trust

Trust is being able to rely on the integrity, ability or character of a person or a thing.  How easy do you find it to trust?  Unfortunately for me, trust is a major dilemma.  Initially I would say I was a pretty naïve person, who basically believed anything anyone told me.  I would always think, why would they not tell the truth?  Over the years, I have had more stories fabricated to me than I care to relate, and I still don’t understand why!

I’m pretty simple, straightforward even.  To me, there aren’t versions of the truth.  I guess I see things pretty much black or white.  It does not mean I always do what is right, but it means that I know when something is right vs. its being not right.  I try to live my life in such a manner that my integrity is without question.  No, this was not always the way, unfortunately I got caught up in my self-importance during my younger years and can still do so now.

Unfortunately, when a relationship has a problem with trust, it is pretty much doomed.  I am actually experiencing some of those relationship type quandries now.  Things have progressed to such a point, that I can’t tell when I’m being told a truth or an untruth.  I’ve stopped asking, not because I’ve stopped caring, but I don’t want the person(s) further damaging either the relationship OR themselves (in the event, they feel shame, remorse or guilt over speaking untruths).  I’m not in a position of judgment, I can only say I’m trying to find a position of empathy and I can only relate to how I might feel, if I were to be found in such a compromising situation. 

It should come as no surprise that if we view trust from the human condition and apply it to God, well, it is no wonder we find it hard to trust Him.  Thing is, He is far greater than we can even imagine and to wrap Him in our limited concept, well it is done, but shouldn’t be.    All my recent morning readings have revolved around the issue of trust.  I was walking our dogs this morning and I had my IPOD playing the same song over and over.  The song playing was “Trust Me” by Crystal Lewis.

Trusting when the way seems dark and scary is not easy.  Trusting someone to lead, means letting go of your control and believing that someone is there to help you sort through the maze.  God needs us to let go, so that He can work in us and through us.  He says in the song, trust ME, let Him lead.  Try to find the joy inside the trial.  What?  Joy inside the trial, what the heck kind of sanctimonious stuff is that?  About the 3^rd time I listened to this song, it finally dawned on me.  The joy inside the trial is GOD.  He's the joy!  Then it is finding that God is in control and is willing to take the wheel, if we would only give it over to Him.  We need to release it completely.  I don’t know about you, I have the unfortunate bad habit of releasing it, only to take it back again.  It’s like playing tug-of-war with God, except He’ll out wait you.  When you are serious about your ability to give it over, that’s when He will take it.  But, just so you know, things don’t always work out the way we want them to!  His answers can be yes, no or wait.  Can you handle that?  Sometimes what we want now, might do us more harm than good, but if we had waited, we would have received something so much better and better for us.  The wait or as the song says, the way may be steep, but we can always trust God, a God who only wants the best for us, His children.  It's ok, you can trust Him! 

Looking up! ~ Barb

Quilt backing

I was talking with a friend the other day.  The experience was delightful.  I could hear the cadence in her voice, the nuances of joy in her feelings and the depths of her pain.  Our conversation lasted about 40 minutes or so and I feel it did us both a world of good! We talked in a circle segueing in interesting patterns. I think we both came away with the feeling of being “heard.”

I am not blessed with the ability to sew.  Actually this was part of our conversation.  I mentioned that it seems like whenever I get next to the sewing machine, the bobbin and thread start a conspiratorial conversation against me.  I will be sewing a long and when I flip the piece I’m working on over, I find that the bottom thread is all snaggled.  My sister on the other hand can make sewing look like child’s play.

OK, so what does one paragraph have to do with the other?  Well, I’d like to make a quilt, but my quilt won’t be made of regular fabric.  My quilt will be made up of the pieces of my life that I stitch together with something other than a sewing machine.  To make my quilt, I will need to gather my supplies.  I will need fabric for the backing, batting and then the pieces that will enable me to tell my story.  I will need something called a rotary wheel cutter and mat with a ruler, then too I will need an iron and some starch, some pins, plus the needle and thread to join it all together.

