Getting out of your comfort zone

Had an interesting evening the other night.  We started our bible study on Jonah and I thought it would be out of the ordinary if we did something different as an ice breaker.  Since not everyone knew each other, I thought it would be fascinating to try an experiment that would take us out of our comfort zones.  There were 8 of us.  I had 4 people sit in straight back chairs and 4 people stand behind them.  As one in the group was reading something, I had those standing behind massage the shoulders and necks of those seated.  This was definitely out of the comfort zone for some, for others, they totally enjoyed it.  Halfway through the reading, we switched.  The point of this exercise was to put into practice the idea that we have been called to serve one another.  Jesus did it by washing His disciples’ feet.  Can you imagine if I had started there?  I’m actually having a pretty good laugh imagining it as I type this.

The story of Jonah, is the story of a prophet of God who has been asked to go somewhere he doesn’t want to go, in fact, he runs in the opposite direction rather than heed the calling of God.  Thing is, God wants him to do His will, not Jonah’s and God goes to great lengths to make things unbearable for Jonah until he succumbs to the will of God.  Have you ever wondered if you are doing your will or God’s?  All I can tell you is that if God wants it done, He’ll get it done and if He wants you to be the one doing it, you’ll be doing it, no matter how far you run or where you try to hide!

It is remarkable to me to witness the hang-ups we have learned over time.  I am amazed at the rigidity that has overtaken us.  One friend has described me as being “wide open” and I really need a clarification on that as I’m not quite sure what she means.  She might be suggesting I need to lose weight, she might be suggesting that I’m a goofball and both of these things wouldn’t be far from the truth.  But from a kinder, gentler standpoint, she might be referring to the fact that I speak my mind (hopefully from a loving viewpoint) about issues most people repress.  I will say, I’ve learned to speak up and made the decision to live out loud, not because I think I’m all that, but instead because I know I’m not and want others to feel they too are worthy even if they aren’t “perfect!”

Do you see the rockers on my blog?  I took that picture of my deck last year.  I can’t wait for it to get warm enough so that I can spend my mornings out there with a cup of coffee and my evenings with a glass of wine (or beer).  My husband bought us new surround sound speakers and you can be assured that in the evenings I will have some soul stirring piano solos soothing my jangled nerves.  Not in the mornings though, I just want to hear the birds chirping as the sun rises welcoming me to a new day.

So, you can see I love mornings and love my evenings, but what about my mid-days?  To me, it is kind of like faith, those in-between moments while you are waiting to hear from God.

I shared in our study, an episode whereby I truly felt as though God and I were having a dialogue.  Unlike a monologue where one reads God’s word and then prays a litany of their wishes, hoping that God lines up behind them to have them occur.  No, this dialogue was one where there was a two-way conversation going on and I was being asked if I wanted to do something and I didn’t feel up to the task, because part of the requirement was to be able to let go of someone I loved dearly when it was time.  One of my biggest challenges in life is saying goodbye, so I didn’t think I’d be able to do that, so I said no…..to God!  Hey, I felt like He was “asking” me.  The thing was, in the blink of an eye, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace about doing as I was being asked, and changed my mind from no to yes.  It went on to being one of the most beautiful experiences in my life.  It also gave me a feeling of complete trust about anything I would be asked to do in the future.  Which brings me to my point about mid-days….faith is what happens in between the times you hear from God.

I had to develop and am still developing this skill and I find myself frustrated at times because I want so much to hear from Him and there are times when I can go days or even longer without doing so!  Those days are the days when I’m supposed to be learning something and unfortunately those days are the days I’m learning just how much I still need to learn!  I’m not very patient, I’ve totally bought into the instant gratification that has become the norm for our society!  And then just this morning I read, that more often than not, the reason I stop hearing Him isn’t because He’s stopped talking, but instead, I’ve stopped listening!  Are you teachable?  That’s the question on whether or not you are hearing God, because, until you stop whatever “sin” you are committing, He can’t move you past it.  I also just read the reason why Jesus was so interested in children, can you handle this?  It is because they learn quickly, mainly because they don’t have their minds already made up which keeps them from being open to something new and then doing it!  Are you more like a child in your faith, or the Pharisees, loaded with false perceptions and man-made rule?

