Humble Pie I

Sometimes we think we are so smart and then when something so simple gets pointed out to us, we sit in wonder about how little it is we really know!  My experiences of the past few days have served to point out some very teachable moments and they have also dished up a heaping portion of humble pie.

Think of an equilateral triangle.  We start and end our lives at the base of the triangle.  In our early years we gain knowledge as we work our way to the apex, simplified think of a baby as it matures.  Remember the terrible two’s?  That is the start of the independent streak that separates the child from dependency.  Each step we take toward the peak of the triangle we slowly gain confidence leaning more toward our own understanding.  In short, we gain knowledge, we learn.  At the height of our climb, when we peak, we are pretty darn cocky and full of ourselves.  As the parent of (2) 20 somethings I can attest that they seem pretty sure of themselves, and I’m positive they are right in there with the rest of their age group!  I don’t have a defined age for the summit, but once climaxed, we begin our descent.  The decline then too serves as a time when we once again become open to possibilities because we have taken ourselves out of the “all that” mode, again to simplify we learn.  This is the source of wisdom!  I find that I am on the decline!

Another point I was made to realize was again in reference to this triangle.  When we are infants we are open and trusting but totally dependent on someone else to care for us, likewise when we age, those living long enough, once again reach that state of needing to rely on someone to care for them.  This scenario begged the question of me, “Who do you want taking care of you?”

Years ago and maybe when we didn’t live so long….families took care of their loved ones in their homes.  Now, there are more and more nursing facilities cropping up to do what the families either can’t do or don’t want to do.  The thought that crosses my mind in making the last statement is why would they not want to?  And the answer is pretty horrifying – they don’t have the time to be able to and by that I mean, time, ability or desire.  To address time – they are busy with their own lives.  Ability – our aged have special needs that need special education/equipment in knowing how to deal with them.  Which leaves desire – and that I’m afraid is a byproduct of the selfishness we have instilled in our children.

Let me state that I understand the two-income family and I have been part of one for the past 19 years.  I was fortunate however; to have been able to be a stay-at-home mom with my kids up through the age of 6; once they hit school age, I then took on jobs that stilled allowed me to be home when they were home.  I know that doesn’t work for everyone today and the reasons are many, especially in this economy.  So understand I’m not knocking the double income, but I am asking the reason behind it.  Stay with me here, this is difficult to discuss, even for me!  This has to do with our wants and needs.  A need is defined as food, water, a roof over one’s head, clothing (not designer stuff) and love.  A want is anything beyond that.  It is the wants that create the selfishness, because in securing all of our wants, we limit our exposure to one of our needs and that is in providing and accepting love.  Love isn’t a tangible thing we give to someone; it is giving of ourselves, not just our money.  Remember the song “Cats in the cradle?”  The boy wants his dad to play ball, but the dad is always too busy.  Finally the boy grows up and the dad, now aged has the time to be part of the son’s life, but the son no longer has the time.  It is a vicious circle, unless we choose otherwise, it wasn’t about the “ball” it was about spending time together!

Do you know why I write this blog?  So that my kids can look back and understand the essence of who I was and why I chose to do the things with them that I did.  We might not have been high fallootin, but my husband and I certainly spent as much quality time with them as we possibly could.  I hope that this segues into their desire to want to do well by us should the time come when we need care.  It isn’t a guarantee though.  As my own Mom walks the avenues of her Alzheimer’s mind, she states she is lonely.  She used to be useful and she struggles to understand why she is still living, having lived past what she has determined is her purpose.  The dementia is an exercise in debilitating frustration, for her as well as my sisters and father who care for her.  I live 600 miles away and do what I can, which for me is never enough.  It pains me to think of her locked in the maze of her mind, searching for words and knowing she is losing it.  AND she knows, believe me, for the most part she knows and she fights it!  My greatest fear is one of loneliness and I don’t think I’ve cornered the market on it, meaning I’m not alone in my thoughts about it.  There is a major difference between being alone and lonely though.  I love the quiet time I am afforded each day and I spend it alone.  No loneliness is that feeling of existing and no one really noticing you, the absence of mattering, and the inability to connect on a deeper level than just the casual.  There are many lonely people out there, and they may even find themselves lonely in the midst of a crowd!  It is my belief that loneliness has to do with the absence of a basic need – love.  Why do we keep substituting material things for love?  Again, my thoughts go to a Bette Midler song, “Hello in There”, which is a song about an older person sitting (on a park bench, or in a wheelchair, or in the dining hall of a nursing facility) and they are just blank, staring off into space, thinking their thoughts and maybe, just maybe as they watch people pass them by, they think, it would be nice if someone stopped to inquire something/anything of me……even just to say hello!

Love is presence, not presents. 

Pie anyone?

Looking up! ~ Barb