The essence of the quilt is the story it shares along with the warmth it has lying beneath it before the backing.  So where do we start in making a quilt?  Most people start with the top layer, the story.  But I’ll start with the backing.  For most of us, our backing is our family.  For some, the backing is quite extensive.  This backing is the layer of how we came to be, where our opinions were initially formed, where our goals were initially set, and for some where we watched how our parents did things they told us not to do.  For some, not all, this backing was one filled with love.  The backing is the fabric that allows some to feel at home in any given situation.  For those whose backing was less than optimal, they can feel a sense of unease, a sense of constant competitiveness as if they aren’t enough, if they aren’t the top dog.  And finally for some they fall somewhere in-between, neither having had too much, nor too little, just kind of being there having been provided with the basics.  I am one of the fortunate ones I think, because I am able to say that I was blessed with really great backing.

Another friend just got back from delivering the eulogy at her mother’s funeral; again I’m impressed by the quality of the backing in some of our quilts.  Her ability to stand up and offer a testimony on the love, devotion, and care provided throughout a lifetime, is a precious gift that keeps on giving for generations to come.  There is security in this layer, a security of shared experiences of love and sometimes hurt.  Experiences where we find it is sometimes beyond difficult to withhold our comments or judgments or sometimes we even have to let our own loved ones hurt, so they can grow.  But it is also an experience that testifies about goodness, and when a hug says more than our words possibly say. 

Quality backing doesn’t fray when it encounters crisis.  It can withstand the need for washing (life’s messes) and the heat of drying.  It is after all, the layer closest to us, unless we place something in between it.  I can only hope that the backing my husband and I provided for our kids, will withstand the test of time when they face the challenges in their lives, as the backing supplied by my parents has and continues to do so for me. 

End part 1

Looking up! ~ Barb

Found!

 Yesterday I was lost and trying to put in the coordinates in my GPS, but left you hanging as to if or how to be found.  I wasn’t trying to be coy.  I dislike it when you are seeking an answer and people give you some pat response about living your life in such a way and then “kazaam” your life magically and dramatically changes and you live happily ever after.  Right?  Yeah, not quite.

I have used the trial and error method most of my life, and I haven’t always been happy with the results.  The last four years, I’ve tried a different route, I pulled out the Bible.  After Nancy died, I spent a year, graveside, and read the entire New Testament, one chapter a day, every day.  I know to some of you that might make me seem certifiable, all I can say is it was a way of me working through the grieving process.  At the end of that year, I felt a peace I had never felt before and I also felt that my daily visits were no longer necessary, after all, she isn’t there, she’s a stored treasure in heaven.  By the way, cemeteries are great places to have time to be quiet, they are very peaceful!

A bit of history.  In 1978, before meeting my husband, I came to Indian Trail, NC to visit with my Aunt and Uncle.  They lived in a house directly across the street from a cemetery, Forest Lawn East.   At the end of that visit, I said to them, if I ever moved, I wanted to move to Charlotte, NC.   I met my husband in 1981, we married in 1982 and in 1989, and we came down to Charlotte, NC to attend the memorial service for our nephew who had passed away having battled leukemia.  From 1988 – 1991, the phone calls between Southampton, PA and Charlotte, were pretty staggering.  (I don’t do restraint well, meaning if I needed to make a call, I made the call, time be damned – a nonissue today!)  In 1991, my husband lost his job and wound up in real estate.  I think he sold 2 homes, one being ours!  We wound up moving to Matthews, NC, a town in between Charlotte and Indian Trail.  The cemetery I mentioned earlier, is where Nancy and her son, Rick are buried!  And just for the record, Nancy and her family didn’t move to the Charlotte area until the mid 80’s. 

Another segment of the puzzle was that I had seen the movie “Beaches’ with Barbara Hershey and Bette Midler.  It is the story of 2 friends, very different in nature, but friends nonetheless.  To cut to the chase, the one friend develops cancer and the other friend becomes her caregiver and ultimately winds up taking care of the friend’s child after she passes away.  Ok, so I like sappy chick flicks!  After watching this I knew that 1)I wanted to be able to be that type of friend and 2)I related to the caregiver role.

Which brings me to my point, a point, many of us miss because we don’t have the opportunity to be “still” and listen.  The point was, that a seed was planted (my desire to move here and my desire to be that type of friend/caregiver) and my focus wasn’t on me (the seed was being nurtured by being the friend) and when the timing was right, the fruit was ripened and ready for the picking.  (We moved, I was blessed to be the caregiver)   The confounding part of this whole thing is trying to differentiate if or what seed is being planted.  Many times you don’t have a clue why things happen as they do, I certainly didn’t foresee this happening.

