Turtle head

Ok, this is a typical conversation that goes on in my brain….

What’s it like to know that you are different? Different? From what? You know from others. How? I don’t quite know how to explain it. Well, how do you know you are different, how do you know that they aren’t feeling the same things you are feeling? How would I know, no one shares his or her feelings. Well, that’s how I’m different, I do.
People seem to have all sorts of boundaries and at times they can seem almost rigid in them. I’m not saying I’m "right" but my boundaries are loosely held. If I use family gatherings as an example, you know for holidays, but really for any gathering we might have, our door is open (ok, maybe there is a bit of a boundary, I do have to know you!) I know that families have traditions and those are nice, but we are ever evolving and families shrink and grow all the time. Is setting another place at the table a hardship? Or are people just afraid of change, and try to hold onto what they have?

Then there are the boundaries on feelings. I have blogged about this so much, I can’t find a new twist, but the reason I keep doing so, is that I see people so bottled up, they are like a carbonated drink that has been shaken and the can top is bubbled waiting for the release (explosion). I have experienced a likeness of mind, but in glimpses, as if we are turtles afraid to stick our necks out for long, preferring the confines of our shells rather than the exposure of the warm sun on our necks.

Sharing feelings is risking vulnerability and God-forbid we ever present as a person of need because strength is the epitome of essence. Really? I see it otherwise. I relate to people, who can share their vulnerabilities with me, because I KNOW I’m far from perfect and when someone else relays their insecurities I don’t feel so alone in mine. That does NOT mean, I sit in judgment of theirs, thinking that they are worse off than I am, which is what I think many people are afraid of.

Vulnerability means that we don’t always have it all together and that we are ok with having things be a mess, for whatever the time frame the mess is. To me, it is the definition of true, deep friendships. "Exploring the soul of another person means being willing to face the unknown of what might lie underneath their smiling face" a quote from Stephen W. Smith – The Lazarus Life. He goes on to say courage in French means "heart." "Having courage means having the heart to enter another person’s heart, resisting the temptation to fix what you see or give advice. Good probing questions help each other become more aware of one’s self and God." Isn’t that the solution? Recognizing the problem, so we can take the steps necessary to solve it? It doesn’t matter how many times someone else points out "our" problem, until we unwrap it, we can’t do anything about it! Having a good sounding board makes all the difference in the world. It is key though that the sounding board NOT sit in judgment or dispense advice!

That last quote sums up "my" different. I am beyond blessed when I encounter people who don’t try to change me, but instead listen and ask me how I am feeling, to want to help me untie the ties that bind me and hamper me from achieving my potential. Hopefully this is what I try to do for others as well, but it all begins with an openness or willingness to explore parts of yourself that you have kept hidden. Is it easy….gosh no. In fact, I just spoke with someone who is quickly becoming the true friend I speak about, and I said that in trying to sort through the things that I’ve buried, I found every conceivable distraction to keep me from doing what I had purposely set out to do. Why, because it is hard, and can/could be uncomfortable. Unfortunately it is still necessary, because I’m stuck.

Stuck, yes, stuck. I’m disillusioned that life isn’t necessarily the life I envisioned. It has nothing to do with my marriage or my family, but more that I envisioned a cadence that seems to elude me. I’ve lived to please people, to be well thought of and based my worth on their opinions. And I’ve come to a point where now, I feel empty. So, what now?! This is what needs to be explored. And please don’t trivialize it calling it a mid-life crisis…..if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in everyone else’s opinion, this might have occurred when I was 20! And no one is to blame for that but me!

Well, I hadn’t blogged in awhile and now you can see why, my vulnerabilities seem to be showing! I present as strong, but have been misread as invincible, and that really isn’t my problem. What I’ve recently found that in stating my vulnerabilities, someone equated it to being a victim, wow, my turtle’s head snapped back into the shell on that one! In hearing that, a lesson was learned and whether or not it was the lesson intended, I am not one who needs to be taught that one twice. What say you? Where’s your turtle head? Catchy name for an opening line huh? But I can’t "look up" if I’m not exposed!

Looking up!
Barb

Cha, cha, cha, changes

Have you ever gotten quiet with yourself? I mean real quiet, no radio or tv, no cell phone or Ipad. What do you hear? Today I’m home a bit earlier than expected and I’ve wanted to write something about the need for solitude. Here goes….
I recently read about an ailment called soul-sickness and found it’s meaning so apropos, that I can’t help but share it. Soul-sickness comes in a variety of forms and the one I want to speak about is busyness. Recently my days have been consumed with things other than what I wish for them to be. Partly it is my job and it is necessary, but other times I feel compelled to move to the beat of someone else’s drum and in doing so, I find not only am I exhausted, but I’m also feeling depressed. Joy is absent and those who know me best know what I am talking about.

