Perhaps to vent

Earlier this week, my husband and I spent the better part of 3 days in the hospital. He was the patient and I was his advocate. The only recommendation I can definitively state is that no one should enter a hospital without one. No offense to the staff, but there are just so many cracks one can fall through and the bureaucracy is tremendous.

What we encountered first hand was very disturbing. I choose not to go into it at this time, primarily for the purpose of not wanting to bite the hand that feeds me, meaning if we should ever have to go back…..I think you understand.
One of the profound lessons taught though was one of superiority. In telling of this particular incidence I am not, will not and do not lump all people with this level of status together.

One of the most unsettling incidences we faced was that we had a difficult time getting anyone to tell us what was going on. We had more contact with the person delivering the food, than we did with medical staff. We rarely, if ever, saw the same person twice and when we asked after simple requests we had to ask more than once……bath towels, wash cloths, extra blankets and sometimes (in regard to the blanket) it never made its way to us.

I don’t know if it is protocol, but medications were substituted and therefore looked different from the ones I was use to dispensing and I therefore questioned it. The pain pill I was use to seeing was yellow. The blood pressure pills a rust color. Neither of these did I see in his cup. Does it mean that he didn’t get them? No, it may mean that they substituted for them but herein lies the problem. Medicines cause reactions and everyone taking them reacts differently. The medical staff does ask for drug allergies, well how do you know if you haven’t taken some of them? Then again, what I referenced as being a "problem" drug was given not once but twice, and it was horrifying and quite scary (maybe not harmful) to watch my loved one suffer through the side effects. To be fair, they were dispensed by two different hospitals (I guess the notes didn’t follow the patient) but given too closely together.

But this is not the point of my blog today. The point is about superiority. Our final day was spent wondering if we were going to be able to leave and what time if so. Our oncologist stopped by in the wee hours of the morning and gave us the two thumbs up. We waited the rest of the day wondering why we never saw the doctor who had the "control" on the issue. We started asking about it about 11. No one could answer us. As the person delivering the food came in to ask for the dinner and breakfast orders, both my husband and I were feeling depressed. What was going on? Repeatedly I made requests to the nurse to try to find out things and I was NOT belligerent but I was firm in wanting to know!

About 3 p.m., a doctor came in and I sensed (and I’m taking liberty here) that our request was a nuisance, as if we were in the wrong to want to know. Let me add here, I wasn’t prepared with my own clothing, toothbrush and I didn’t know what kind of arrangements I needed to make for our dogs’ etc. But it isn’t about me! I was there to make sure that my husband was being taken care of. He received a partial bed bath because I was the one giving it to him. His last hospital stay (at a different hospital) he was given one every 3^rd day. Really? When you are home, do you bathe every 3^rd day? Don’t you like to be "refreshed" daily? Anyway, I digress; the doctor arrives and says that we can leave provided that my husband can give himself "shots" everyday. He replies he can’t but I can, because I’m a C.N.A. Well, if you could have seen the lip curl on that one. Meaning because I’m a lowly certified nursing assistant, I think I "know" so much to be in a position to demand the presence of a doctor. Was this stated? NO, but the look was all that was needed. I am the first one to admit that I don’t know everything, BUT what I do know is that ALL people needed to be afforded respect, regardless of their status. I realize that there are thousands of people being treated in the hospitals but when it is you and your loved one, you need to believe that someone cares for you on an individual basis. That you matter! The reason we choose the oncologist we did was precisely because he makes us feel as if we are his only patient! He listens to each and every word, every concern. We are fortunate to have him in our corner!

There are some who are demanding and that can be annoying. I think I surprised one friend in that I think she thought I was just willingly going along unassertively until she saw me in action. The thing was, my assertiveness is not in attacking the person I’m trying to seek help from. Not everyone realizes the finesse in which one has to deal with others, to preserve egos.

I’m going to end with a quote I read out of a 12-step program book. This somehow ties in with what I’ve written here, I’m hoping that you can see the connection.

"Self-righteous anger can also be very enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we are criticizing; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness."

