Opening Pandora's box

I was looking through some old drafts and found this.....it may be a year old, but its core is still pertinent.

A whole lot of soul-searching has been going on and this morning I finally hit upon the core elements that I had been hiding from.  I read a devotional challenging us to look at our fears and then give them over to God.  The thing was I have always tried to hide from my fears, if fear is even the right word.  So here goes – this is what I came up with…..I question and doubt the reason, I lack the trust and I seem to not believe, but I want to, or at least I say I do!  Are these the words of a mid-life crisis?  Of a menopausal momma?  Of an unbeliever?  Maybe all three, even if I don’t want them to be representative of me!  All summer long, a friend and I have been going through the various letters of Paul to the different peoples he visited.  I don’t know why it is in Galatians that I finally hit upon his journey in a parallel way to my life, until I read the passage about the outset of his journey in Christianity.  Paul, you see, initially went off by himself for a period of three years to pray and study.  He didn’t seek the counsel of anyone, including the pillars of the Christian faith.  I have failed in this part of my journey, instead looking for someone to just give me the answer to that which I seek.

Plus/minus 6 years ago, I would say I had what I would call my mountain top experience.  I had made brief excursions to a Christian base camp before, but had really never scaled the mountain and who knows; maybe I’m just flirting with another base camp, just a bit higher up the elevation.  I’m sharing, not as an end in a search for an outpouring of empathy, but because in some fashion or another, I’ve labeled myself a communicator.

To take the first item mentioned, I question and doubt the reason.  My journey up to this point has been what I would like to think is a quest to help others, but is it?  Last night I was speaking with a friend and she went on about how I seem to have a passion for wanting to help others.  Yes, this is what I want to believe is my passion, but the more emphasis that was placed on this, the more I started hearing this nagging voice in my brain saying…..tell them the real reason and see what they think then.  The reason I would say that I question and doubt my reasoning's, is because I am able to take satisfaction of a job (hopefully) well done.  Is it really my desire to help, or is it really more of a desire to fulfill my ego for praise?  Certainly I try to deflect the accolades as being afforded opportunities presented to me by God, but…..and there is that but.  When I was placed in the position of caregiver, I felt “alive” which seems to be a “sick” thought, especially when the person I was caring for was going through what she was going through.  No I never felt like I could “fix” it, it was more the aspect of being needed and making a difference that stoked me.  At a recent seminar honoring Hospice volunteers, a 30 year volunteer who was 94 stated that we all should be pursuing our passions.  Life is short and if we aren’t pursuing what it is that makes us happy, and then we need to make a change and find out what will.  Sage advice isn’t it?  But at whose expense?

Well, I took the “leap of faith” or so I thought and went back to school last year and obtained my CNA license.  It has been downhill ever since.  I don’t know, maybe I’m too limited.  My intent was that once I had this license, I wanted to work with oncology patients or hospice, and the reason was to allow them the opportunity to not have to “wear the mask” of pretending that things are alright, if they aren’t.  I wanted to be the person who would listen and not judge, but instead make them feel valued and cared for.  Who am I to think I can do all that?  I say it is supposed to be about them, but is it really about a deep-seated need of my own?  I’ve been frustrated in my attempts to pursue this and now wonder if this part of the journey was a detour I chose to take, rather than follow God’s plan.  The same friend I was talking to last night, was mentioning how God was seemingly opening doors for her as she pursued her God directed path.  So, if doors aren’t opening for me am I not trying hard enough, or are they not the doors or the path that God wanted me on in the first place?!

