Connected?

Does anyone else notice that we have found more and more ways to be attached without being connected?  Email, texting, instant messaging, face book, tweeting, and blogging – oops….All of these methods offer a screen of semi-detachment, meaning you can decide to not “log” on, if you choose.  My husband and I go to church on Saturday evenings and during the announcements, they were talking about our need to be connected in small groups or as they term them “life groups.”  Our church is pretty big and the idea of church is not just to come together weekly and look/listen to one person speaking and the back of a lot of other heads, but instead to meet in small groups (even Jesus had a small group – the 12 disciples!).  This does not mean that you don’t come to church, but more that “church” isn’t just a one day event (be it Saturday or Sunday), but the opportunity to meet more often.  The small group is also that set of people who are then available to you in a more personal way to do service projects with, to socialize with and to stand by your side when you encounter life’s joys and hardships.  Our church recognizes through its sheer size that the pastoral staff can’t meet everyone’s individual needs at the same time, although they do offer a host of programs for the various needs out there.

That said, Bruce and I go to church, and sit in the same seats or one row behind, where we normally would sit, based on whether or not we get there first.  Comically, another couple we chat with every week, also try for these seats!  BTW, the church has stadium seating like in a movie theatre and just for the record, we like these people!  When it is all said and done though, we really don’t know anyone at this church, mainly because of its size and added to that, Bruce and I aren’t involved in other aspects like choir, ushering, greeting etc.  Again, the church recognizes that this is all too often the case and is the reason they suggest these small groups.

Here’s the thing though.  People are busy, and we are no exception.  My feeling is that instead of joining a “new” small group, I would just like to take “my” group of friends and do this same thing.  To me a “life” group is about sharing your “life,” and that doesn’t just mean the pretty parts of it.  To make the life group work though, you have to start with some basic parameters and for me that means you have to share a common thread or attitude.   It doesn’t mean that you can’t have differing opinions about things, but that you agree about some of the basics. 

The main point being that we need to have people in our lives!  People who agree to stand by us, no matter what.  We need to reach out and connect, not just through the “convenient” methods of technology, but through face to face contact.  Some say, well, that is what family is for and while I agree to a point, I worry about “dumping” my problems on my children and their taking them on, without the benefit of maturity, not to mention that those in close proximity to the problem may either be part of the problem or too close to be able to grasp its magnitude.  I have seen firsthand a child take on the very same characteristics that one parent is trying to share about the other parent!  Do we really want to pit ourselves against our spouse in front of our kids?  Our kids want and need to be able to love us both and they feel uncomfortable hearing whatever diatribe one parent has against the other!   People in our own age bracket, may have had similar life experiences, and those younger or older can also offer perspective, but those not connected by family can safely offer suggestions being that one step removed and not so closely invested! 

Back in the day, neighbors were probably the essence of the life group.  I remember when the neighbors got together using one set of plans and a case of beer and they built one back porch after another right down the street.  To this day, those porches still stand and funny enough, most of these people are still neighbors.  No they didn’t agree on everything, but they certainly did help one another out and still continue to do so.  This is what I feel has been lost in our society with our impersonal “connections” and what I feel our church is trying to re-establish!

What say you?  Are you connected?

Looking up!~Barb

Listening

Do you ever wonder if anyone is listening?  No, I’m not soliciting for responses to my blog, I am truly wondering in all the noise surrounding us, if what we are saying is getting across.  I work as a kitchen designer and I had two potential clients in today.  We were discussing their project and they are requesting pricing quickly, and I really want to give it to them, however, I want to give them the right price!  I have a 50/50 chance at getting this job and if my pricing isn’t to their liking, I lose the opportunity to win the job.