If I was annoying to the "doctor" then I apologize. I have no idea the demands placed on a doctor. Truthfully, a life and death scenario does take precedence over a discharge, if that was what was going on. It was the lack of communication that was the biggest problem. We wound up on the floor we did, because it was where they had an available bed – in fact, that was the reason we wound up in that hospital, because where we wanted to be transferred to, that hospital didn’t have any available beds. So doesn’t it make sense to discharge those who don’t need them? Funny too, was that in the patient’s book of rights, they say they discharge by noon…..so you can see where our thoughts were.

I have experienced the "criticism" spoken about in my quote, I am not interested in my own righteousness, but I will protect and defend the interests of those in my care regardless of my status. In all fairness, I do not know the demands that were placed on this particular doctor on this particular day, so I am not trying to do a character assassination.

Anger though is many times the mask of fear. When one does not know what is going on, fear is the result. The only way I know to dispense fear is communication/knowledge. Anyone else?

Looking up!
Barb

What is it about power that is so enticing? Power requires an infusion of a "charge" and the "charge" is often times the self-seeking entity ultimately leading to our proverbial demise. I know this world takes all kinds of people and there are those who are natural leaders, unfortunately the natural leaders are in my opinion, the ones not seeking the position in the first place. They don’t "try," the leadership role comes naturally and they don’t have to change anything about their position.

I’ve never been one to "want" to be in charge, sometimes it has been foisted on me, and I do the task at hand to the best of my ability, but being in charge requires more "work" than I may care to do in a given moment. That does not mean I am not responsible, instead it means that I prefer to be the worker bee rather than the queen. I don’t need to be held in high esteem, because through Grace, I am all that I will ever be.

I was talking with my brother-in-law the other night and his company wanted to know if he was interested in making what I am calling a diagonal move (upwards). He thought about it and said no. In every respect it meant more, but most importantly the more he didn’t want to take on was the 24 hour a day, stress. As we continued our conversation, we talked about the differences of working in corporate America and working in pursuit of a passion. Both positions have different stressors however working in a field of your passion takes the sting out of the JOB.

There is prestige in positions of power, but then too I note that there is a disconnect, if that is the right word. In positions of authority, I find myself absent from the reason I wanted to perform the task I am assigned. For me, I am a people person, I need/want the connection with the end user and that is not in a position of sales!! I’ve had countless jobs where I push paper or other hands on things that have nothing to do with where I feel my strengths are. I have been considered successful in those pursuits, but have never felt "satisfied."

The only power I believe worth seeking, is the power of love given freely from God. I feel I am at a crossroad and while each direction offers me a unique journey, I’m tired of finding myself walking around the same block. While it is comforting seeing sights I’m familiar with, and that is only because I know how to navigate around them, I feel and fear (at the same time) that the journey is about to encounter some rougher waters.

I just came back from walking our dogs. It is a cool, crisp morning and as I walked this thought came to my mind. I need to embrace my journey, rough waters and all. To be perfectly clear, the current path we (I) are on, is one of more unknowns than we’ve ever before experienced. In the past month, since diagnosis, we have more or less lived in fear and while that is perfectly understandable, it negates God’s love for us. Worry is the great defeater. Every new symptom, which is more of a cause and effect situation when dealing with chemo, radiation and pain killers, wreaks havoc in our minds. Is this normal? What is normal? Rather the question I believe is, is this expected?! Because if it is, then we tend to believe that there is a way out. Cancer is a mine field or maybe I should say a mind field. So what does that have to do with power?

I believe the answer lies in releasing our need to control, our power, to a power that is greater than ours. God’s power is inconceivable and we have a difficult time thinking, much less knowing that the creator of the entire world, could possibly have "time" for our needs. When thought of in human terms, I’d have to agree. I can’t possibly do everything I need to do in a given day and yesterday was a perfect example of how great I felt I failed. Yesterday was spun in circles accomplishing nothing more than feeling lost, and alone. Yesterday, the power was in my/our hands.