Point two – I lack the trust.  When things don’t go the way I expect them to, I get thrown for a loop.  Perhaps too easily.  Have I ever really had to dig my heels in and fight for something I wanted?  While in college, I wanted to change my major to nursing, but when they told me I had to start over, I caved and didn’t pursue it.  I think the lesson I learned was not to challenge authority because it might cost me something.  Well, guess what…..what it cost me was a regret, which is a heck of a lot more expensive than what those two years would have cost back then.  But back then, while my parents were paying for my education, I thought it was selfish of me to want to change my mind, I never considered that at 18 I might just not know everything and that changing one’s mind is a normal part of growing up.  Instead, that money was wasted; yes I finished and got my degree, but in essence never pursued it as a passion.  When my own children were forced with this same scenario, my advice was to hold off as long as possible declaring their major, but if they decided that a change was what was necessary, to then just do it.  Now, well maybe not for some, but for me at age 55, taking two years (away from bringing in any income – which I’m not doing anyway, so then to be adding financial strain to our struggling financial picture) is once again viewed as a selfish thing to be doing, not to mention the fear of failure especially in trying to take tests.  Wow, this negative attitude won’t get me any place but stuck in the same rut I feel I am in! Waa, waa, waa!

Trust is the belief in the integrity of someone or something.  The ability to reason that the person/thing can be relied upon.  Well, not to belabor the point, but I’ve had my share of let downs and unfortunately find myself cynical at this point.  It is easier to be skeptical than to ask someone for help or to depend on something.  Too many people say yes, when they mean no and many times it is wrapped up in our own selfishness.

I say I want to believe, but do I?  This summer we went to a Beth Moore Bible study weekend and her studies have the recurring themes of: To know God, to believe Him, to trust Him, to find our rest in Him and enjoy His Presence.  But do I?  I’d have to say no.  Well, I am all about wanting to do that…. in the moment.  Now, if I could just have the wherewithal to let those thoughts stay with me all day.  I get it that we are to put on the armor daily, that the battle(s) we face are not in the physical world (but I still feel beat up anyway) but in the spiritual realm.  I need to literally visualize this as I get dressed for my day, and then again when I change my clothes to work out and then again when I go to bed.  Unfortunately, try as I may, the day’s activities get in my way.

In the Bible, Job has friends that in the midst of his chaos, initially do nothing but more or less sit Shiva with him.  After a few days of this quiet support, they start to admonish Job as to the reasons he is being persecuted.  Job retorts back, that he has done nothing to “irritate” God, that he is innocent of any and all wrongdoings, yet these friends persist.  Finally, the youngest of the friend speaks up and disputes the other friends, finally God intervenes and asks in essence to Job the question “Who are you, to question Me?”

I do not feel that I am anyone “special” asking God to grant me special favors.  More or less, I am writing once again from a position of communication.  A former neighbor of mine, one I considered to be a Christian, and that was solely based on her playing the organ for various churches(?!)committed suicide some 6 years ago.  I did not know her that well, but I regret that I feel she didn’t have someone she felt she could share what it was that was going on in her life.  My uncle also tried suicide, but was left blind in his attempt.  None of us goes through life unscathed.  I don’t believe any of us escape the periods in life where we feel we may be the only one in the world having the thoughts I just shared.  For some, to admit to these thoughts would be sharing too much, for in sharing you can’t hide any longer.  And we question if we are ready to move, or even if it is safe to do so.

So….now what?  Why did I regurgitate all this?  A friend last night made me see me as I didn’t want to see myself.  Each and every time she said that I was passionate about caring for others, I felt like a fraud because if that were true, my feelings wouldn’t be having such a great impact on my performance (or lack of one).  What she in essence did was to make the fear that I had been trying to cover, be one that I have to reckon with.  This morning I started, the first thing was a prayer that God expose that which is a sin, and then help me overcome it.  This required for me to admit to the lies I had been hiding behind, to expose it to His truth and now to hand it over to Him, thereby releasing it.  On my way to work I was literally in tears as I listened to the radio.  Some of the lines from the songs I heard God being powerful and a healer, then the song with the lyrics “but you love me anyway” and finally “That’s what faith can do.”

Have I reached a decision?  Only to continue exposing my untruths to His light.  I still feel I want to “help” people, maybe I need to broaden my scope to see that hands-on care isn’t where He wants me.  I’ve referenced communication a few times, and I already represent a product I believe in, maybe it is about time I allow for the union to exist between them.  This requires a leap of faith beyond what I think I am capable of….but ultimately, who do I want in control?! 

What about your journey?

Looking up~!

Barb