Here’s the thing, I can give them pricing, but what I found in looking at the job, was that whoever did the original layout, didn’t account for some pretty important design elements.  Re-doing a kitchen can be an expensive endeavor, so if you are going to embark on this journey, you want to make sure that the end result is also going to be one that is aesthetically pleasing as well as functional, it isn’t just about the price!  In this particular case, one major design flaw has one cabinet looking like a matchstick and the cabinet adjacent to it, having double doors.  It is simple enough to add the sizes together and divide it in half and wind up with a more desirable look of symmetry.  That way you get the look and the function!  Another element involved was a cabinet she didn’t need because she was going with a chimney style hood.  There were other design questions, but the bottom line was I am going to be able to save them money by pricing this job according to what it is they really want.  And, that takes listening, because sometimes people don’t know what they want.  They just want it all!

We have a habit of talking, nonstop, but what are we really saying?  And, how is our point getting across?  If I say I want to learn to cook, but never avail myself to the opportunities that would allow that to happen, do I really want what I say I want?  There are cooking schools, cookbooks, cooking shows – all within my means, but I have to mean what I say and say what I mean in order for my desire to come to fruition.  Unfortunately what I think happens is that we spend our time trying to figure out what someone else wants us to say and then we try to do our best to meet it.  And we fail because the person didn’t mean what they said and the other is fulfilling something that wasn’t really meant to be!

Listening involves closing your mouth and opening not just your ears, but your eyes and your heart.  One of my favorite shows is “Lie to Me.”  While this is a fictional show, there is some truth to the mannerisms they speak about.  Whether or not we are aware of it, people can read what we are saying without our even opening our mouths.  Our expressions, our gestures, our body stature all give clues to our stories, so this is why our eyes are necessary.  Our hearts are needed, so when we hear with our ears, our hearts can absorb what is being said as well as what might not being said.  I have a friend who keeps telling me she is fine, and she did a pretty good job of convincing me, but my heart wasn’t convinced and by the way, no, she is not fine!

In casual conversation we ask, “How are you?”  Do you really want the answer?  If I’m asking, I do!  And not the standard, fine how are you?  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.  Have you ever had the experience whereby someone says “we’ll have to get together” and it never happens?  To some, it is just an easy way to part company gracefully.  It really screws with your mind though, especially if you are waiting for the next get together. 

Relationships are difficult enough without the game playing.  Why lead someone on if you aren’t really interested in them?  Is it a power thing?  Is it just until someone better comes along or a better opportunity?  I don’t get it!  No wonder we are so messed up!  I want healthy relationships!  The best advice I can give anyone is BE YOU! 

If you aren’t honest with yourself, if you don’t love yourself FIRST, how can you ever expect any relationship to survive?  The first step in listening is listening to yourself and lining up your words with God’s truths!  If you are genuine, people will see that and will respond in kind!  Listening is easy, if you are interested!  The key is taking the focus off of you and placing it on the one speaking!  Hear what is being said, but don’t be thinking of your answer while they are still talking, because then you aren’t really listening.

Finally, when you are the one talking…..come up for air and let the other person have a chance to let you know that they have heard what you’ve said!  The greatest gift you can give someone is to acknowledge what they have said, even if the acknowledgement comes somewhere down the line!

Looking up!~Barb

Chat?

Do you recognize the difference between talking to or having a conversation with someone?….Talking to sounds like it can be deflective, as if a shield can be put up.  I envision an old fashion trashcan lid lifted by its handle, with the underside of the lid pointed in the direction of the one who is talking TO me.  While it just might be semantics, the idea of having a conversation WITH someone sounds much more appealing to me, because it sounds like it will be an exchange of ideas instead of a directional flow of words (TO, or AT).