God doesn’t need know-it-alls, He’s looking for people who are willing to learn!  Our resumes mean very little to Him, there’s no previous experience required, He’s willing to train us.  We are not valued because we’ve been productive, we are valued just because we are His!  Derwin Gray, a former football player, now minister has a catchy phrase, and I’m going to borrow it here…..it goes -  “Marinate on that!

Looking up!~Barb

Heart Size

Today is an absolutely beautiful day in Charlotte, NC.  The sun is shining, the skies are that intense Carolina Blue (think Tar Heels), the mercury is set to hit 80, yes check your calendars quick, it is still only March 18^th!  On a day like today, with the tulips budding, the tree leaves unfolding and the birds chirping, one can feel that all is right with the world! 

All is right with the world?  In the midst of what is going on in the middle East, in the midst of the devastation of Japan?  In the midst of what is going on right here in the US?  How about in the midst of the tragedies occurring everyday right in our own neighborhoods, or worse, right in our own families?!  Whether or not we want to believe it, there is a plan out there!  We may never understand (this side of heaven) why things happen the way they do, but there is a plan!

Have you ever considered that the size of your world is the size of your heart?  We might not be able to change our past or even some of the circumstances we find ourselves presently in, but we can choose our attitudes about them.  If you find yourself in the pit of negativity, then what you need to recognize is that the enemy of God, has stolen your thoughts and has removed joy from your life.  This enemy can hold you in bondage as you watch the news on television, or surround yourself with other negative people or use any other type of negative circumstance to make you believe you are less than the person God created you to be.  Negativity shrinks your world to being concerned only about you and when it is all about “you” your world is very small.

Negativity can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if we allow it.  When we have something “bad” happen and we dwell on it, before we know it we can find ourselves in that pit of despair.  What we may not want to face up to is that it is really our choice in how we want to handle this matter, even when the walls seem insurmountable.  God’s enemy wants you to believe this and goes to great lengths to convince you!  Have you been convinced?  At times I have!

Using grief as an example and it is not something I take lightly….  I’ve watched a friend recently bury her second child; I am in awe of the resiliency of her spirit.  In conversations we’ve had, she wants what use to be normal, now don’t go judging, she is also taking the steps to do what is necessary to handle her grief, but the thing is, she has chosen not to allow it to become who she is.  Likewise when my nephew had leukemia, he said to his mom, “cancer is not who I am, I wish people wouldn’t look at me that way.  I’m still Rick.  Treat me the same, if I do something wrong, yell at me, love me for me, not because of the disease!”  Despite both their circumstances both chose to feel normalcy, and joy and every other emotion under the sun, they didn’t stay stuck, mired in negativity.

Then this morning I read about a Sunday school class of 8 year olds.  One of the kids was a Downs child.  Try has he did, he was still shunned by his classmates.  The Sunday school teacher planned an activity to try and stimulate all the kids for Easter.  He presented each child with a plastic egg and took them outside to look for things that resembled spring aka “new life.”  All the kids ran around the grounds collecting their treasures.  They then came inside to share with each other.  As the teacher opened each egg there was much oohing and aahing.  Inside there were flowers, or butterflies.  One child wanted to be different and put in a rock?  Then the teacher opened one egg and found it was empty.  The Downs child claimed it was his and once again, the kids snickered about him.  But then, the youngster made this statement about his empty Easter egg; he said, it’s empty, like the tomb, it is empty!  As I read this story I got goosebumps, as I re-typed it, I got them again.  It is all about our perspective, about how we view things.  By the way, the end of that story goes on to say that the little boy died three months later.  However, he not only shared an important message with those children, he continues to share it with the passing on of that message, through the re-tellings like this!  He totally understood, despite his circumstances, the true meaning of Easter and the true meaning of joy.  His heart size was huge!

Fix your gaze on good things, increase your world by increasing the size of your heart!  Again, I write from a simplistic viewpoint, I am inclined to believe that many times we make things more difficult than they need to be. I’m not trying to insult anyone with my simplicity, but want to maintain that aura of childlike awareness.  When we are only concerned with me, myself and I, we are severely limiting the roles God has planned for us.  No, I am not a great philosopher of life and I’m certainly not a theologian, but I’ve decided to embark on a journey of the heart and will welcome anyone who’d like to come along beside me!

