“Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.” [1] Hmmm. What are we holding on to, good or bad that we can’t seem to let go of? This can be an ideal established a long time ago, or a recent inaccurate description of ourselves that loops around our brains telling us we aren’t worthy! We can even be holding on to relationships with others that no longer fulfill either of our needs. What about our kids? Do we allow them the ability to forge ahead in life, making their own mistakes and suffering the consequences of them?
I have a difficult time saying good bye. I dislike endings and will hold onto some things and relationships years after they are over, sometimes even re-visiting them. I’m not sure why I do this, maybe I’m thinking that the years in between might have somehow changed whatever the circumstances were that made the relationship not work out in the first place. I’ve been known to re-read a book, now I know the ending isn’t going to change, isn’t that the same thing?!
In regard to our kids, I’m not suggesting we terminate our relationship with them, but I believe we have to allow that relationship to grow to a new level, especially as they grow and mature. By holding them in our grip so tightly that they feel they must still succumb to our every command is only to invite animosity from them. Years ago, I read the book, “The Prophet” by Kahil Gibran. I’m paraphrasing here, but he said “Your children are not your children; they come through you but not from you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.” I feel that all my relationships including my children are gifts given to me, from God.
I learned a lesson, fairly early in motherhood. As I mentioned before, my nephew, Rick passed away in 1989 at the age of 20 from leukemia. I watched how nothing medical science tried, could save this young man’s life. I remember Nancy saying it took her 9 months to have him and 9 months to lose him. No amount of their trying to hang on, kept death from their doorstep. Shortly after Rick passed away, I dedicated my children to God. I remember saying that I realized that they were His children, and am blessed that He saw fit to loan them to me. I have not had the experience, nor do I want the experience of losing one of my children and please understand I am not minimizing the pain involved with losing a child!
I hold my kids, my husband, my parents, my sisters/brothers and my closest friends near and dear to my heart, but I hold them loosely. Yes, I do have expectations, but I am also aware that we humans are imperfect. My expectations are not unrealistic expectations, ones whereby I believe anyone can meet each and every need I have, nor can I meet all of theirs, but I do expect to be treated in a loving manner. I expect honesty and want to be able to trust. Relationships in my view are verbs implying actions, not nouns that are descriptions and inanimate.
When Nancy was sick, I had a conversation with God. I was asleep, when this occurred. I remember Him saying to me, “Barb, you have a choice. You can help with Nancy’s care, or choose not to, but, should you choose, you must be willing to let go when its time.” I was crying my eyes out, and I said no, I couldn’t do it, I didn’t know what to do, how to do it and I wasn’t going to be able to let go. I was sobbing and Bruce never woke up! In about 2 minutes time, my no, turned into an emphatic yes and everything I needed was provided for. Yes, eventually I did have to let go, and it wasn’t easy, nor is it still, but the experience was one of the most significantly beautiful experiences in my life! I shared this same story when I gave her eulogy (something I never thought I’d do, as public speaking is NOT in my comfort zone). In fact my opening line was, look what you have me doing now! Oh to be sure, God had to pry my hands open!
Picture your hand tightly gripping something or in anger. Look at it, it is in a fist. How can you possibly receive anything if your hand is in a fist? By releasing “whatever”, you are also opening your hand to the possibilities! Could you be only holding on to something because of the fear of the unknown? I can only say that for me, when I let go and opened myself (hand and life) to God, EVERYTHING I needed was provided and still is.
Looking up!~ Barb
Dammit, Barb! I feel as if this post was written for me....how odd that the crisis in my life has coincided with your new blog writings! How comforting that God is reminding me of all the things I need to hear through a friend's words!!! Thank you
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