If you ever want to know if you are getting through, first determine which speech pattern you are using.  To take this one step further, have you ever had a conversation with God?  I believe that that is really what prayer is supposed to be, a conversation!  Do you chat with God or have a litany of "I want" or "I need" questions?  We saw a very telling “movie” clip in church the other day; they used the idea of a modern day prayer with Jesus taking place in a coffee shop.   The actor portraying Jesus is sitting waiting in the coffee shop, anticipating the arrival of His friend.  She breezes in late, like a whirling dervish, already going on about how she is sorry she is late, what was going on etc.  Finally she sits down and coffee is ordered.  Again, she starts in immediately going to requests, I would like this, and pray for that, and oh and so and so needs this.  This goes on for like an hour and it was an ADD one way conversation on a highly caffeinated level.  When she finally comes up for air, and just as the actor portraying Jesus, is about to speak, she looks down at her watch and says, “Oh my, look at the time, I’ve gotta go.” And off she goes.  Isn’t that an example of talking “to” someone?

We unfortunately don’t come with “user” manuals.  Too bad, I believe we all need them!  Everyone wants to be "loved" in a certain way, but unfortunately we don’t share how we'd like that to occur.  We expect others to read our minds.  We run a 50/50 chance of putting our needs out there and having them met, but if we don’t put them out there, we run a 100% chance of having them NOT met!  Same thing when we have a conversation with God.  Too many of us don’t “ask”, we “tell” God what we want.  The thing I’ve learned about conversations with God is that He can have 3 answers – Yes, No, or Wait.  And the thing with His answers, they are about the ultimate good and about His will.  What if what you want is mediocre in comparison to what He has planned in answer to your request?  Again, can you picture day after day, week after week just asking a friend for something you think you want or need, but never giving them a chance to answer?

I’m a parent.  When the kids were young and did bonehead things (yes they did), they would get a “talking to” and sometimes a thump on the backside!  Think I’m horrible if you must, but the thump was NOT a beating, and it was to emphasized the point!  The point being, the “talking to” was not open for debate, for example imagine being 5 and chasing a ball into the street in front of an oncoming car!  Get the picture?!  That was NOT open for debate.  I get the feeling that when someone talks "AT" someone, the person on the receiving end is off thinking about what else they wish they were doing!!! 

I enjoy conversing "with" those I'm in a relationship with.  I am not without the need of learning and when you "share" you offer the opportunity of gaining knowledge.  Another description just entered my mind.  I'm sitting in a lecture hall with the professor going on, in a monotone voice, ad nauseam. Hmmm! Now that I think about it, the classes I did best in, were the smaller interactive ones! 

Looking up!~Barb

Trees

Originally written this fall....

Standing at my kitchen window this morning, with a cup of coffee in my hand, I looked out at the spectacular fall colors.  As I stood there, a thought came to my mind, people are like trees.  In the spring time of life, we start fresh with blooms/buds and as each tree shoots forth, new branches form and leaves slowly uncurl and are shiny and new, and little.  There is a sense of promise.   How tall will they grow? 

As the trees mature, they come into their summer season.  Most trees are similar at this point.  Green.  Isn’t that just like our teenage and young adult years?  We are green in our expectations of what the world holds for us.  We try many different hats on, before becoming the people we were destined to be!  Our trees put forth new branches and some are meant to stay and others need to be cut back.  Pruning makes us grow, just like a tree, it enables the juices to flow in direction, allowing us to hit new heights rather than just nourishing what has already been in existence.

Fall, my favorite time of the year.  This is when we finally make our distinctions.  Look outside, see the golden leaves, see the hennas, the browns and yes, still some greens.  Fall is this time in my life.  I am ok with who I am and I find it is ok to be decidedly different, not conforming to anyone else’s idea of who I should be.  Some could look to this as a sad time, some might think they are past their prime.  Not me, the numbers associated with my name – be they age, dimensions or weight are inconsequential to me.  We have matured, and our personalities are the colors of the leaves in fall.  Each color is vibrant and all together they speak of God’s beauty in our lives.

