Grief month 11

Trifecta – did I spell it right on first try?  I believe this is a horse racing term to mean placing a bet of three varying situations.  Well, I’m know I’m not the only one, but this past year is close to being a trifecta of loss.  I don’t mean to make this sound so pathetic, for it is what it is and in the end, I am truly happy for those who have the opportunity to move onto God’s heavenly realm; but for those of us left behind, I can only say that the mystery of numbness is quite profound.

Life at this point is a whirling dervish, things happen all around you and God comforts you with His Grace and as is stated a peace that defies understanding and whether it be one or more losses, I can honestly say that it is like being in a protective bubble.  The protection afforded isn’t so much that life and its circumstances stop, but the lossee, and in this case me, walks a path of awareness but not of absorption.  Have you seen the OFF clip-on commercial?  The one where once you clip the OFF to your belt, the shield goes up and the mosquitos dive and then crash into it, never getting the opportunity to use you as their food source?

I am coming upon the year anniversary of hugging my husband into God’s heaven.  Five months later via the phone I wished my Dad a joyful journey into peace.  Now six months later, we are trying to pry my Mom’s fingers from this life to let her grasp the hand of God.  All this while trying to navigate the sale of our childhood home and our lives as we use to know them.  The key is not to try to understand this, but to accept the peace of God as He administers it to you and He does, IF you are open to it.  This seems simple enough, but let me assure you, it is anything but.  The enemy laughs at your vulnerability and is anything but kind when he searches and destroys you through guilt, and remorse.

Death changes you.  You feel regret for time lost.  The things you deemed important are not so important.  REALLY!  It is unfortunate that we spent so much time trying to grab the brass ring instead of seizing the golden moments!  Once the moment has passed, it is gone.  No, I’m not trying to depress anyone and if that is what you are taking from this, I’m truly sorry.  The point I am trying to get across is that God has fashioned miracles every day for us to seek and find.  Like the word search though, they are not always obvious, one has to look.  In the bubble, you understand this from a perspective differing from others, but understanding it does not always afford you the wherewithal to be able to achieve this.

What I miss the most is time.  Time well spent.  For sixteen years I was blessed to have been able to work every day with my husband, in a business that he was passionate about.  There were simple pleasures of watching him in his element, creating beauty for others in their homes.  For many, they wondered how it was possible for us to work together day in and day out, many stating that they don’t believe they would have ever been able to do so.  I miss this daily-ness.  Death is not singularly missing one aspect, but instead an incomprehensible set of aspects (spouse, friend, confidante, caregiver, utility person, financial advisor, lawn maintenance, hugger, support giver, life sustainer, comic relief, the person that knows you best where words don’t have to be spoken, etc. etc.etc.) all rolled up in one and this is just in one scenario specific to me with Bruce.  Six years ago, when his sister, Nancy, who was my best friend died, I lost different aspects. 

I know that as time passes, the ache of loneliness I endure will change. No, it won’t go away, but it will change in its nature.  I know that God has a plan for me, one that I keep trying to make sense of and am probably limiting Him because of my refusal to let go and let Him work His way through me.  Some say time “heals” all wounds, but just as Paul asked God to remove the “thorn” from his side, God instead said, “No, My Grace is sufficient for you,” I too with time, will be better able to bear the scars of love.

Love is the key to living a rewarding life.  We want our way, but love doesn’t gets its way.  I just re-read 1 Corinthians v13 4:8.  These words so often spoken at weddings are so simple they seem overlooked.  “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”

Wouldn’t we all like our scorecards to read with a resounding yes to all of that written above.  I know I wish(ed) mine would have!  I can only go forward from today and try to live this way…ONE DAY at a TIME.

Looking….

Barb