Looking up!~Barb

Choices

It seems I am forever perusing bookstores, and yesterday was no exception.  I came across a book entitled “One Minute after You Die”.   This had been recommended to me by our installer, Mark.  He and his wife had a son fighting in Afghanistan last February (2010) and on the 16^th, Noah stepped on an IED and lost his earthly life. Mark remarked about the comforts this book afforded him.  The author of the book paints a picture of a curtain that separates our lives from those of the departed.  The brief scenario I read, and will describe in a bit, left me desperate to relay this information.  It painted a picture of the departed as being able to look backwards wishing to convey the knowledge they now know as a warning.  For whatever reason this resonated with me, I’m heeding it to the best of my ability.

Recently I was speaking with a friend, whose two sons died within 16 months of each other.  They were in their mid-20s.  This friend and I have engaged in some pretty amazing dialogues and one of them was about knowing “where” our loved ones (especially our kids) stand in their faith.  We both don’t know and it is a pretty daunting realization!

Faith is a personal issue.  You can teach about it, you can try to live it, but the one thing you can’t do is force it.  When I was my kids’ ages, I was pretty cavalier,  I thought I was invincible and I really didn’t think too much about God or Jesus or the need to make sure that I was on the bedrock of belief.  I was too interested in partying, getting married, having kids, and working.  I was totally wrapped up in me and my life.

Let me give you an example from the book about  our choice….., please note this is my interpretation of what was written…

You are walking down a dark road; it is cold, and foreboding.  The sounds you hear are disconcerting, scary, conjuring up images of thugs waiting to mug you.  Rain starts to fall and if possible it seems to get colder and you find yourself being chilled to the bone, there is nowhere to turn for warmth or to get out of the elements, you just keep moving in a line with others, it is bleak without hope…..  It is gloomy!

You are walking on a bright spring day.  The temperature is a perfect 75 degrees, neither too hot, nor too cold.  There is a light breeze (built in for those of us who like to run).  The blossoms of the flowers are just budding; the tree leaves are just unfolding.  The day beckons with promise.  It is sunny and seems joyful.

Ok, you have a choice on the above scenarios, which do you choose? 

Overly simplistic you think?  So be it, but it shows the two extremes rather poignantly! And this is just how the opening pages of the book “One Minute after You Die” opens.  This is our choice for the hereafter, to spend our days in the promise of hope or be forever relegated to gloom and doom. 

This scares me to no end therefore I’m sharing this difficult passage with anyone who thinks that faith is something that they will just deal with later.  I don’t understand things, like how a 6, 7, 8 year old can decide to give their life to God, because they don’t have life experience.  I’m not knocking that they do, but I’m left to wonder, why I, who received an upbringing in a church and went to catechism classes, never felt this at that tender age.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be experiencing it now, but why not at a younger age?  No, my kids did not grow up with the solid background of a faith.  Unfortunately, I was too unmotivated and lazy.  I looked around and thought my earthly examples of what I deemed to be “right” living was enough for them.  I was and am sadly mistaken.  I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I can write and let them know that I made a grave mistake and that I’m sorry.  I can pray that they see the error of my ways and don’t make the same mistakes I made and then, I can turn this mess I’ve created over to God and let Him counsel them.  The song “In better hands now” by Natalie Grant just came on…..the opening lines; it is hard to stand on shifting sand. Hmmm.   Brent, Brooke, make sure the foundation of your life is on firm ground.  Build on stability not the whims of passion.  Please don’t wait until you face a crisis to ask God to come into your lives.  If you constantly turn your back on Him, why should He not turn His back on you?  His love is not conditional, He sent His Son for all of us, because we are imperfect.  He understands and knows us, better than we know ourselves.  Still, He craves a friendship with us.  Final thought, would you ask a stranger to lend you a hand and expect him to do it?  No?  Yet, you would ask a friend and your friend would go above and beyond to help you.  Let God be your friend.  It isn’t about the rules, don’t let “rules” scare you away, it is truly about a relationship!  You will NEVER regret the relationship, especially when you get to choose the promise of an eternal lifetime of sunny days.

Looking up!~Barb

Feedback System

We have been constructed in the most extraordinary manner and for the most part, we aren’t even aware of it.  We have been created with a built-in feedback system of God’s design.  We may think we have the market cornered on how we want to live our lives, the goals we have set for ourselves, but sometimes life does not work out just the way we’ve planned.