You know when you have a cold and you ache and you are tired and you feel foggy. Well that describes me, although I’m not ill. I said to a friend the other day, I don’t want to "do" anything, I just want to "be." Which translated means if there is an agenda involved (specifics of times and places) I’d rather pass. I feel too busy. For some busyness assures them of their identity, they’ve got places to go, people to see and things that must get done. They get satisfaction from checking things off their things to do list and feel accomplished. I use to feel this way, I was a "do-er". But all the doing left me unsatisfied and empty. I not only didn’t feel important (not that that is important to me), I felt disillusioned. Have you ever felt – "Is this all there is?"

I have often blogged about being real and I thought I was. I thought I was on the road to transformation until I read this passage in the book The Lazarus Life. "Many of us in the West mistakenly believe that transformation happens when we get more information and get all the facts straight. Many of the programs developed for Christians today are based on that FALSE assumption. More teaching, more seminars and more notebooks do NOT result in a transformed life…The tombs of life teach us that information alone does not lead to a transformed life. Neither does trying harder or wallowing in shame and blame because of all of our failed attempts. Spiritual transformation requires a gut-level honesty about our fears, disappointments, disillusionments and failures. We are transformed when we allow God to do what information fails to do. We are transformed when we look at our lives and become aware of our real condition- no matter how bad it is, and face the truth about it."

What I have found out about myself is that by scheduling myself so much with what I thought were quality endeavors, I have drowned out the voice of God. I am not hearing Him and should I hear Him, I know I would be too tired to react. Cutting back should be easy, emphasis should. When the activities you are doing though are with someone else who isn’t necessarily on the same page as you (maybe not even in the same book!), feelings are apt to be hurt.

Do you know who Lazarus is (in the Bible)? He’s the friend whom Jesus loved, the brother of Mary and Martha and he’s the one who died and Jesus brought him back from the dead. Well, in the book The Lazarus Life the significance of the story is that Jesus "lingered" to the point of it being too late and Lazarus dies and is in his tomb. I am only a quarter of the way through this fascinating book full of symbolism. Stephen W. Smith, the author, equates the Lazarus’ tomb as our areas of darkness where we neither know if we are coming or going. "Without the darkness of the tomb, we still walk in our own light and attempt to live what we think is life." When he described his own life, Smith talked about the sin of busyness which assured him (and me) of his identity (me too) and assuaged his need to be loved. His busyness gave him the feeling of significance. As an extrovert he was afraid of solitude and suspicious of silence. Yet it was in silence that he began to find his true self and he discovered a heart embedded in him that had gotten lost along the way. Ok, not sure if I should quote that or just say I paraphrased a bunch of it…..we will go with the latter. No matter, wow did that all resonate with me!! I bought a green highlighter and I’m finding that there is more of this book being highlighted than left untouched! This writer, who happens to be the brother-in-law of a good friend, leaves me speechless in that he is writing almost to the "t" what it is I’m feeling. Talk about resonating!

For over a year I have been doing Bible studies with a friend and it is only just recently where I feel the message is not sinking in. It isn’t that I’m not interested in reading more and discussing it, although I’m beginning to think, at least for me, there this is an element of pride becoming attached with any dazzling commentary I might make and this is precisely what brought me up short. I’m only giving lip service not doing the application parts. I’m becoming booksmart, but not transformed.

Getting back to "being" not doing – repeatedly it has been stated that our efforts will not get us into heaven and yet we keep busting our butts in an effort to try to please God. What does it mean though if all of our efforts to do good works are conjoined with minds holding grudges or resentments? Over and over and over again, I read that we are to love one another. Loving others is NOT conditional based on their performance or how I feel and yet many of us rationalize our behaviors in this particular manner.

Are we able to forgive and let it go? Or do we only give this lip-service until the next time our noses get out of joint? I don’t want to be that person who won’t allow for people to change, especially if I see them really working on changing! Labels and judging are two attributes I am trying very hard to rid myself of and I don’t want to be associated with those who don’t understand that. I once heard that anyone who has a problem with you in regard to your Christianity is just not liking the Jesus they see in you. Well, the same thing can be said for those who want to hold you in their time warped opinion. It is their problem, not yours. Only those who seek, but more importantly allow themselves, will be transformed.
In quiet moments, I sense God’s nearness. In helping a friend the other day, I experienced true moments of joy in honesty. Yesterday, I sat with a dying woman, holding her hand, talking with her and her daughter. Although she wasn’t lucid most of the time, every so often her sight would clear and she’d look at me in such a way that I was sure I was seeing God’s presence. Both those times I was in the mode of being not doing and I was blessed. There is an unmitigated joy that transcends all understanding when you are in His Presence and once experienced, you never want to travel far from it. I am fortunate to have watched miracles take place because of love and the only way to get a ringside seat is to allow yourself to face the tombs of darkness in your life and be transformed by them.
Get a copy of The Lazarus Life – spiritual transformation for ordinary people by Stephen W. Smith. He makes ordinary, seem extraordinary!
Looking up!
Barb

Making the most of Transformation

Happy New Year!