I will end with yet another glimpse into life that is "Embracing Soul Care" by Stephen W. Smith. This is a paraphrased quote. "As expectant parents we pray for a healthy child. But somewhere after childbirth, parents begin to desire more than good health. In essence it becomes a competition for great achievements, meaning talking first, walking first, becoming the best (athlete, student, musician, artist, actor). The unconditional love of the nursery thus becomes pressure to perform, which then results (in our adult years) in our personal value being equated with notable achievement (aka power). The most telling part of this quote though is the next sentence. "Our souls risk implosion if we can’t accomplish enough. The bar is always too high for someone who cannot rest in God’s acceptance."

My power alone cannot deal with the diagnosis. By embracing my journey, I am in essence yielding to a greater power and accepting the course we will follow as well as my job description. Will this be easy? No. Will I attempt to re-take power, probably, I’m human. Yesterday, I realized my weaknesses. Today, even after writing this, I again met my match in weakness. It is only when I finally realize that I can no longer even attempt to pick up that baton…..for some that battle might be an addiction…..is a quest for power anything less?

My only hope is in …Looking up!
Barb

Plate spinning

When I was a young girl, our family use to go over to my grandmother’s house for dinner on Sunday nights. After dinner, while the adults sat around the table talking, us kids would go out into the livingroom and watch the Ed Sullivan show on a 13" black and white screen inside this huge box. It was there that I first saw the Beatles, but it was also there where I saw this plate spinning act.

According to Wikipedia, plate spinning is a circus manipulation art where a person spins plates, bowls and other flat objects on poles, without them falling off . While spinning any plate is a difficult feat for me, the plate spinners not only spin one, but the record holder has spun 108 with the help of an assistant.

I’ve never tried to actually spin a plate on a pole, but in life, there are many instances where I feel I have either tried this analogy or have been one of the plates. Let me explain.

Each of us is challenged in our daily walk to "do" a task. One task equals one plate on one pole. As we master the task, we feel we can add another plate with another pole. This continues on, until somewhere along the line we are spinning multiple plates on multiple poles and we think we are pretty darn good at what we do. The problem lies in that at some point, we may need to rest, take a break, go to the bathroom. The more plates we have spinning, the less time we have to do those things I just mentioned. Never mind sleeping, eating, playing. We have the tendency to think that if we just give each of our plates one good hard turn, that plate will continue to spin while we try our hand at juggling another endeavor.

Now, let’s give the plates a status. We have corelle, earthware, and fine china. Each of these types of dishes has different compositions. Corelle is more or less a plastic dish that rarely, if ever breaks…..I mean you could probably use it as a frisbee if it wouldn’t knock someone out. Earthware is a heavy duty plate, that withstands some of the bumps and bruises given to it, but if dropped it would break. Fine china – well lets just use this classification, if you look at it the wrong way it could break! Now back to spinning the plates. You now take these three types of dinnerware and put it on the poles. You give each one a good ride, but the key to the art is not letting any of the plates fall. But the key to the plates is not letting any of them break. So which takes precedence?

Each of us must look at our lives and assign value to the "plates" we are spinning. My fine china represents the people in my life and I am very careful not to take on too many because the patterns I’ve picked are vintage and irreplaceable. I would hope that this would be the case for others, but sadly it is not. Some people assign their everyday wear as their people and their possessions or jobs as their other plates. There is harm in that, because in my opinion people take precedence over everything other than God.

I have been the "corelle" and earthware pieces and have watched the people spinning me and have been aware of their needing time to address their fine chinas. It hurts to find yourself teetering or much less falling as they try to hurry to catch up. As one plate crashes they try harder, but continue to add more plates to their poles, rather than seeing that it isn’t the number of plates they have spinning that is important, but instead the quality of the spin they assign to each plate. But it is also hurtful to have once been considered fine china and then been relegated to the everyday knockoff. Regardless of its stature, once the plate has been knocked down, it is relegated to its demise.

We take on more and more plates in life to assign substance to our existence. Really? Yes, really! We have been fooled into believing bigger is better and more is the be all end all! I sit and watch as the people around me get fooled into believing that they will be able to beat the record of the plate spinner and while I wish to ask them to reconsider, it is not up to me to do so.