We are starting a small bible study, studying the book of Jonah, through Priscilla Shiver’s text, “Jonah, Navigating a Life-Interrupted.”  In the first week, she lays out a formula that is really telling, at least to me!  If you add an insignificant person and an insignificant event you wind up with a major interruption.  However, if you add a person of significance with an event of significance you wind up with a divine encounter.  It is all in the perception of the person and the event that is taking place and how we “assign” importance to each of these two aspects.  It really makes one stop and think, because if you are forever being blown off by someone, you might start to think you are pretty darn insignificant!  Too often, the relationship is a matter of "what's in it for me?" Whereas in the case of the significance of the event it might be based on whether we see things as obstacles, challenges or dilemmas to overcome or excuses not to try.  I'm not judging, it is up to each of us to view these things on our own, in our own God's truths.

This leads me back to our internal construction….if “our plans” regardless of how noble or well-intended they might be, don’t line up with God’s plans, they won’t occur.  But how do you realize whether or not your plans actually do line up with God’s?  Are you ready?  This is actually pretty cool…..we use God’s feedback system that He has carefully created within us.  The feedback system is our emotions.

In a daily devotional I read “Daily in Christ,” this was explained as when we experience an event or a relationship that leaves us feeling anxious, angry or even depressed, these might be a sign that we are holding onto a faulty goal based on a wrong belief.  If the goals become blocked we become angry, if our goals are uncertain, we become anxious and if we see our goals as impossible we become hopeless, which is at the heart of depression.  Without God’s intervention, none of these things can change, yet, if we view these same events/relationships from God’s perspective, and we have a good biblical understanding of the meaning of success, significance, joy, satisfaction, peace and security we will be able to reach our goals.  Why?  Because we will want, what God wants for us! 

What does this mean?  Again, using a relationship going nowhere, if you find yourself beating your head against the wall trying to establish a bond and your compatibility factors are so low to almost non-existent, there is a good chance that this is not a relationship that is meant to be.  When I think of this, my mind immediately goes to two people trying to date, the saying goes you should never judge a book by its cover….you could wind up with two nice people, with absolutely nothing in common, but just because they are nice people you think they should match.  Relationships take time to establish, you have to get beyond the surface, beyond the people pleasing aspects to decide if this is a relationship you want to continue being part of.  Same thing with a job.  In today’s market, no one wants to turn down the chance of employment, and yet, by taking anything that comes up the pike, one might be stealing someone else’s blessing and secondly rendering themselves out of the loop for what might have been their big reward.  I believe all too often, people just take advantage of “I hold onto this job or this relationship, in the event that nothing else comes along, at least I’ll have something or worse yet someone”……and they are never happy.  They exist, and complain and feel angry, depressed or anxious.  Somewhere I’ve heard it put like this, that you can’t grab hold of anything, if your hand is already clenched in a fist.

We shouldn’t let our emotions dictate our lives, but we should listen to what our emotions are telling us about a given situation or a given relationship.  God ingrained this in us for a reason.  Our happiness is our responsibility and by assigning it to others or other things I feel is a major copout.  We can’t, nor should we try to change anyone else.  We can offer to be supportive and even from a Christian standpoint we can lead by being the light, but it isn’t our responsibility to turn that light on in others, it is their choice to see the light and decide for themselves whether or not they want to participate.

I am an includer and an encourager and sometimes this is easier to be than at other times.  I try not to get discouraged when I see a situation that I know might benefit someone and they either ignore it or just don’t see it.  It saddens me to reach out to empty air.  I’ve learned not to let it “get to me.”  My expectations are just that, mine and I can’t expect anyone else to want to live up to them.  On the occasions that I have had those expectations met, I can only describe what has amounted to extreme joy and satisfaction.  It is in those moments, that you find yourself wanting to stay connected and thus you make attempts to pursue those passions or those people.

I’ve had to learn that I’m not the one in control, God is.  The harder or tighter I try to hold onto “my” ways, the longer it takes for me to reach out and find the treasures that God has buried within me.  And just now, this idea has popped into my mind.  Our lives are full of buried treasure within us, it is up to each of us to find the map and go on our own archeological digs.  No two of us are alike (even if we are twins), we are each created by God as significant individuals.  We each possess everything we “NEED” to do our own explorations, but it is up to us, to do the work behind it.   Hmmmmm……I think I need to go get out my pick axe and start chipping away at my walls to get to my foundation to make sure it is secure!!!

Looking up!~Barb

Where does the time go?

