What is it about power that is so enticing? Power requires an infusion of a "charge" and the "charge" is often times the self-seeking entity ultimately leading to our proverbial demise. I know this world takes all kinds of people and there are those who are natural leaders, unfortunately the natural leaders are in my opinion, the ones not seeking the position in the first place. They don’t "try," the leadership role comes naturally and they don’t have to change anything about their position.

I’ve never been one to "want" to be in charge, sometimes it has been foisted on me, and I do the task at hand to the best of my ability, but being in charge requires more "work" than I may care to do in a given moment. That does not mean I am not responsible, instead it means that I prefer to be the worker bee rather than the queen. I don’t need to be held in high esteem, because through Grace, I am all that I will ever be.

I was talking with my brother-in-law the other night and his company wanted to know if he was interested in making what I am calling a diagonal move (upwards). He thought about it and said no. In every respect it meant more, but most importantly the more he didn’t want to take on was the 24 hour a day, stress. As we continued our conversation, we talked about the differences of working in corporate America and working in pursuit of a passion. Both positions have different stressors however working in a field of your passion takes the sting out of the JOB.

There is prestige in positions of power, but then too I note that there is a disconnect, if that is the right word. In positions of authority, I find myself absent from the reason I wanted to perform the task I am assigned. For me, I am a people person, I need/want the connection with the end user and that is not in a position of sales!! I’ve had countless jobs where I push paper or other hands on things that have nothing to do with where I feel my strengths are. I have been considered successful in those pursuits, but have never felt "satisfied."

The only power I believe worth seeking, is the power of love given freely from God. I feel I am at a crossroad and while each direction offers me a unique journey, I’m tired of finding myself walking around the same block. While it is comforting seeing sights I’m familiar with, and that is only because I know how to navigate around them, I feel and fear (at the same time) that the journey is about to encounter some rougher waters.

I just came back from walking our dogs. It is a cool, crisp morning and as I walked this thought came to my mind. I need to embrace my journey, rough waters and all. To be perfectly clear, the current path we (I) are on, is one of more unknowns than we’ve ever before experienced. In the past month, since diagnosis, we have more or less lived in fear and while that is perfectly understandable, it negates God’s love for us. Worry is the great defeater. Every new symptom, which is more of a cause and effect situation when dealing with chemo, radiation and pain killers, wreaks havoc in our minds. Is this normal? What is normal? Rather the question I believe is, is this expected?! Because if it is, then we tend to believe that there is a way out. Cancer is a mine field or maybe I should say a mind field. So what does that have to do with power?

I believe the answer lies in releasing our need to control, our power, to a power that is greater than ours. God’s power is inconceivable and we have a difficult time thinking, much less knowing that the creator of the entire world, could possibly have "time" for our needs. When thought of in human terms, I’d have to agree. I can’t possibly do everything I need to do in a given day and yesterday was a perfect example of how great I felt I failed. Yesterday was spun in circles accomplishing nothing more than feeling lost, and alone. Yesterday, the power was in my/our hands.

I will end with yet another glimpse into life that is "Embracing Soul Care" by Stephen W. Smith. This is a paraphrased quote. "As expectant parents we pray for a healthy child. But somewhere after childbirth, parents begin to desire more than good health. In essence it becomes a competition for great achievements, meaning talking first, walking first, becoming the best (athlete, student, musician, artist, actor). The unconditional love of the nursery thus becomes pressure to perform, which then results (in our adult years) in our personal value being equated with notable achievement (aka power). The most telling part of this quote though is the next sentence. "Our souls risk implosion if we can’t accomplish enough. The bar is always too high for someone who cannot rest in God’s acceptance."

My power alone cannot deal with the diagnosis. By embracing my journey, I am in essence yielding to a greater power and accepting the course we will follow as well as my job description. Will this be easy? No. Will I attempt to re-take power, probably, I’m human. Yesterday, I realized my weaknesses. Today, even after writing this, I again met my match in weakness. It is only when I finally realize that I can no longer even attempt to pick up that baton…..for some that battle might be an addiction…..is a quest for power anything less?

My only hope is in …Looking up!
Barb