What consumes you and your time? Are you looking for meaning in the eyes of others, is that why we add plates to our poles? Or are you content with the fine china God has blessed you with and willing to make sure that you carefully spin each plate with love and care? It is after all, each of our own decisions.

Looking up!
Barb

Right or Wrong?

"Because of our relentless pursuit to get it all right, we’ve gotten it all wrong." Stephen W. Smith The Jesus Life (8 ways to recover authentic Christianity).

 I read those words and wanted to cry. It is 9:30 on Sunday morning and I feel very much alone. My husband of 30 years is still in bed, traumatized by the effects his pain management meds are having on him. He just finished his radiation treatments and will begin his chemo on Thursday for lung cancer.

For 30 years, my husband and I have lived a very personally satisfying life. We are proud parents of two beautiful well adjusted kids, one married, one about to be, we were comfortable financially (emphasis were), we live in a nice home, and we own our own business, which the economy has taken on a wild ride into hell and only just now are we starting to see a glimmer of light. These are the things I believe Steve refers to in his sentence. We were relentless in our pursuit of our business deals and lawn maintenance. Does it mean it was all for naught? No, but as we now are sitting waiting for the next part of our journey, nothing we’ve accomplished to date, seems to really matter as it once did.

The dreams of money and retirement and seeing the world quickly diminish in a diagnosis. That is not to say one doesn’t dream or have hope, but for me, it does bring the thoughts of tomorrow back to appreciating the reality of today. Unfortunately too many of us live lives that are relentless. What does relentless look like? Busy schedules, overloaded agendas, with too many have tos and shoulds decorating our to do lists. Overstimulated kids racing from one activity to another driven by frantic parents racing in from work and to the nearest fast food place to give our kids happy meals for dinner. Gone are leisurely walks, children playing outside, neighbors chatting on front porches, picnics, and family time without a second hand recording the time spent, just to name a few.

Interestingly Steve also hits an area in the bible where Jesus tells us we have also gotten it all wrong. In Matthew 11 versus 28-30, Jesus states the following: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythm of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly."

We are "trying" to do it right, by amassing more and more knowledge. Well knowledge was something the Pharisees of Jesus’ day had a lot of. They just never applied any of it to themselves. They sure set the rules, for which everyone else had to live by, but the rules never applied to them, they were above it all.

And that my friends is where I think many of us have found ourselves. Myself included until about six years ago, when diagnoses first started knocking on my love ones doors. The lesson I learned and am trying to pass on rather unsuccessfully is that today is the only day that matters and the reason it matters has nothing to do with how much we fill it up or even what we fill it up with.

I will put it as simply and honestly as I can. When it all boils down to nothing, who and what will be propping you up? Is your job going to hold your hand while you lie in bed? Do you have any true friends who might be there for you in your time of need? Have you established a relationship with God, the creator?

Personally, my job looks nothing like what I would like my job to look like. Interestingly that position is the one I find myself in with my husband right now, and it is not one in which I can draw a salary. Instead though, I have found that in performing the duties of the position they parallel what Jesus would have me do.

In regard to friends. Who are they? Are they true or fair-weather ones, disappearing when the need gets to be too much, or too long? Are they relationships or part of a facebook count and by that I am only asking about validity? The problem is because of our busyness, we often find ourselves having to "do" what is on our agenda, before coming to the aid of someone else. Is that wrong? I would say it depends on whether or not you are the person in need? Once you’ve been the person in need you might answer the question differently.

In talking with a friend last week, she brought out an interesting point. It was about how we tout ourselves about being Christians and yet seemingly lack compassion, which is the embodiment of Jesus. In simple terms you can’t be a Christian and not be compassionate. It is impossible, it is an oxymoron. Yet how many of us spew the doctrine that rarely is exhibited in us? Amassing more knowledge does nothing if it is never applied.

So getting back to the opening sentence. I believe our pursuits are what have been misalignned and the reason is the focus. As long as our focus remains on ourselves, we will continue to get it wrong. When we allow our focus to shift upward we will then be given the capacity to understand what is necessary inward that can then be expressed outward. I believe as Derwin Gray of Transformation Church states – Look upward and love God completely, so that we can then love ourselves correctly and then serve others compassionately. In doing so, we will find ourselves on the pathway to getting it right.