My kids are both getting married and I’m kind of stuck in this perpetual state of unbelief!  How is it possible that they’ve grown up so quickly?  It seems as if I blinked and they were 26 and 23!  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy and excited for them, if I could only make sense of how that time just up and disappeared!  Truly it went so fast!

Yesterday, I had a fabulous day with a great friend.  We started the day by making PB&J sandwiches for the homeless, then went to the Y and did water aerobics and then somehow managed to eat a 2 ½ hour breakfast before heading to a bookstore, where we spent another hour.  We left at 5:45 am and I didn’t get home until 1:30 and it was absolutely fabulous, but again, I have no idea where the time went!  I am beginning to think I have a problem with time management!  I have to admit, I loved the freedom of just “being,” isn’t that what Saturdays are for?!  I will gladly push myself during the week, just to have this sort of day!

While eating breakfast, part of our conversation was about the passions in our lives and how we need to look back over the lists we made last summer and actually re-work them and then, more importantly start pursuing them.  These lists were based on the movie, “The Bucket List” and this is all about that issue of time dissipating before you have the opportunity to do those things you’d really enjoy or places you’d really like to see before you die.

I recently remarked to my husband about how it seems that people seem to either get sick or die, near their retirement and I then said, we needed to start “living” before we were too old, too sick or too incapacitated to be able to do so.  Not to mention, they just raised the age of retirement!  I know that we have kind of gotten ourselves in a rut with performing the household symphony, but feel that rather than being finely tuned, we are becoming a cacophony of chores.  Trips don’t have to be lengthy and expensive, well, maybe not lengthy.   I long to see the beach, before the crowds of summer take over.  I love the thrill of walking the beach at sunrise, with a cup of steaming hot coffee and I’d love to give our dogs the thrill of chasing the waves.  Years ago, right after our kids graduated college, we thought we’d buy a house at the beach.  I yearn to set up my low slung beach chair, right on the fringe of the surf and plop down in it with a great book and the aroma of Coppertone. I crave the ability to grab a boogie board and have the waves crash over me as I either ride them in or roll over top of them.  I covet watching the pull of the sea as I sip a beer as the day winds down until we finally head out for a luxurious dinner or back to the beachfront house where we would grill out.   I guess God had different ideas for us, because that was also the time the bottom dropped out of our finances and the economy went south, well further south than North Carolina!!  And that was only the beach, there are still mountains to climb, different states to explore, forests to ramble through.  I want to literally experience it all!

Then there are activities I’d really enjoy pursuing and while chatting with this friend; we were struck how similar we were in our desires of things to engage in.  I’d love to be able to sing, I play the guitar and will sing along in the privacy of my own home but even my guitar skills have faded and so, I need to re-callous my fingers in practice.  I’d love to take beautiful pictures capturing the beauty of nature as well as the wrinkles of time (literally and figuratively – just not mine!)  I’d love to write a novel and have stopped and started dozens of times.  I’ve explored the world of cooking through magazines, cooking shows and our local community college’s culinary classes.  Each spring I peruse the numerous catalogs displaying the seemingly endless displays of flowers and plants and try to emulate those gardens while planting them in the soil of clay famous in North Carolina.  Please, I do try to amend the soil, it really is brick!  While in this bookstore my friend and I remarked about all the books that intrigued us and then there is the library.  There are horses to ride, kayaks to paddle, road races to run, bike trails, not to mention snorkeling, sailing….well I guess you get the idea!

I don’t want to daydream about this; somehow, I want to incorporate this ALL into my life!  There is beauty and passion out there and we need to avail ourselves of it!  I truly don’t understand how someone misses out on knowing their passions.  I bought a “used” book at this bookstore, it was entitled “Questions worth asking Before the Ring” by William L. Coleman and it is for the kids, but I’m reading it first.  When one gets married, there are prenuptial classes that are usually required, and remembering back to my own, they were seemingly lacking, hopefully over the past 30 years, things have improved!  This book is a bit tongue in cheek, which is right up my alley; it even shows the occasional caricature which is usually funny!  Anyway, I was struck early on about a word I’ve already blogged about.  The word was intimate, which is usually a euphemism for sex, but its more accurate meaning is “soul contact”.  The opening of another chapter was about another topic I blogged about and that was how people in relationships are often like children playing games like hide and seek.  No wonder I’m liking this book, eh?  Anyway, the reason this author gives for hiding from intimacy is because of feelings of inadequacy or a sense of guilt, and then he says, we are hiding who we are…..hmmmm…..sounds like my “mask blog.”  Coleman says that we fear that when we marry, our spouses will discover what we are really like and no longer love us.  This is the stuff, I want the kids to know about, to be real, to be passionate, to know each other…..well!