In this crazy mixed up world, it is sometimes difficult to separate our wants from our needs.  I really don’t want to be insulting anyone with my simplistic views, but will say that the simple views seem to be the ones that aren’t so bogged down with stipulations.  Take a moment and think, what is in your heart?  For me, right now, it is the desire to work in hospice.  This desire has been in my heart since 1989, but it was only just late last year that I did anything about it.  I finally went to school and got my CNA license.  Ok, so the seed is planted and nurtured, now I’m waiting for the fruit to ripen. 

Do you see a pattern?  I’ve only just begun to recognize it.  I also must state that the seed planted shouldn’t be about “personal gain.”  If that is the purpose, you might achieve it and lose it or never achieve it.  God sometimes lets you hone your skills in other professions before He requests your presence.  Look at Matthew, the tax collector.  He was a keenly observant man, a “cheating” tax collector, a man detested by the people.  Yet, Jesus saw his value and said come, follow me and his life was never the same after that moment.

Another point, after spending a year reading the Bible, I developed an interest in getting to know more, it was/is a wonderful period of discovery and I feel very fortunate to have this opportunity.  In the beginning of my journey through the Bible, I needed constant clarification, to me, it was like reading a book in a foreign language.  I use to be afraid of this book, I was afraid of what others might think of me for becoming one of “them.”  Know what, I’m no longer afraid AND I want to share this with as many people as possible.  This was how I became “found!”  Being found doesn’t mean my life will always be trouble free, but it does mean that I know that without a shadow of a doubt, that I’m not alone, lost in a maze.  I’ve been found and now only need to pray for guidance and it will be shown to me at the designated time (His, not mine).  I learned that when you reach the end of yourself, and can do no more, that’s when God can step in and do plenty.  If I had only realized that I needed to relinquish my control sooner!!!

Looking up! ~ Barb

Lost?

Have you ever felt lost?  I mean, doesn’t it feel like you are in a darkened maze and you are not able to see your way out?  You extend your arm and feel with your hand and everything feels the same?  We were on a cruise a couple of years ago.  If you’ve been on a cruise, you might realize that the light for the bathroom is outside the door, rather than in the bathroom.  I have no idea why they design it this way.  Anyway, my husband and I were cruising with our two kids.  The way the room is laid out, the kids’ beds were closest to the bathroom and then there was our bed.  My husband gets up a couple of times a night to go to the bathroom.   Being kind, he opens the bathroom door and walks in, without turning on the light, so as not to awaken anyone.  Bathrooms are not huge in these cabins, and this one had a railing built all the way around the inside of it.  After taking care of business, he proceeds to try to leave the room, except he’s disoriented, not remembering exactly where the door is and the fact that this railing is the same shape as the towel bars isn’t helping.  He perserveres for a bit, and then he starts pounding on the walls, to wake someone up to get him out of there.  Of course I’m laughing, and I have to crawl over the kids’ beds, so I’m not getting there fast enough.  Somehow, the kids didn’t wake up?!

Being lost or disoriented in life is scary.  You wish for the comfort of familiar surroundings and what seemed fine yesterday can look so different today.  My Mom suffers from dementia.  I can’t imagine what that feels like.  Things she use to do, like cooking, driving etc. are foreign to her now.  These everyday tasks we take for granted only promote confusion or anger or sometimes both for everyone involved.   Can you imagine the frustration of trying to make a point and not being able to make your words line up?  Talk about a maze!!  Unfortunately there isn’t a way to pound on any walls to release her from her maze. 