Looking up!
Barb

Categorizing your friendships

I just read a passage that literally made me stop in mid-sentence. It was about friendship and it asked that we make a list of our friends putting them in one of three categories. Life giving friends, life draining friends and friends who are and should remain acquaintances. The people in our lives all fit into one of those three categories. Now, I haven’t done the exercise yet, but what stopped me was wondering which category I would find myself in, in others eyes. All of us want to be included in the first category, but just because that is where we’d like to be positioned, doesn’t mean that that is where we’d fall.
Life giving relationships are not necessarily ones that are problem free; it is just that they have more of the tendency to build others up (and not falsely). These are the people who you trust will be there for you, should you find yourself in the position of need. Just because it may work one way, does not make it work both ways. If the relationship lacks reciprocity, it is not included in this category. Doesn’t this then work against the whole viewpoint of not judging others?

I don’t think so. You see, even though there will be times when we "fail" our friends by not being available at a given moment or in a given way; we are able to appreciate something in their character that allows us to be drawn to them. A life draining person would (I think) be immediately recognizable as someone whose needs and presence suck the life right out of each and every person they meet. Again, in my opinion, they would be hypercritical and one would never be able to meet their standards and they wouldn’t have any problem letting you know when and how you have failed them. But on top of that, they would constantly demand that you try, because their needs must be first and foremost on their mind and therefore yours. I started to type ewww, but I think ouch is a better reflection on this type.

The acquaintance friend is what I have always termed a "Ya-ha" friend. It is the person you meet casually and hang around with, but never get beyond having a surface relationship with. You share, but only to a point. Something in this relationship keeps you wary and you just never aspire to anything deeper. Should you attempt to do so, this is usually short-lived as they quickly find some way to eradicate trust.
But getting back to judging. The source with which I read all this was in Stephen W. Smith’s new book "The Jesus Life". What I found fascinating was that Jesus wanted and needed friends, and He knew everything about each of his (and us) and yet still invited them in. Do you get that? He knew Judas would betray him, that Thomas would doubt and that Peter would deny Him and yet, He still invited them into His inner circle.
The inner circle is another term I have used in my life. As Smith writes, "We can have many acquaintances in life, but we do not have the heart capacity to have many deep friends." Interestingly as we get older, the capacity seems to diminish. And again, interestingly, I understand that phenomenon.

As we age we get set in our ways and some are too rigid in their approach to want to change. I have heard repeatedly from friends that they feel that unless they stay status quo, they run the risk of losing their friends. My reply to this makes me think that they are not life giving friends then. Each of us is a sinner, a work in progress. That does not imply being stagnant, but rather a sense of movement. Life is not stagnant, life is moving. Get the point?!

I am a sinner, I am not perfect, but in my lack of, I have been represented as being fun/a goofball. If that analogy were used in the appropriate time and place, I would then hope that my status would be that of a life giver. I can not be all things to all people, but at 56, I no longer wish to be. I have found a niche in which I am more or less comfortable and wish to be pro-active in sharing the good, the bad and the ugly (as one of my life-giving friends calls it!) But for others my current needs  take away from theirs. 

As my heart is breaking at a very poignant time in my life, I am surrounded with the best God has to offer. I worry about "sucking the life" out of those I care about, because I am not use to being on the receiving end; but this is what is meant about the gift of reciprocity. Sometimes it does have to be about you – even if you don’t want it to. This is not allowing yourself to wallow, but instead giving a chance to allow others to do for you what you have done for others (whether it is them or someone they have watched you help). My heart is full of gratitude for the love and compassion being shown to me (and my husband). It is very humbling, but in a good way. You see, if you stand too long on your own strength, never allowing yourself to accept help, when you finally really need it, who will be there for you? God shows himself in our weakness. Too often we belittle those whose weakness we don’t understand! Why don’t we understand it? Because we don’t share the gift of reciprocity which is the key to life-giving friendships.
Which category defines you?
Looking up!Barb

Difficult life lessons

Each morning I read from a devotional "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Yesterday’s read "This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens us, releasing your prized possession into My care."