Winter, most but not all, the leaves are down.  I say this, because I have 2 oak trees that hang on tight to their leaves until the new shoots of spring push them aside.  Winter continues with its beauty too though.  Look at the tree barks, see their uniqueness, areas where it is rough, areas where it has been pruned.  Note the striations of color along its heights.  Notice the shape, is it tall and upright, or bent by the wind? No matter, it still has a story to share, the rings of its life are carefully etched into its core, only visible when it gets felled.

All this reminds me that we are all created by God, no two alike… some trees are stronger than others, some trees are free of grain, others  have knotholes, some trees served a purpose and then were forever twisted to never be able to serve that purpose again (a dogwood made up the cross).  No matter what variety of tree you have been in my life, your foliage is and has been a beautiful sight to behold.  Finally, some tree roots are shallow and some run quite deep and this too has its purpose, whether the roots are meant for a  reason, season or lifetime, they are a blessing to me. 

Looking up!~Barb

Letting Go

“Whatever you are holding on to in this life, hold it loosely so it won’t hurt when the Lord has to pry your fingers open to take it away.” [1]  Hmmm.  What are we holding on to, good or bad that we can’t seem to let go of?  This can be an ideal established a long time ago, or a recent inaccurate description of ourselves that loops around our brains telling us we aren’t worthy!  We can even be holding on to relationships with others that no longer fulfill either of our needs.  What about our kids?  Do we allow them the ability to forge ahead in life, making their own mistakes and suffering the consequences of them? 

I have a difficult time saying good bye.  I dislike endings and will hold onto some things and relationships years after they are over, sometimes even re-visiting them.  I’m not sure why I do this, maybe I’m thinking that the years in between might have somehow changed whatever the circumstances were that made the relationship not work out in the first place.  I’ve been known to re-read a book, now I know the ending isn’t going to change, isn’t that the same thing?!

In regard to our kids, I’m not suggesting we terminate our relationship with them, but I believe we have to allow that relationship to grow to a new level, especially as they grow and mature.  By holding them in our grip so tightly that they feel they must still succumb to our every command is only to invite animosity from them.  Years ago, I read the book, “The Prophet” by Kahil Gibran.  I’m paraphrasing here, but he said “Your children are not your children; they come through you but not from you.  You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.”  I feel that all my relationships including my children are gifts given to me, from God.

I learned a lesson, fairly early in motherhood.  As I mentioned before, my nephew, Rick passed away in 1989 at the age of 20 from leukemia.  I watched how nothing medical science tried, could save this young man’s life.  I remember Nancy saying it took her 9 months to have him and 9 months to lose him.  No amount of their trying to hang on, kept death from their doorstep.   Shortly after Rick passed away, I dedicated my children to God.  I remember saying that I realized that they were His children, and am blessed that He saw fit to loan them to me.  I have not had the experience, nor do I want the experience of losing one of my children and please understand I am not minimizing the pain involved with losing a child!  

I hold my kids, my husband, my parents, my sisters/brothers and my closest friends near and dear to my heart, but I hold them loosely.  Yes, I do have expectations, but I am also aware that we humans are imperfect.  My expectations are not unrealistic expectations, ones whereby I believe anyone can meet each and every need I have, nor can I meet all of theirs, but I do expect to be treated in a loving manner. I expect honesty and want to be able to trust.  Relationships in my view are verbs implying actions, not nouns that are descriptions and inanimate.

When Nancy was sick, I had a conversation with God.  I was asleep, when this occurred.  I remember Him saying to me, “Barb, you have a choice.  You can help with Nancy’s care, or choose not to, but, should you choose, you must be willing to let go when its time.”  I was crying my eyes out, and I said no, I couldn’t do it, I didn’t know what to do, how to do it and I wasn’t going to be able to let go.  I was sobbing and Bruce never woke up!  In about 2 minutes time, my no, turned into an emphatic yes and everything I needed was provided for.  Yes, eventually I did have to let go, and it wasn’t easy, nor is it still, but the experience was one of the most significantly beautiful experiences in my life!  I shared this same story when I gave her eulogy (something I never thought I’d do, as public speaking is NOT in my comfort zone).  In fact my opening line was, look what you have me doing now!  Oh to be sure, God had to pry my hands open!

