Found!

 Yesterday I was lost and trying to put in the coordinates in my GPS, but left you hanging as to if or how to be found.  I wasn’t trying to be coy.  I dislike it when you are seeking an answer and people give you some pat response about living your life in such a way and then “kazaam” your life magically and dramatically changes and you live happily ever after.  Right?  Yeah, not quite.

I have used the trial and error method most of my life, and I haven’t always been happy with the results.  The last four years, I’ve tried a different route, I pulled out the Bible.  After Nancy died, I spent a year, graveside, and read the entire New Testament, one chapter a day, every day.  I know to some of you that might make me seem certifiable, all I can say is it was a way of me working through the grieving process.  At the end of that year, I felt a peace I had never felt before and I also felt that my daily visits were no longer necessary, after all, she isn’t there, she’s a stored treasure in heaven.  By the way, cemeteries are great places to have time to be quiet, they are very peaceful!

A bit of history.  In 1978, before meeting my husband, I came to Indian Trail, NC to visit with my Aunt and Uncle.  They lived in a house directly across the street from a cemetery, Forest Lawn East.   At the end of that visit, I said to them, if I ever moved, I wanted to move to Charlotte, NC.   I met my husband in 1981, we married in 1982 and in 1989, and we came down to Charlotte, NC to attend the memorial service for our nephew who had passed away having battled leukemia.  From 1988 – 1991, the phone calls between Southampton, PA and Charlotte, were pretty staggering.  (I don’t do restraint well, meaning if I needed to make a call, I made the call, time be damned – a nonissue today!)  In 1991, my husband lost his job and wound up in real estate.  I think he sold 2 homes, one being ours!  We wound up moving to Matthews, NC, a town in between Charlotte and Indian Trail.  The cemetery I mentioned earlier, is where Nancy and her son, Rick are buried!  And just for the record, Nancy and her family didn’t move to the Charlotte area until the mid 80’s. 

Another segment of the puzzle was that I had seen the movie “Beaches’ with Barbara Hershey and Bette Midler.  It is the story of 2 friends, very different in nature, but friends nonetheless.  To cut to the chase, the one friend develops cancer and the other friend becomes her caregiver and ultimately winds up taking care of the friend’s child after she passes away.  Ok, so I like sappy chick flicks!  After watching this I knew that 1)I wanted to be able to be that type of friend and 2)I related to the caregiver role.

Which brings me to my point, a point, many of us miss because we don’t have the opportunity to be “still” and listen.  The point was, that a seed was planted (my desire to move here and my desire to be that type of friend/caregiver) and my focus wasn’t on me (the seed was being nurtured by being the friend) and when the timing was right, the fruit was ripened and ready for the picking.  (We moved, I was blessed to be the caregiver)   The confounding part of this whole thing is trying to differentiate if or what seed is being planted.  Many times you don’t have a clue why things happen as they do, I certainly didn’t foresee this happening.

In this crazy mixed up world, it is sometimes difficult to separate our wants from our needs.  I really don’t want to be insulting anyone with my simplistic views, but will say that the simple views seem to be the ones that aren’t so bogged down with stipulations.  Take a moment and think, what is in your heart?  For me, right now, it is the desire to work in hospice.  This desire has been in my heart since 1989, but it was only just late last year that I did anything about it.  I finally went to school and got my CNA license.  Ok, so the seed is planted and nurtured, now I’m waiting for the fruit to ripen. 

Do you see a pattern?  I’ve only just begun to recognize it.  I also must state that the seed planted shouldn’t be about “personal gain.”  If that is the purpose, you might achieve it and lose it or never achieve it.  God sometimes lets you hone your skills in other professions before He requests your presence.  Look at Matthew, the tax collector.  He was a keenly observant man, a “cheating” tax collector, a man detested by the people.  Yet, Jesus saw his value and said come, follow me and his life was never the same after that moment.

Another point, after spending a year reading the Bible, I developed an interest in getting to know more, it was/is a wonderful period of discovery and I feel very fortunate to have this opportunity.  In the beginning of my journey through the Bible, I needed constant clarification, to me, it was like reading a book in a foreign language.  I use to be afraid of this book, I was afraid of what others might think of me for becoming one of “them.”  Know what, I’m no longer afraid AND I want to share this with as many people as possible.  This was how I became “found!”  Being found doesn’t mean my life will always be trouble free, but it does mean that I know that without a shadow of a doubt, that I’m not alone, lost in a maze.  I’ve been found and now only need to pray for guidance and it will be shown to me at the designated time (His, not mine).  I learned that when you reach the end of yourself, and can do no more, that’s when God can step in and do plenty.  If I had only realized that I needed to relinquish my control sooner!!!

Looking up! ~ Barb