Identity Crisis

Each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made by God.  Do we truly recognize this?  Or do we look at others comparing ourselves and always coming out on the short end of the stick?  Do we then further that error in judgment and complain to God (the molder of the lump of clay that we are) that He gave so and so, better attributes?!

I have recently found myself in positions of compromise and comparisons.  I remember reading a book several years back about the way to achieve success.  Besides just having a spirit of adaptability, it suggested I find a mentor to embrace whose method of achieving success was one I  could emulate and then to go and pursue that method.  I think I must have skipped what should have been a big part of that message because the only way for true success is in making that method your own.  Copying anything usually winds up as a cheap imitation for the real thing – I don't know about you, but it does for me!

When I went to college to become a physical education teacher, I based my decision to pursue that career based on my athleticism and on the teachers/coaches I looked up to.  While I had the knowledge, what I found out part way through, was that I no longer had the passion for the field.  I graduated with the degree and eventually taught.  But what I found out was that the lack of passion I felt in college in regard to that particular field was still evident.  But part of me is/was a perfectionist and I looked to those I was working with, and put that success quotient I mentioned above into practice.  I had some very good role models, but what I found out was that I felt like a farce and if you know anything about kids, they can “out” a fake a mile away.  With the staff, I was organize and professional but with the kids I felt a serious disconnect.  In fact, I felt like I was babysitting, not teaching and that had never been my preference!  I love kids….my own and there are some others I also enjoy, but on a day to day basis, teaching was not about imparting knowledge as much as it was about coddling.  And I was teaching at a private school!!!  Add to that the politics that were involved….I lasted about 3 years and don’t miss it in the least.

But that still left me in a quandray to what my calling was!  My husband and I opened our own business – we design and sell kitchens.  Hubby is a very gifted designer and loves sales.  Me, not so much!  Oh, he taught me to design and that is fun, while you are busy, but the sales end of it is not my forte.  Last night I finally said to him, I do not like trying to close the sale.  Um……this took me exactly 15 years to finally admit.  I’m all about the education of the product I just don’t feel persuasive enough to ask people to depart with their money!

So many years later, I do have an understanding of my God given “gift.”  My “gift” if you will, is in caring.  My husband made a pretty astute remark the other night and I’ve shared it with a few friends…..some people are paid to care, I want to be able to care and get paid.  So how does one recognize their gift?  It’s easy.  You will recognize it is the “gift” when you feel “alive” while pursuing it.  Describe alive?  When time passes and you have no idea of it, when what you are doing isn’t about you so much as it is about what you are doing.  I only know this, because I have felt it and I’m now trying to embrace it and move in that direction.

But once again, I was met with a detour.  Once again, I feel I am trying to be the square peg trying to fit into the round hole. I feel I’m being shown how to follow a model of success, but balking at wanting to walk that path.  So why would I go this route, when my heart seems to be going elsewhere?  Good question.  And the answer is because I’m letting friends steer me, instead of looking to God as my GPS.  I have a great friend who wants me to be part of her team and initially I said yes, because at the time I wanted to be open to all possibilities, besides she made it seem so easy.  What I found was that I was quickly out of my comfort zone and out of my sphere of influence, but if I embraced the model of success, I would be able to overcome my inadequacies.  Here’s the thing though, I’m back to the same place I was when I was teaching and to boot, I’m having to learn how to “close” sales.  Um……what part am I not looking at?!!!

Somehow in my friend’s view and I will admit with my own voice I have said, I want to help others and she, being the dear friend that she is, hears what I am saying, but from her viewpoint.  And that is the position we all hear from……our particular context!  So, she has mentioned repeatedly about how much fun she is having pursuing her brand and seeing some of our similarities means that I should have the same fun if I gave this a chance.  Well, I am giving it a chance, just not on a grand scale and I’m feeling the same way I felt when I taught and that is like a phony. 

There is nothing wrong with me, as long as I am true to me.  Another thing I realized was that I like operating on a small scale.  Some people are meant to be movers and shakers on a large scale, meaning that their sphere of influence is grander.  Mine I learned is not.  A friend and I cook breakfast for the homeless at a local church.  She would like to take a try at serving the actual food we prepare, me, I’m content to stay behind the scenes, I’m just a behind the scenes type person.  One is not better than the other…just different and that is ok.

Want to know two of the best compliments I ever received?  One was that what I was doing I was natural at (I happened to be doing caregiving and while I did hear this same thing from my instructor and appreciated this, it was the evaluator who also made this remark while I was taking my test.  One did not hold greater significance over the other, but the instructor by that point had also become my friend, which shouldn’t negate the outcome…..over analyzed!!)  The other compliment was that I made this one person “feel” and it referenced something I had written to her.  The essence is that I was able to “reach” someone where they were rather than on a grand scale.  In education, I always hoped for these type of light bulb moments, when a person connects and finally "gets" something.  It is from this vantage point, I feel I can then further advance whether it be about a particular product or more importantly about a relationship with God.  But first I feel you have to know your audience and meet them where they are.  Someone else looking at my methodology might just say I like to play it safe.  And they wouldn’t be wrong.  But once again I say, this is the way God molded me and I’ve decided to start embracing that.  I don’t need anyone’s permission and that is the point I’m finally learning.

You too are fearfully and wonderfully made and if our paths should cross I’d love the opportunity to know you better.  I’m all about fun and good times, but I’m tired of gimmicks and games that are supposed to make me into a clone of whatever it is society is viewing as the next best thing!  I might not be perfect, but in God’s eyes, I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be. So I say to myself and to any others reading this,  Celebrate you, by remembering who and Whose you are!

Looking up! ~ Barb