Picture your hand tightly gripping something or in anger.   Look at it, it is in a fist.  How can you possibly receive anything if your hand is in a fist?  By releasing “whatever”, you are also opening your hand to the possibilities!  Could you be only holding on to something because of the fear of the unknown?  I can only say that for me, when I let go and opened myself (hand and life) to God, EVERYTHING I needed was provided and still is. 

Looking up!~ Barb

[1][1] Priscilla Shrier, Jonah:Navigating a Life Interrupted

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On a lighter note

Life isn’t always about “troubles” and I fear that my recent bloggings have some wondering if there is any joy in my life!  Most assuredly there is!  I am happily married, with 2 great kids, who are also about to be married.  Both kids are out of the house, and no, that isn’t the reason for my joy!  We also have 2 very exuberant and large golden retrievers, who keep us quite active.

I love to laugh.  I live my life or at least try to, in a manner whereby I am able to see humor in most days.  I am a practical joker at times and I’m not afraid to laugh at myself, which is key!  I come by my humor naturally, having a Mom, who is quite the quick wit.  Even though she is going through times of dementia, she seems to be able to manage a zinger or two.

I’ve lived in North Carolina for the past 19 years; my parents live in a suburb outside of Philadelphia, PA.  A few years back they came for a visit and traveled by air.  Before it became the thing to do, meaning before the airlines started charging ticketing fees for luggage, my parents would ship their clothes so as not to have baggage woes.  That said, what is it about older folks who can go away for a week and bring 1 change of clothes and their PJ’s, while your teenager going for 3 days needs to bring their entire closet?!  Anyway, I digress.

On their return trip home, I took my parents into the airport to the ticketing counter.  They did their normal routine of handing over the driver’s license, etc.  The girl at the gate then asked about luggage, noticing my parents didn’t have any.  This was all done in casual chit chat, you know, did you come for a visit, how long, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Anyway, after being asked this question, my Mom, without batting an eye, states that she and my Dad were just returning home after being away at a nudist colony!  Oh my gosh!  My Dad almost had a stroke laughing and my head whipped around so fast, I should have had whiplash!

Years ago our kids were on the neighborhood swim team.  At the end of every year, the team had an awards banquet.  My husband and I are pretty conservative, especially in front of our kids.  The kids were at an age, where it wasn’t cool to be heading down to the pool with your Mom and Dad, so they went on ahead.  Somehow, I was able to coerce my husband into doing a practical joke with me.  Have you ever seen the “thong” t-shirt?  You know, the one that looks like you are wearing a bathing suit?  Well, I just so happened to have one for each of us.  We put on these “cover ups” and headed to the pool.  The way our pool is set up, the pavillion, where the banquet is being held, is down at the lower pool.  Bruce and I walk in and are standing at the steps going down to the lower pool, scanning the crowd, for the kids.  The pool area has gone silent, literally you could hear a pin drop.  As people turned to look at the cause (which happened to be us), their mouths dropped open.  First of all, I have gray hair, not that it matters other than you might not expect the look I was attempting, with the age that goes with the hair.  From a distance, these shirts look like the real deal!!  And I know, that those looking up at us, are not registering who Bruce and I are, as much as they are thinking, this is a neighborhood pool, and who in the heck would dare to show up like that!  Then, they recognized us and the laughter started!

Guess who was able to get their Mom into this same shirt!!!  Yep!  I’m surprised my Dad is still alive!  We have given him more shocks that lead to fits of laughter…..you just never know what might come next!  My motto….expect the unexpected!

