Have you ever felt inadequate? Will you even admit to it? I will! My blog is just a written account of the things that swirl through my brain and either beg me or dare me to write about them. Sometimes the content makes me uncomfortable, but only when I let myself care that someone might think less of me because of what I have written. Other times I feel that in reading what is written, someone else might have the insight into their own thoughts and realize that they aren’t so alone in them. See I have the “cracked pot” mentality, meaning that God’s light has been placed inside of me and if my outer shell is “perfect” then none of His light can shine through. However, if my imperfections or cracks in my veneer are readily available to see, then His light is able to be displayed.
Back to feeling inadequate…..why is it so important for us to appear to be more than what it is we feel inside? The only difference between someone who is successful and someone who isn’t is that the one who is successful mastered their fear of being inadequate. That is not to say that they still don’t have moments where they feel unsure of themselves, but instead that they taken the challenge of the situation and said “I’ll give it a try.” The person who feels unsuccessful thinks of all of the reasons that they can’t and therefore never makes the attempt.
Anyone reading this might think that based on what is written above that I fall into the more confidant role and that would be a complete and utter misconception. Unfortunately, I find myself sticking to the familiar, which is not working for me, rather than seeing the bridge and stepping foot on the path that can lead me to the unknown. See, my trust is in me and I am sorely found lacking.
This begs the question of why and the only answer I can come up with is that somewhere along the line, I learned to fear confrontation, anger, abandonment or being left out. I learned that by going with the flow, I could more or less be guaranteed a certain outcome and I could therefore deal with the pain I know rather than the pain I don’t know. Who the heck taught me this? No, I’m not blaming my parents, or family. In fact, I think that this is just one of those societal encounters that wear away at us as we age, especially if we are the more sensitive types.
Yesterday, a friend was telling me about how stressed she is feeling in regard to the lack of time she has to be able to “live” her life. She feels as if she is under constant pressure at work, then she comes home to do everything else in her life some of which includes housework, paying bills, exercising etc. She feels choked by stress and the only way to “de-stress” is to unload something. Well, the thing she decided to unload was some of the time she and I spend exercising together – which at 5-6 times a week may seem like a lot. And it is, but if you are going to exercise anyway? What she is unhappy with is not our doing it together, but about the regimen we chose to adhere to. Well that seems simple enough to fix, but not really. See we both set goals to lose weight in a set amount of time and unfortunately without the accountability factor in place, well, just suffice it to say, we tend to cheat. I can totally understand her situation and do not hold any animosity but will miss the time spent together.
Do you remember back in the day when they’d show on TV a girl being asked out on a date, and it was not something she really wanted to do, but she didn’t want to hurt the guy, so she’d say, “oh, I’m sorry, I can’t …..I have to wash my hair?” Well, now we’ve substituted that with “I have to clean my house.” Really?! Can you think of excuses you have used? What we are really saying is that we need time alone; time to not be accountable to anyone, time maybe even to hear the still, small voice of God. Why is it we just can’t come out and say that? Week in and week out, we are on a treadmill, get up go to work, come home make dinner, watch TV, while reading face book or emails and then collapse into bed, to get up the next day and do it all over again. Somehow I don’t see the correlation between this and being relational. Is that living or existing? I KNOW that this economy sucks; I am dealing first hand with the lack of income and try as I am, and I am not finding the job of my dreams or for that matter, even my nightmares. I hate the fact that I am at polar opposites with those I’d like to be friends with meaning they have no time and I have too much of it. I’m not even sure if they understand that this is a major source of my feelings of inadequacy. Who cares? Or maybe the question is why they should?
It is interesting to note, that in my past experience, when Nancy got sick, one of the things that made her feel sad was that others continued on in their lives with an abandonment that she was no longer able to feel. It was the same when her son died. Her world was rocked, never to be the same and yet, everyone else kept on living. I can’t say this is wrong necessarily, but not everyone takes notice or if they do, it is for a time and then time marches on and then it is as if they forget. I feel that what it really is is that they either feel inadequate in wanting or knowing how to deal with the situation OR as stated when my nephew said prior to dying…. “I’m still me, I’m not contagious,” we are afraid of “catching whatever it is they have.
I am not generally given to depression, but these past few years have taken a toll on my soul, making me very aware of the human psyche. Beat it down enough, and it either learns to stay down or seeks a source of strength beyond that which is human. I am hoping that all that I am going through (and writing about) will be directional to survival based on a trust in God, when trust in everyone and everything else has proven untrustworthy. I do not look for sympathy, but I am truly developing an empathetic heart for others, especially those who are holding on for dear life in positions of fear, whether they are working or not. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t “worry” and am now finding that this is the area God wants me working on. It is funny, and not “funny” in the ha, ha sense, but in the abnormal sense, that what it is I fear, is fear. There is no hiding from it anymore. But I do have a choice, either it wins or I do. When the bottom drops out in life, you either eat worms or start climbing, but first you have to recognize where you are ;even when you don’t want to!
None of us knows the outcome of our stories, but let me say this: If you aren’t in a relationship with God, when the bottom drops out in your life, you will feel a loss so deep you won’t know where to start looking. I don’t say that lightly, I’ve been there, so I’m speaking from experience. Secondly, sometimes you think you’ve learned the lesson only to find that the bottom drops out again. This can make us resentful or start us on the blame trail. If you find yourself on the grudge trail, you might as well let it go, because the only one losing sleep over whatever it is that hurt you, is YOU! We may want to lash out even passive aggressively, meaning you adopt the “I won’t call them until they call me” mentality, well, my advice to this is – do this, but be prepared that, that may very well be the last time you hear from them. There is only one way to navigate from the bottom and that is UP! I will end with “Forgiveness is the willingness to live with the consequences of another’s sin.” Jesus did this, can we?
Looking up!~
Barb
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