Do-over?

Let me open by saying that I do not want to be considered wise in my own eyes, I am blessed to have a God who by His Grace has given me a heart that is tender for others and if by sharing my stories, I can help someone feel less alone on their journey, well I will just be grateful for the company.  

I am one of 4 in my family, I have 3 wonderful sisters.  Anyway as one of the middle sisters, I neither set the stage nor closed the curtain on my parents' reign.  My parents seemed older than those of most of my friends, probably because they were.  I can think of 2 friends parents who were 12-15 years younger than mine!  That said, I think that that was why we were raised in a no nonense style.  My parents didn't become my "friends" until they were finally done having to "finance" me.  But now, they are included in my circle of "best friends!"

That said, I was pretty much a "goodie two shoes" growing up.  I think I had that sensitive "soul" thing going on way back then and believe me it wasn't cool!  Added to that, I was and still am shy!  The people who know me now, are scratching their heads and saying what? No way!  Yes way!  I get so darn tongue-tied when I meet new people, I feel like I'm playing 20 questions.  I still can't do "small talk".  I was blessed with some athletic ability and was able to use that to cover up my insecurities through my school years.  As part of a team, it allowed me to fit in somewhere.  What goes on inside, doesn't necessarily show up on the outside!!

Anyway on looking back on those years, I want to clarify something.  I never felt as cool as I might have acted and I know that I may have hurt a lot of people in how I portrayed myself with others.  I wish I could have a do-over.  You see, when we are competing for whatever (a guy, a grade, a position on a team) we have the tendency to cut someone else down to make ourselves look better.  Some still do this today and the cost is still not registering.  It wasn't right then and still isn't right today.  Unfortunately in our growing up years, we aren't necessarily aware of others feelings and the following poem written by a high school senior made all the things I couldn't understand become more acceptable to me.  My hope in sharing this is - that you will not feel the same after reading this! 


He always wanted to explain things
But noone cared
So he drew
Sometimes he would draw and it wasn't anything
He wanted to carve it in stone
Or write it in the sky
He would lie out on the grass
And look up at the sky
And it would be only the sky and him that needed saying
And it was after that
He drew the picture
It was a beautiful picture
He kept it under his pillow
And would let no one see it
And he would look at it every night
And think about it
And when it was dark
And his eyes were closed
He could still see it
And it was all of him
And he loved it
When he started school he brought it with him
Not to show anyone but just to have it with him
Like a friend
It was funny about school
He sat in a square brown desk
Like all the other square brown desks
And he thought it should be red
And his room was a square brown room
Like all the other rooms
And it was tight and close
And stiff
He hated to hold the pencil and chalk
With his arms stiff and his feet flat on the floor
Stiff
With the teacher watching
And watching
The teacher came and smiled at him
She told him to wear a tie
Like all the other boys
He said he didn't like them
And she said it didn't matter
After that they drew
And he drew all yellow
And it was the way he felt about morning
And it was beautiful
The teacher came and smiled at him
"What's this?" she said
"Why don't you draw something like Ken's drawing?"
"Isn't that beautiful?"
After that his mother bought him a tie
And he always drew airplanes and rocket ships
Like everyone else
And he threw the old picture away
And when he lay out alone and looked out at the sky
It was big and blue and all of everything
But he wasn't anymore
He was square inside and brown
And his hands were stiff
And he was like everyone else
And the things inside him that needed saying
Didn't need it anymore
It had stopped pushing
It was crushed
Stiff
Like everything else.

Two weeks after submitting this, the young man who wrote it committed suicide.

Embrace your differences and those of others.  Find YOUR niche and make it special.  Invite others to find their niches and to include you.  It is ok to be different!  If you want to know about the history of the poem - google "May your sky always be yellow"

Looking up~ Barb