Friendology

I haven’t blogged in awhile and although I have started some, most of them wind up on the trash heap, because they haven’t been flowing freely.  I’m not sure why I’m having this block at the moment, it isn’t for lack of material, but maybe more lack of time.  I usually do my morning readings at about 6 a.m. and then segue into my writings, but since taking a job 2 weeks ago, I now find I only have the time for the readings.  By the time I get home at night, my thoughts are so scrambled, nothing comes out sounding right.

So, let’s try my umpteenth one this week…..

“ology”  in medical termin(ology) the “y” at the end of the word means the process of, the rest of it means the study of – so, combined it means the process of study of whatever the prefix is.  So, I’d like to create a new word – “Friendology” – the process of the study of relationships.

This morning I was reading about relationships and how so many of us enter into them with unreal expectations.  These expectations or fantasies can be in regard to our spouses, our children, our friends and even our jobs.  I have heard people talking about being disillusioned and lost and feel it goes even deeper than that, more like they are disillusioned with life.

In one of the devotionals I read, the following thought was presented …..”and they lived happily ever after is one of the most tragic sentences in literature because it tells a falsehood about life and it has led countless generations of people to expect something from human existence that is not possible on this fragile, failing, imperfect earth.”  Joshua Loth Liebman

Wow, that’s quite a mouthful and it isn’t easily digestable.  As my children enter marriage, I hope they are able to view the relationship their father and I have, as the imperfect but real model of marriage.  We have had many happy years, but we have also had years where we struggled and sometimes those struggles involved hurt feelings and anger.  Ultimately though, my husband and I have and continue to work through those struggles. 

In every relationship, marriage, parenthood, friendships……each party brings something to the table.  Unfortunately the idea of what looks like something, (acts, smells, tastes) like something does not always reveal the true thing.  Huh?  Let me simplify – when you come to the table, do you bring the real you, or the person you think the other person wants you to be?  Because this is what I think the real problem is.  We don’t come to the table as ourselves, but instead as a concept or an idea.  Add to that, that the other person is making decisions based on “who” shows up and they also have to deal with the rose-colored glasses they have on.

Dealing first with the “masked” persona – anytime we are less than honest we invite trouble to ourselves.  This is the core of disillusionment.  Who are we?  It is very easy to point the proverbial finger of blame at someone else for whatever problem we are encountering, but somewhere at some time, we need to take a look at ourselves.  There is a particular relationship that has me befuddled at the moment.  I’m not quite sure what the problem is, other than I feel like I’ve done something wrong (and I’m not prone to false guilt).  In reviewing the situation though, I am aware that I am not the only one who seems to be having difficulty in the relationship.  Sometimes in review we have to look first at ourselves, but then also at the other dynamics.  People constantly change, but if you find that you are having a problem with more than one person, the problem might not be the other people, but might just be you.  Who wants to admit that?  Believe me, self incrimination isn’t fun, but sometimes is necessary!

Secondly, the rose-colored glasses we have the tendency to wear make us think all the people in our lives will fall into the line-up just the way we want them to. Well, I don’t know about you, but that isn’t happening for me!  What do we do, when our perfect scenarios don’t meet with reality? Too often, these scenarios lead to resentments, which left unresolved cause breakdowns in relationships.  Who’s to blame?  Well, both parties actually.  We should never enter a relationship thinking we will be able to change someone and we also shouldn’t make the mistake thinking those people we are in relationships with can read our minds!  Relationships require work and that isn’t always fun!  You can re-work the phrase “work”  rationalizing anything you want, but it still boils down to relationships needing time and energy…..YOURS!  If this isn’t an investment you want to make, then why is it any surprise when it isn’t “WORKing!”

I don’t have the answers, I’ve got a bunch more questions though.  Relationships go through evolution, hence the poem entitled “Reasons, seasons, lifetime.’  The basis for this poem is that people come into our lives for “time periods.”  When I embark on a relationship, my goal is always long term, to me, anything less is pointless; unfortunately goals are not always met and for me, when these goals aren’t met, I find myself in a state of mourning.  People I’m finding (myself included) are basically selfish.  They do what they do to meet their own needs, and while they may not always satisfy their needs first, they’d be foolish to stay in a relationship that isn’t of some benefit to them.  Not too jaded sounding, right?!  So why bother?  Because we were created to be relational beings, that’s why!

There is only one relationship that withstands the rigors of our impairments and that is with God.  If He is at the center, if we strive to keep Him foremost in our thoughts, then ALL other relationships have the possibility of success.  With God at our center, we can’t be (self-centered).  This allows for relationships (and all of life) to flow without getting bogged down in our selfish desires.  We can’t be all things to all people, but God can.  It is sometimes hard to believe, or for some maybe even to hear, that they aren’t God, but it’s true. 

Navigating the relational waters has always been a study in perseverance for me.  In some areas I’ve failed, in others, they have failed, but in each failure, I gain knowledge.  If we don’t cycle through our lives, learning we remain static.  I believe relational evolution is about the process of moving forward, even though we may not want to.  We grow older, not younger, we get smarter, not dumber (although sometimes we act it).  I never want to be misconstrued as saying I “use” people as proverbial steps on a ladder.  I’m not climbing to achieve a particular goal but I am learning to be a better relational person (at least that is my hope!)

Looking up!

Barb