My point now, as it was in those blogs, know yourself and get to know those significant others in your life, discard the masks and find the joy that God intended for our stay here on earth.  Work hard, but love with an abandon, enjoy the beauty that surrounds us and appreciate the gifts we’ve been given.  Search for God, find that intimacy with Him and others.  Time quickly moves by.  I’m not sure who coined the phrase, but it goes, life is like toilet paper, the nearer one gets to the end, the faster it goes! 

Looking up!~Barb

Hooking up!

I am in a book club and the current book being read is entitled “Garden of the Last Days” I only got through the first 40 or so pages when I decided, this book wasn’t for me.  My reading tastes have changed over the years and while I don’t sit in judgment this book was a bit too explicit of a lifestyle I don’t embrace.  The overall plot of the book is about a young single mother who has to make a living and works at a strip club.  She meets up with a "radical extremist", who condemns this lifestyle while hypocritically partaking in it.  Like I said, I only got about 40 pages into it and felt in that short period of time I needed to go wash my eyes out with soap!

From there, I went on to finish a book “Soul Custody- Choosing to care for the one and only you”.  The final chapter I was reading was entitled “Soul Address” with a sub-heading “Spiritually One.”  This I found fascinating and will share with you and I quote “Our bodies become the stories of our lives.  The wrinkles of worry on our faces show the fault lines of tension, anxiety and gnawing depression we have experienced.  Our scars reveal outer wounds and leave clues of the inner ones-the ones that often go unnoticed and unshared but still store the soul’s wear and tear.  Our joys of sexual pleasure, intimacy and oneness reflect our longing to be connected with each other in hallowed and private worship where words fail to express what the body feels.”  The author then goes on to quote from “The Message” which is a more updated version of the Bible (meaning a Bible that speaks in today’s vernacular), again quoted from 1 Cor. 6:16 -?

“There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one."

Written this way, I am struck with the phrase about being left “more lonely than ever.”  I am very much aware that in today’s society, people are “hooking up” to alleviate their physical needs without comprehending that their bodies are connected to their souls.  Either they aren’t aware of their souls or, they don’t care about them.  But, with this understanding about this connection, sexual intimacy becomes more than just an “act” it serves as the connection of body and soul with another’s body and soul and I believe it isn’t something to be entered into lightly.

Reading those first 40 pages and watching some of the shows on TV makes me feel like I’m a voyeur, when what I really am looking for is entertainment.  The thing is, the more exposure we get to this type of entertainment, the farther the parameters are pushed to show more.  I guess I would equate it to getting high, when whatever the drug of choice isn’t enough to satisfy you and you need more of it to achieve the same “high” you initially might have felt.  Just so you know, I’m not against a good love story; just leave something to the imagination!  I know the author is depicting a set of circumstances that exist in our society and it is my choice on whether or not to read it, and I chose not to, but my point isn’t that.  My point is truly about the mind/soul/body connection and it is my belief that we need to do more to establish this type of connection by teaching that sex is more than about pleasure, but about intimacy!

Unfortunately, intimacy means sharing an emotional attachment and for many that is “too” much.  We are as a society becoming more and more afraid of commitment.  I’m not sure when this happened or why this happened, but it seems to me, that having “strings” attached somehow means you are responsible for someone else’s happiness.  NOT!  Each of us is only responsible for ourselves.  In a committed relationship there are certain expectations, and if you go by the simple rule of treating others how you’d like to be treated, it certainly doesn’t seem like it is an impossibility to achieve!  The thing is, I think we have lied to ourselves for so long, that even we aren’t aware of what is the truth and we need to spend some quiet time listening to ourselves.  Again, in the book “Soul Custody” the author recommends taking a journal and setting some time aside each day and getting quiet.  He mentions the need for disciplined training in tuning out the “jeering” voices of condemnation before being able to hear God.  The idea of the journal is to write down the ideas that pop into our heads at the beginning of our quiet time.  This is an example of the “self-rejecting” lies we learn to believe about ourselves.  Examples would be: You’re fat, you’re too messed up to be able to be helped, etc.

