Loneliness

Loneliness seems to be a recurring symptom of a greater problem.  I have a friend, who has admittedly said that she suffers from loneliness, but when you ask her in making plans in advance, you get one of two answers, no, I can’t make plans that far in the future because ….. or yes, and then the day before or the day of the event, it changes into the no because…..  I have tried to have this conversation, and I am not “judging.”  I’m just confused.  This loneliness seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, because whether or not I want to admit it, when this happens as much as it does, I start to back away thinking the desire for the friendship isn’t there, there is a vagueness to the relationship but then I have to check my attitude and see if it is my problem because I’m feeling hurt because of the rejection.  That said I’m not that “sensitive” that when it happens a time or two, I immediately travel this path.  What I’m talking about is an ongoing situation.

Years ago, I believe I suffered from a bout of mild depression.  I was in college and because of my job there, I had to stay the weekend when all but a very few people were there.   The loneliness was so overwhelming, I had to go find someone to just sit near to know that I wasn’t the only one there……let me tell you when you live in a dorm with 154 double occupancy rooms and there are 3 people in the dorm and you are one of them, it is lonely. There are still times when the world can look bleak to me, and by the grace of God, I know to call on His Grace to get me through it.

Loneliness is different from being alone though.  I have no trouble being alone and by that I mean, I like my times of solitude, I’m not afraid to go out to eat in a restaurant alone, go to the movies alone, travel alone, have my house to myself.  I totally enjoy my early mornings of tranquility.  I run alone, swim alone, bike alone.  I love to read.  It is when I can collect my thoughts.  Loneliness though can happen even in a room full of people.  Loneliness to me, is feeling like everyone is connected but you have this clear wall up that you see through but can’t figure out how to scale and you don’t know why it is there.  The thing is you’ve put it there by the same excuses I’ve mentioned in my opening paragraph, and while you know you are making the excuses you can’t seem to stop yourself from making them either.  This cycle becomes a habit until you no longer even sense that it is out of the ordinary.

I do not have a degree in psychology, I am self-taught in what I sense in people and maybe you don’t ascribe to what I am saying.  So be it.  But my guess is that there are people out there, like me, that don’t understand this loneliness thing whether it is their problem or if it is someone they love.  We were not born to be isolated, and even though there are “things” that fill up our time, God intended us to live in community and I don’t mean just in a neighborhood type of community.  Community to me is sharing, but sharing can only be done from a position of trust and not to be negative, but trust is a difficult trait to come by because the world seems to have become so self-serving.  I have seen this then develop into a fear and what the fear says to the person going through this is that they don’t try for fear of rejection, but their anxiety is premature and they take care of the situation by anticipating the rejection, so don’t bother trying at all.  There was a line in the movie “Pay It Forward” where they said it…. “I can’t reject you because you are too quick, you’ve already rejected yourself.”  This I believe has become the problem; we live in fear of not meeting someone else’s expectation of whatever level is supposed to be associated with us, because of our age, our color, our neighborhood, and our jobs.  We live in fear of not living up to someone else’s opinion.  But and I don’t say this casually, we don’t recognize ourselves in this problem, thinking it is only someone else’s.  Some people are just afraid to feel because then they have to deal with those feelings and it is easier to stay busy.  In saying that, we all have to cope in our own manners and I’m not trying to downplay the mechanisms we put into place to help us survive.  I don’t want to take away the only support system some people have in place, but I also want to make them aware that there might be additional support willing to be out there for them.  It is a fine line. 

Bette Midler sang a song…. “Hello in there” and the song’s lyrics depict an older person sitting on a park bench watching people walk by.  No one notices them and if they do, they aren’t even acknowledging their presence.  That is true loneliness in my view.  What have we become as a society when we no longer are cognizant of people around us, that in passing we can’t even nod or say hello.  I do understand how frightening the world is in making eye contact with someone who might be sinister in nature.  Is this really what we have come down too, is it that difficult to just say hello?  I’m not saying you have to strike up a full fledge conversation, but not even a hello?

Our neighborhood has about 550 homes in it.  It is very sad to say that I don’t know my neighbors but those on either side of me, and across the street.  It isn’t from my lack of trying.  I have hosted parties, inviting the neighbors and sometimes they come and thoroughly enjoy themselves, but they return home and live in their shuttered houses with the shutter slats closed not allowing any light in, nor welcoming anyone else in.  It is most probably a symptom of being overworked, being too tired and just surviving the day, day in and day out is all that they can muster.  The friend I mentioned in my opening paragraph lives in darkness with her shutters drawn this way.  The only thing I can say, is when you feel that darkness invading your spirit, you crave the darkness so no one can see your mess (both outwardly, but more importantly inwardly).  It is an effort to try to scale that wall and sometimes you just don’t have the energy to do so.  I’ve witness this and the destruction is devastating.  I will make it abundantly clear, I do not know the answer, but the second part of that is that I’m willing to help if I can be of service, not as an enabler, but as a friend.

Why even write this one might be wondering……because at some point we either need to reach out to another or maybe recognize when someone is reaching out to us.  We need to learn to read between the lines in what is sometimes being said and at the very least be willing to be there for someone else.  Our self-absorption is far too great and we are not living the lives Jesus intended when he said to “love your neighbor as yourself”…..what the heck are we doing?!  Or maybe I’m just frustrated and angry at the outcome of the situation of my friend….I know this is not what was wanted and maybe I live in a bit of fear of “There but by the Grace of God go I”

Henry Ford is quoted as saying “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t; you’ll be right.”

Looking up! ~ Barb