Many of us are lost; we just don’t recognize it, especially if we are comparing it to the two examples above.  I don’t know about you, but I’ll admit I need a “Life GPS.”   And just so you know, there is a “Life GPS” out there, for me it is Jesus.   I don’t mean to make that the simplistic answer but I will say that I don’t believe it was God’s intent for us to walk around dazed and confused.  The thing is we have to recognize where the problem is first.  For me the problem is getting the directions from the “GPS.” Initially one has to put in the starting point and then the ending address.  In this journey of life, the address I need to put in is where I am right now.  Not too pretty a place, right at the moment, but I know with certainty that where I’m going is indescribable, I just need to know how to get there.  Do I want the shortest route; no I think I’ll pass on that one, which then means I’m opting for the scenic route.  Since I’ve chosen that route, then I guess I’ll have to go through some mazes, which are of my own doing unfortunately, and trust that when my soul feels the most lost, is when I’m being carried by God.  When I look back on the many paths I’ve followed to date, I realize that wanting my way is equivalent to listening to the “GPS person” who has to keep re-navigating for the wrong turns I’ve made and keep making.   I’m glad my “Life GPS” isn’t easily frustrated, I’ve would have given up on me a long time ago!! 

GPS = God Positioning System

Looking up! ~ Barb

The Hard Thing

Was reading this morning, which is an everyday experience for me and heard something I didn't want to hear. Hey I'm at least honest about it.  What was said was, "that there is unparalleled joy and victory when we allow Christ to do the "hard thing" with us."  So, what's the hard thing?

I don't know about you, but for me, the hard thing seems to be forgiveness.  And this was brought right to my doorstep earlier this week.  Why is this so seemingly difficult?  I will use the excuse that my feelings were hurt by the things that were said and how they were said.  I'm right after all......aren't I?  No?  Really? but....

As I continued on in the reading, it said "how forgiveness isn't for the person who wronged you, it is for you the one seemingly wronged."  Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what transpired, but that you release that video loop of the event running over and over in your brain, letting it go to God, not just to the abyss.  It means that you recuse yourself from playing judge and jury and leave it in God's capable hands to handle it in the manner He sees fit and WHEN he sees fit to do so.  Remember this was entitled the "Hard Thing"....

Throughout our lives we will encounter circumstances that just aren't "right", by "our" standards.  The question may be asked, who are we to set the standards?  I read in the book "The Shack" this telling thought about judging.  Paraphrasing here.... A father is in a cave and talking to "a spirit".  The "spirit" says to him, "you have 4 children, pick 2 of them to go with you to heaven."  This implies that the other 2 don't get to go to heaven.  The father, thinks and realizes, that he can't just pick just 2 of his kids, even if they had not been ideal kids all of the time, he wouldn't be able to pick which offense was the clincher for being relegated to hell.  His response back to the "spirit" was "I can't." The "spirit" says, "you must, now choose!"  The end of the chapter goes on to say that the father says to the spirit "take all my children to heaven and I will pay the price."  I love the symbolism of this book....  Isn't this exactly what God did for us, by sending Jesus?!  That was a "hard thing".

So, once again, I am encountering in life, lessons I still need to learn and these lessons will be repeated until I learn them and can move on to newer lessons.  Geez!  The last thing I read today was "that many people are headed for destruction, not out of stubbornness but out of thoughtlessness.  Part of our responsibility as believers is to help others stop and think where their lives are headed."  I do not stand in judgement of anyone here, I'm only trying to live out loud.  I am not without my faults, I already stated that in the beginning of this post, but I want to experience that unparalleled victory and joy that is promised! If I can help anyone else see this, well, I just would welcome the company!  :)

Looking up!  ~ Barb

Unmasked

Any good artist wishes to capture emotion, their own but also yours.  They want to relate. The medium used may vary as can the emotions they try to elicit. Ever hear “A picture is worth a thousand words”, how about a melody or song that can stir up deep feelings we might not have even realized we had.  Realtors even suggest you bake a batch of brownies when trying to sell your home, because the aroma is so enticing, it conjures up the idea of happiness in the home.  Emotions are real and part of our natural being and we seem to be distancing ourselves from them.  Some watch movies in the privacy of their homes to see actors portray feelings that are too messy to share with others, just so they can have a release.   Others can’t watch a movie or read a book that is too sad, because it is too difficult to “feel.”   We’ve seemed to have put on masks.

Today I’d like us to try to recapture the childlike trusting images of our days gone by.  To help us remember when we had the ability to be who we were, before we got caught up in life’s rules and regulations.  Before we started trying to be perfect.  Life just keeps throwing out curve balls and we aren’t sure if we should be trying to catch them or duck away from them!  We push through our days, and push back any emotions we don’t have time to deal with and thus put on masks.  We show the world a perfect veneer, while hiding the ugly scars of survival.  Where and when do we allow ourselves to surface?  Who can we trust with the real us?