Today we are a clean slate, a fresh page on which to doodle. As with the onset of each New Year, many of us make promises, called resolutions, to ourselves about the way we’d like to "live" this year. In essence, yesterday was our performance review and today we at least attempt in our pursuit to "do" or live better lives.  This sometimes calls for a transformation to take place.

What is a transformation? Transformation is a change, actually according to the Thesaurus; it is a major change! When I look at my life in review, I am able to understand the nuance of the emphasis in the degree of change! If we keep approaching life from the same standpoint we've been stuck in, why are we surprised when the outcome stays the same?! See why major isn’t such a minor detail?! Ha!

I have friends who, like I, are in the process of making some major changes in their lives and taking those steps are not necessarily easy. There is the factor of fear of the unknown that lies just around the corner and like a game of chess, the wrong move could land you in checkmate. Sometimes the moves we make we think are the ones "God" wants us to make, when in reality, had we not listened to the unmitigating fear that lies just beneath the surface, we might have seen otherwise. We think, we pray, we research and we hope we are making the right moves, but and that niggling word but, should always throw the red flag for us, not every opportunity presented is the right opportunity for us. But, we say, we thought it was God directed…here is what I’m learning, this is the transformation lesson.

God is not concerned with our comfort, meaning our freedom from financial worries. The more credence we place in our self-sufficiency, the more likely we are headed in the wrong direction. Sigh. If we are trusting in OUR own power to provide, then we can’t be trusting in HIS power to provide for us.
Transformation (according to my new favorite author – Stephen W. Smith) does not come from earning love. It comes from being loved. Once again I am astounded at the simplicity of the verb tense and it is the exact reason so many of us miss it…we aren’t supposed to be "doing" we are supposed to "be." When we find ourselves in the "doing" stage, we are acting in a self-reliant manner. We can’t "earn" our way into heaven, we don’t get there by performance because nothing will ever be enough and yet we persist in trying, when all we really need to do is believe. Hmmm, and the first two letters in believe are "be"!

In the notes in the "be"ginning of chapter 2 in his book "The Lazarus Life", Smith writes that sometimes Jesus doesn’t show up when we need Him most, and Smith profoundly points out that while you and I see today, God sees eternity. So while we are muddling things up, God is trying to untangle the myriad of problems we have created en masse. Waiting on Him is part of the process and we will sometimes have to work through the disillusionments in our lives while we wait.

How do we hear God, a friend recently asked me. I don’t know that I have the answer for that one, but I might say that God will not entice you to do something that will lead you on a path of not depending on Him. He will not move you to self sufficiency, said another way. God wants us relational to Him first.
My husband and I use to watch Suze Orman on Saturday nights. At the end of her show, she’d stress the importance of people first, then money, then things. I have no idea about her faith, but I’d add that God would want to be number one, then people, then the rest of it.

This past year as been financially difficult in our household. Business has been almost non-existent, we had one wedding and this year we have another. I’ve taken on a "contract" job that enables us to meet our financial needs (not wants), but through this process a major transformation is taking place. This blog was created a year ago out of my desire to share the insights I feel I am being blessed with. Has it been easy, no. Have we survived, yes. Would I desire to be better off financially, heck yes! But the best gift I’ve been given through this is the gift of God Himself, who has met me sometimes in the depths of despair and raised me to heights I’ve never seen before.

God has allowed my heart to be broken (and at my request, mind you) to the ongoings of life around me, but He didn’t leave me there, He put me in His game plan and allowed me to participate with Him working through me. And while those whom I’ve helped may or may not be aware, they have in turned been the biggest blessings in my life. And yet another quote, "It is good to be strong and able to bless others, but it is also necessary to learn the value of being vulnerable enough to let others be strong for you and let others bless you. In doing so, it is also a blessing to them." – Heaven is for Real

Faith is living life in process, which means you are not quite all that God has in store for you, but you are on your way. Because we are human we will always have doubts about our current status, but as a Christian, (having a relationship with Christ) means that I’m willing to wait on His timetable for answers to the questions I may not even know to ask yet.

I will end with this. If you are like me (sorry!)….sometimes we have difficulty asking for the things we need the most. What I am finding out is that people need to know that they are not alone in what it is they are going through. God wants us to be relational and being relational means we interact with Him and others. Anything, and I do mean anything, that stands in your way of "being" and by the way you can’t "do" relational, is not the way of God. Spend time with God, spend time with others. Because of the economy, many of us were forced to tone down our holidays. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I will once again state, that the best present I can ever receive is one of presence.  Last year proved bountiful!

Looking up!
Barb