I am aware of a relationship that just failed due to the lack of self-esteem.  Yes there was sexual intimacy, but it wasn’t a true bonding because the two people entered into it without knowing “who” they were.  At least one of these two was hurt, but in reality, I believe they were both hurt.  They both don’t know what went wrong and without spending some time reflecting on themselves as individuals, they will never get it.  Remember the line Tom Cruise used in the movie, “You complete me.”  Sounded great, but it certainly puts a lot of pressure on the other person!  We need to be complete within ourselves, not looking for our other halves!  I believe biblically it said “Two shall become one”, not two halves should become one!

I don’t have any of the answers, but I’m finally learning at 55, that it is ok to question things and that I have choices to not have to go along with the group.  Sometimes standing for principles can be lonely, but hooking up for the sake of a body only connection is also lonely and potentially devastating from disease and the ultimate betrayal of self!

“God has a different message.  God tells us it is impossible for Him to love us more.  Nothing we do, have done or will do can ever change that.  He already accepts us-we can stop striving.”

Take some time to get to really know yourself, take some time to get to really know others.  Then choose wisely.  No relationship is without its trials, but really knowing the person you’ve committed to, will allow you to work through those problems.  There is a big difference between hooking up and being committed!  The joy is in the commitment!

Looking up!~ Barb

Part of a team

As I walked around the block this morning the song “Always on Your Side” by Sheryl Crow and Sting came on my IPOD.  I love the opening lines of this song.

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

As a former physical education teacher, one thing I always tried to avoid was the “picking of teams,” by students.  I never liked this as a child, because those picked last always felt that they weren’t wanted or even more embarrassing was, if the teacher made you choose the least skilled people first.  Either way those without the skill set of the athlete felt diminished and wished to be able to hide. 

As an adult, I am still sensitive to those around me who “hide” rather than want to fully participate in life.  I had the opportunity (because I spent last week with the flu) to sit and watch a couple of my favorite movies.  One of them was “Pay it Forward.”  One of the main characters is a teacher, who has had the misfortune of being disfigured due to burns received at the hands of his abusive father.  Somewhere in his life, he learns that as long as he has his routine, it is enough and he can live.  The teacher though is a gifted teacher and his initial assignment to a 7^th grade social studies class, is the question how “they” can possibly change (affect) the world?  The young star in the movie sets out to help three people, who in turn should help three other people.  One of the three people the young man is trying to help is this teacher.  Things happen in the movie (I don’t want to give it away) and just before its conclusion; the youngster is being interviewed saying that his idea didn’t seem to work all the time, because sometimes it is just too hard for some people.  Some people can only stay “stuck” in their routines, survival is all they’ve got, or so they think….

And that is where the song kicks in for me, we are all waiting to be picked to play and when our names are finally called, we find a place to hide.  Why do we hide?  What are we afraid of?  I believe that this is a result of some sort of conditioning.  You might attempt to “do” whatever and the first time out of the gate you aren’t very good at it, but instead of trying again, you become upset with your skill set or lack thereof and don’t try again.  Life can hand you different trials and all too often rather than share in each other’s lives we try to live as though nothing can get to us and holed up, nothing can!  We in essence hide, rather than be founding lacking.  The thing is the only skill set necessary is honesty and the desire to try.  I too wished to be picked, but find myself warming the bench instead.  I keep trying and must be quite naïve in not being able to read some of the signals because I don’t want to stop trying.

Having just spent the weekend with my parents, I am struck with the need to do what my Mom is doing, before her dementia renders her unable to connect.  When I walked in, she wrapped me in a fierce hug and kept saying over and over, “I love you, I love you!”  It is as if she is making up for lost time, she wants to assure me (us) about her feelings.  She later told me about this “friend” she has, whom she needs to connect with to let her know that she is loved.  As she ages and has buried many a friend, she is trying with all her might to hang onto those she cares about, knowing she is slipping away.  Dementia is cruel!

I too feel time is slipping away.  Too soon, the memories do get all boxed up!   I too want to convey to those I care about that having buried a friend, I know that you can’t replace the time, the love and you can’t hug the memory or have it hug you back!  I look for ways to invite those I care about to share in my moments of joy, I pick those to play the game and sometimes they just can’t play, but I want them to know, I’m always on their side!

Looking up!~ Barb