A few years ago, my best friend (who just happened to be my husband’s sister) died of pancreatic cancer.  Although I knew her for 25 years, it was the last few months of her life, that I REALLY got to know her.  Know why?  Because we finally took off our masks and exposed the naturalness of whom we were.  We shared emotions, normally bottled up and kept out of sight because they weren’t pretty or were too hard to deal with.  We laughed, we cried, we acted goofy (not too hard for me and a story for another time), basically we shared our hearts and we finally said I love you, something that was always assumed but never spoken.  In the end, we both realized how much we had missed out on.  

At one point later in her illness, she sent me a card (we were both card fiends).  On the front of the card there was a table and two non matching chairs.  The table had flowers on it as well as two coffee mugs.  Inside the blank card, she wrote, let’s find a place like this or create one of our own and meet there regularly!  She passed away before we ever did this.  I have two rocking chairs out on my deck and sometimes in the morning, when it is nice out, I grab my morning coffee and go out and sit and savor the stillness of the morning.  I think about God, and life and her.  I no longer feel the need to try to be perfect.  I’ve thrown away my mask.  I just want to be and I want others to know, that it is OK for them just to “be” as well.  Try it.  Grab a friend and your coffee, don't wait.  You will be glad you did!

Looking up! ~ Barb

Dog spelled backwards is....

Why is dog, God spelled backwards?  Is it because for the most part they are loving, kind, loyal and true?  Is it because they don't demand their way (unless of course they have to go out and you don't let them and then they poop on your living room rug -yeah that just happened last week!)  Why can they look at you with those puppy dog eyes and just make you melt every time?  What should we be learning from our dogs?  No matter what the circumstances are, they greet us with their wagging tails of happiness, just for being there!  They are encouragement in fur-covered bodies with electrical outlet shaped noses - never noticed, go look!  Are they shaped that way as the idea that we need to plug ourselves in?  As I gaze into my dogs' eyes, I feel as if they can look into my soul and it is as if God is saying trust me!   I don't mean any disrepect to God, I believe it is just another way of Him being able and willing to reach us at our level, whatever that level may be. If I take one day at a time, then just for today, I can be as trusting as these wonderful creatures given a name that spells God backwards!  Right now, I believe I'm being asked to play ball, as one of my goldens just picked up 2 balls in her mouth and pushed my arm away from my computer, she even brought a ball for her sister!  Thoughtful too! :)

Looking up!

For the past couple of months, I have been sending emails to friends and family in regards to my thoughts.  I don't think that my thoughts are anything special, but I have repeatedly had it suggested to me, that I should consider blogging.  This is my first attempt, and actually part of a copy of an email I sent out this morning.  I am not a professional writer, just a student of life, trying to connect with others.  I am a Christian who believes that the relationship with Jesus Christ is the most integral part my life.  And so I begin:

Quote from Dwight L. Moody – “Of 100 men, 1 will read the Bible, 99 will read the Christian”

 No, the Christian is not a newspaper or a magazine, the Christian is the person someone professes to be, who wants to walk the walk of Christ.    Does the example you exemplify make it easy or difficult for someone to decide to embark on the journey with Christ with you?   I am not worthy of anyone “reading” me.  I am however a work in progress. I have numerous faults, too many to count!  But, and I say this with conviction, I want to walk in humility and need my actions to line up with my words and they are not doing so!  This is not only NOT easy, without God’s Grace it is virtually impossible.  Each week as I try to move forward, I unearth something “ugly” that seems to set me back.  But in the end, my belief is that there is a valuable nugget of God's design hidden beneath the many layers I have taken years to apply to cover over it. I am determined in my will to persist in my attempts of peeling back those layers.   Leslie Nease wrote not too long ago in her blog, "Real Life with Leslie Nease" entitled "Brokeness"  about feeling like you’ve reached the bottom, only to find that the bottom was  a false bottom and it gives away again.  I’ve broken through to a new level, but I absolutely KNOW, that through God, I will be made new.  My hope is that it is sooner than later, but God’s timing is ALWAYS perfect.  What I definitely do realize is although the journey may take me through a period of darkness, I am never alone in that darkness.

Looking up!  Barb