"Malibu" Barb(ie)

Growing up we used baby oil with a tinge of iodine and laid out on the patio roof, thinking by being that much closer to the sun, we’d tan quicker.  And if we should have been at school (college) the first day the sun beat strongly enough, we would don our bathing suits, and somehow convince ourselves it wasn’t cold hoping the brick wall would shield us from the wind AND absorb some of the sun’s heat and bounce it back onto our glistening bodies.  Oh to be tan!

We were the Coppertone™ girls, or the Sea and Ski™ kids, lathering our bikini clad bodies up with who knows what… SPF wasn’t even a consideration.  Now 30+ years later, many of us are visiting the dermatologist for chemical peels that we hope will repair our sun damaged faces and bodies.  I’m right there with ya, well, I should be anyway!

Many of us still want that sun-kissed look and now have resorted to new methods to get it!  Friday was my first foray into this adventure!  I do not have a beef with the company, and my intent is not to promote or diss the company I went to for this experience, my only purpose is to relay the story and so I’ll begin.

Friday afternoon, my daughter and I proceeded to go to a tanning center.  See I have this hang-up about being pale for my son’s wedding.  Although I’ve been outside, as is evidenced by my various tan lines, I thought it prudent to think about going to a tanning center to help me even things up a bit!  I arrive a bit nervous, this is a new experience.  I have no intention of laying in a sun “coffin” so have opted for the spray tan.  I belly up to the counter and the young lady with the perfect tan on a nearly perfectly shaped body with gleaming perfect teeth greets me.  That should have been my first clue, everyone there seemed so perfect!  Anyway, I digress.  This nice young lady starts by asking me questions and I’m wondering if my hearing is off because I’m totally not comprehending what it is she is saying.  My fault, not hers!

She is asking me a question by telling me an answer and I’m not even sure what I said.  Somehow she seques this into selling me some sort of an accelerator and I’m thinking NASCAR?!  She then says something to the effect of if I’m dry I’ll need a moisture treatment and I’m still back on the accelerator and what I’m to do with that.  She had made mention that this accelerator was enough for two sessions and that was when I said something about my being so dry that I was crepey and I think she thought I said creepy and she is looking at Brooke for an explanation.  I thought this visit was prepaid and the next thing I know, I’m whipping my card out to pay for this accelerator and I can’t figure out where I’m driving to?!

The young lady leads Brooke and I through a maze of rooms, again some of them filled with the sun “coffins”.  We finally arrive at a room that has this shower/telephone booth in it.  I set my gym bag down as this young lady starts to tell me what it is I have to do.

First thing is to put on a cap to protect my hair.  Now, that said, my hair is gray, no I don’t color it, but I’m about to color my body?!  Does that even make sense to anyone?  When putting this cap on my head I am to leave an inch of hair showing so I don’t wind up with a white line around my face?  Aaahhh…..what is my white hair then?  Ok, cap on, but wait, my clothes are still on?  Duh!  I’m getting ahead of myself.  The young lady then tells me after I change out of my clothes, to use the accelerator, I guess I’ll be going fast?!  Then I’m supposed to use this barrier cream three times on my hands, so my hands don’t tan… does anyone remember the self-tanner QT™?  Ok, after I use the barrier cream and rub it into my hands thickly, I’m to use a thin layer on the back of my hands and then dab white blobs of the stuff on my fingernails.  Oh, and then I’m to do my feet!  Then she says go over to the telephone shower booth and step inside.  Hang your toes (no it is not like surfing) over the red line.  Then she goes into the positions???!!!!  First position and no it isn’t ballet, is standing facing the front of the booth, with your elbows raised shoulder height, with your hands pointing down.  Is anyone assuming the position?  Second position looks like something Steve Martin did in the movie King Tut, think a sphinx, right elbow 90 degree angle with palm facing your face, other arm, 90 degree angle hand pointing down with palm facing your butt.  Again, anyone in position?  Third position is the reverse of second position and then fourth position is facing the rear, (not your own) with arms away from your body but hanging down with your hands cocked at the wrists.

At this point the young lady and Brooke exit the room and I now must put all this information into the same sequential order or I’m going to be tan in spots I can’t even imagine.  Really, they should write this down.  Let me just say, I have no interest in tan boobs, or a tan tush and besides that I’m thinking about the old show, Candid Camera, where they catch you unexpectantly, so I decide what the heck, I can buy new underwear!  I don the cap, and then start lathering up my hands, but then remember I didn’t take off my earrings, my rings or my necklace.  Good thing they have plenty of paper towels!  I repeat with the barrier cream and it would have been better to have started with my feet, who knew?!!!  By the way, don’t do the bottom of your feet…..let me just say it was like ice skating!  Ok then, I’m finally ready.  I step into the booth and as stated I put my hand in front of this green blinking light……nothing happens.  I switch hands…..nothing happens.  Oh c’mon now……3 times with both hands and I’m thinking, I am not getting dressed again to go tell them the booth isn’t working!  Finally I hit the darn button and a voice comes on and I look up and there is this little “Bose” like cube speaker.  It tells me to assume first position!  Ok, here goes.  The sprayer is on a pole and it has multiple heads, but I have to quickly close my eyes, because it is about to hit my face.  My instincts tell me to hold my breath, but the spray is so cold I gasp inhaling the spray, (so now my lungs must be tan!).  Geez, no one told me it was cold.  The feeling is like going out in the spring and having someone shoot you with your garden hose from about a foot away with the hose set on mist.  Did I mention it was cold?! 

All of a sudden, this voice comes back on and says assume position 2.  Cripes what was that again?  Oh yeah palm facing face and the other facing my butt.  Again, the cold spray.  Positions 3 and 4 follow.  Next it is time for a drying technique, and this is like the drive through car wash, when those vacuums suck up the water….you know how they raise the windshield wipers from the car?  Yeah! 

Finally, because I was crepey (not creepy, although after sharing you all might think so), I then get this moisture package, and again, the temperature is of such a nature that my lungs get another dose of whatever this is!  The voice then comes on telling me to rotate around through the 4 positions and then says that I am finished.

All in all, it took about 3 minutes, as with baking, the prep part was the longest.  I now step from the booth still moist and have no earthly idea what to do.  I reach first for the paper towels and blot the cream off my hands and feet.  But, do I actually dry myself or will that smear all the stuff off me and what did the dryers do if I’m still wet?  At this point I dab myself with the towel, put my clothes on over what I wore in the booth, because I don’t want to ruin anything else and head back out to where Brooke is waiting.  I look in the mirror prior to heading out, but don’t see any change?!  Unfortunately the aroma coming off of my skin is not the pleasant Coppertone™ smell, but the stench of the QT™, then I’m told, I can’t shower for about 7 hours.  Ok so that means I’m gonna have to sleep smelling like this because it was 5 pm when I was finished! 

I arrive home, proceed through my evening and don’t get a wink of sleep because I somehow keep waking myself up when I put my hand under my face and smell that awful smell.  Thankfully the alarm goes off at 5 am and I bound up anxious for my shower.  Yes, 5 am….and bounding out of bed don’t sound like they go together, but let me assure you it was all good.

The experience is not one I will soon forget and as far as my color – for the most part people said it looked pretty natural, but that was after I sat outside this afternoon absorbing some natural vitamin D (which by the way is not a vitamin)!

Life is about experiences, I hope my rendition put a smile on someone’s face!  The only way this could have been better……if during the drying stage, it could have sucked the flabby parts into better positions!

Looking up!~ “Malibu” Barb(ie)