The bottom line is that I don’t take myself so seriously anymore.  I try to incorporate fun whenever and wherever I can.  Laughter is a great way to relieve stress.  Years ago, I was way too serious, but what I learned from the experience was that I was trying to fit into someone else’s idea of who I should be.  It wasn’t working for me, believe me!  When I taught I was a no nonsense type teacher, ask my future daughter-in-law, when I took classes at the Y, I was the instructor’s class clown, quite innocently on my part, I wasn’t trying to be obnoxious.  Now, it is just about seeing the humor in everyday life and sharing that with others, not at anyone’s expense!!   Look for something to laugh about (not at) and have a great day!

Looking up! ~Barb

Support systems

The most difficult thing in life is watching someone self-destruct.  We can stand by, and offer encouragement but we can’t do the one thing they need to do, which is take the first step.

I am not trained in any way as a counselor, or as a therapist, I’m only a friend, so on this particular journey, I feel I’m in way over my head.  At times, I’ve given up, not knowing what to do next and then I think, if this were me going through this difficult time, wouldn’t I want someone to care enough to persevere?  Some people would say, let the family deal with it.  What if the family doesn’t know?!  But also, sometimes friends are closer than family!  Do we just pass the buck?  I’m not alone in this endeavor or even the “lead” person, but I am still involved and care a great deal!

God places people in your life for a reason. On six differing occasions, I’ve had six friends who have had to deal with cancer.  Five of the six survived their ordeals.  The first friend to brave this battle happened when I was in college and I’m guessing my exposure was just to have my heart become tenderized.  I wasn’t able to “do” anything for her.  The second one occurred when I was a teaching, and basically I just took over her household and bulldozed my way through without a clue.  Number three, held me at a bit of a distance, she’s very private, but at least allowed me to help with some meals and provide verbal support.  Nancy, my BFF and the only one not to survive, was number four and well, there wasn’t one aspect of her care that she didn’t allow me to be part of!  Number five was long distance telephone support and number six is ongoing current support again from a bit of a distance.   While the support may vary in its type, it provided a link of “caring.”   All of this is not to give myself a pat on the back; I’m trying to figure out why I’ve been led in this direction!  The one thing all of these situations showed me was that perseverance is necessary and also helps prove my point about how some friends can be as close as family! 

We are trying to pass this information along to this self-destructing friend.  The problem is, she is stuck down in a black hole and I’m getting the feeling she doesn’t know which way to reach to get out.  When we reach in, she’s too embarrassed to grab a hold.  We keep pointing her to God’s word and how in our brokenness, He is able to work miracles, but it seems to be beyond her capability to understand at this point.  BTW, we just don’t offer these “pat” answers, we have given concrete suggestions as well such as starting with the smallest of steps, because to take one small step is at least a beginning of movement.

Did you ever hear the story about the man in the flood?  The man is sitting in his home watching the water rise and he prays to God, “please help me.”  A man in a boat comes by and says, “get in; I’ll take you to safety”.  The man replies back, “no, God will save me.”  As the water continues to rise, he prays again, this time from the roof of his house, “God, please save me!”  A helicopter flies by and offers to send down a rope to lift the man to safety, again the man says, “no, God will save me.”  Finally, the waters sweep the man away.  When he gets to heaven and meets up with God, he says, “God, I prayed and asked you to save me, why didn’t you?”  God looks back at the man and says, “but I tried, I sent you a boat and a helicopter, why didn’t you use what I sent you?”

 What prayers have you prayed that might have been answered, but answered so simply, that you brushed them away?  Answers from God, probably aren’t as complex and unrecognizable as we think they might be!  And just so you know, I’ve been the person caught in the flood!  I’ve been independent and I don’t ask people for help!  There is a word for that, it is pride.  And that is a topic for another day!

The bottom line is that God loves us enough to send caring people into our lives.  Sometimes we push these people away, but the ones we call friends, are the ones who don’t walk away when the times get tough, they hang in there and sometimes have to make difficult decisions, when the person they care about can’t or won’t.  Hopefully you never have to see that day!

Looking up! ~ Barb