It continued, but the significance of that paragraph was profound to me. For the past year I have blogged about an almost continuing theme revolving around cancer. I have been on the "giving" end of being a caregiver, outside my home. It was never and still is NOT about my giving, or me but instead about the love I have felt and still feel that God has blessed me with in my desire to share with others and for some inexplicable reason especially those with cancer.

I haven’t blogged much this year, not for the fact I haven’t had thoughts or feelings, but instead because I’ve had too many and couldn’t grasp them all. At the onset of this year, I learned that my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Just 2 weeks ago, we learned that my husband has adenocarcinoma (lung cancer – non-smoking) and in 5 weeks, our daughter is getting married. I don’t share this at this moment to garner sympathy. Is our plate full, sure, but like so many others, life is seemingly one chaotic thing after another. These are the thoughts I have tried to express in past blogs – that we ALL are too busy. It is in having a diagnosis that we finally garner the lesson of what is truly important in our lives.

As we grapple with the issues at hand, it has been interesting and humbling to watch the events of our lives unfold. There are some who would view this blog and my sharing it as wrong, mostly because their perception in how I handle things would not be how they would deal with the circumstances. They would not be able to comprehend that my view of life is one in which the journey is shared with the hope of gaining and sharing insight. I am open in sharing just about everything in life, and I don’t view their way as wrong, just different from mine.

I had a keen sense of this insight yesterday and it was in regard to the lessons the Bible (and therefore) Christ is teaching us. Repeatedly I hear that we should exhort the teaching of the Bible, but what are they? Love one another is the ONLY theme throughout the entire book. How we love one another may be different, but just because it is different does NOT make it incorrect. I challenge anyone to tell me otherwise. Actually, those who think that their way is the only way offend me. Self-righteous judgments based on misinterpreted biblical principles applied to anyone’s life are wrong. God and ONLY God is capable of knowing what is in our hearts. How dare anyone try to place their interpretation of another’s situation into their self-prescribed context of the way things should be handled. It is wrong enough that they do this, but when they lack the good taste to keep these opinions to themselves they have no earthly idea of the hurtful havoc they spew.

Do I sound angry? Then you would be correct. I have been the recipient of this "well-meaning" horse manure. It is with every ounce of my being that I not say anything hurtful back, but thinking it is just as bad. Turn the other cheek is the way Christ says. But how often? Seventy times seven, I believe is what is referenced and I don’t believe that means you get knocked down 490 times before you can say something, it means you persevere through turning the matter over to God. But I’m still pretty darn angry!
I’m not looking to make a scapegoat out of anyone. I will admit and did admit in the opening lines somewhere about this experience being a humbling one. It is humbling to lose control over one’s life. It is difficult to let those we love "go." The possessions, yeah those too, can be difficult to release.

All this made me recall my hospice training. Each of us was given (20) 3x5 cards. The instructor gave us 5 categories. The categories were people, feelings, possessions, experiences and ideals. Now I’m drawing from memory here, so it may be a bit skewed. As near as I can recollect, under people we could write people’s names or classifications meaning spouses, children, sisters/brothers, parents or name them individually. Anyway, once we had completed the 20 cards. We turned them over, leaving them in their categories. Next in the exercise, we were told to arbitrarily pick 2 cards from each pile and get rid of them. Then she started with her "story." The story went: each of us had been diagnosed with a cancer. One by one as the story unfolded, we had to release a card from our stack. We weren’t given but a minute to do so. Quickly we released the unnecessary from our lives and usually first to go were possessions. As the story unfolded and our cards diminished once again we lost "control" over our circumstances and I believe it was when we only had 2 cards left. We then had to turn to the person sitting next to us and without looking they got to take a card from us. In the end, and by God’s grace, my last card in my hand was God’s. But the "pain" I suffered as I lost the control over choosing was as if I had actually lost my loved ones. Gone were my dreams, my experiences, my possessions, my dignity!

As I sit here, recalling the opening lines of my devotional and I realize that I am no longer in control of my destiny, I realized that I had better put my money where my mouth has been for all the blogs I’ve written to date. Am I afraid – you betcha! Can I fix what is occurring? No way! Now is the time that I will have to weather the test of faith. And in that I need to be clear. My faith is NOT based on someone else’s convoluted interpretation colored by their bias. Love one another is Christ’s message. As humans we are born sinners, but lest we all forget, Christ exhorted those readying to throw stones to examine themselves before launching their projectiles. My way may not be the way you would walk, but it is the way I perceive Christ leading me!



Looking up!
Barb

Life Puzzle, where do your pieces fall?

I’ve been there for others in their time of need and now, when I am at a low point, it has been pointed out to me that I am not measuring up, I’ve changed. Maybe not in those exact words, but similarly stated. My "change" has not been out of ill-will, but instead from my own need to re-charge. I am not some superhuman force and just as I was thinking that there was something wrong with my perception, I came across this sentence, from "The Lazarus Life" by Stephen W. Smith.

"Study might be a part of community, but vulnerability is an even more important part. Vulnerability means a certain kind of soul nakedness."
What Steve is referring to is the Biblical story of Lazarus as he is being transformed from death back to life. I highly recommend you read the story, but to cut to the chase, Jesus shows up, after His buddy, Lazarus dies. Oh, and by the way, He (Jesus) was purposely late! Anyway, He shows up and is at the tomb of His friend, when He performs a miracle, asking Lazarus to come forth. (In today’s vernacular – get up and c’mon down!). Lazarus comes from the depths of the tomb, more or less mummified, he’s been in there a couple of days and he’s been wrapped up! Now, as the story goes, Jesus did the miracle (raising Lazarus from the dead), but He expects us to do the things we can do (unwrap Lazarus from the mummifying cloths). Did I mention, because Lazarus had been dead a few days, he was stinky?

What I absolutely love about Steve’s book is that he can take the grave clothes of Lazarus and make me see that the vulnerabilities I’m facing are similar. The things that cause me to feel shame, fear rejection, or doubt my self-worth are every bit as unpleasant as unwrapping a body that has been decomposing. The question then becomes, who do I trust enough to gently and lovingly help me unwrap the areas of my life that keep me from being all that God has met for me to be? And that, is the dirty business of unwrapping life’s problems within our communities.

In essence, I have finally figured out a huge piece of MY puzzle and it has everything to do with how I relate to others. The better my relationship is with someone, the more honest the vulnerability factor. Scary stuff! I never "push" people into opening up, because for the most part, people are afraid to be that open. I have seen first hand those who "want" a close relationship and yet hide behind masks, not comprehending that their fear is what holds them back from a more meaningful one. I have had people tell me on different occasions that they never share everything about themselves for whatever reasons and that’s fine, if that is the way they feel. Unfortunately, it can and does affect the relationship. My strongest and closest friendships are with people who are willing to honor me with the acceptance of my vulnerabilities. The key being that it is in the sharing of each other’s vulnerabilities. As Steve writes "Oh, for such a friend." And he absolutely nails it!

He goes on to say that "we each bring something to our relationships that hinders us. Yet, we set high standards for others and "arrive" (name a place) with expectations that often lead to disappointment. Over the years we develop a long litany of disappointments with people." Can you think of anyone who has disappointed you? Are you a disappointment to anyone? At this point, I know I am! I even know why and it has to do with the perception of standards set for me.

This made me take my blinders off. What do I want? And it isn’t just a selfish question and to boot, I don’t know that anyone has ever asked me that?!! In essence, I want to be loved the way I love others. I don’t want to conform to anyone else’s set of rigid standards, but instead want to share (key word there) and enjoy life with those I love. I want less schedules and more spontaneity and if that sounds irresponsible then I guess I won’t be spontaneous with whomever is thinking that. Instead of looking for all the wrongs of something, let’s instead look for the rights. I want deep, honest and soul-filled relationships with those willing to share the nurturing duties. I can’t do one-sided anymore, unfortunately, I’ve reached the burn-out stage.
　
Looking up!
Barb