Goodbye

As I walked from the room, I smiled and said Goodbye, meaning I’ll see you again, same time, same place where we will once again share the joys of our friendship.  My heart was full and I felt content feeling as if the bond of connection was fortified.  I would look forward to our next visit.  For me, I always like them sooner than later because I’ve learned that time is so precious and true connections so rare.

But today time ran out and that goodbye meant there isn’t a same time, same place and the joy of seeing your face light up will now be a treasured memory for me.  You have gone home and I will certainly miss you.  In the short time I’ve known you, you were truly the beautiful creation of God in my life, happy to see me, without complaint and filled with His love.  We accepted each other and just enjoyed the minutes spent together.

I signed up for this privilege and have no regrets but it doesn’t make saying goodbye any less difficult.  I look forward to our next meeting some time and some place, where once again joy will light up your face, but this time the joy will be without pain or fear.  Thanks for your blessings, I am forever changed because of what you’ve meant in my life.

Rest in God’s arms, and drink of His peace and if you could possibly look to save me a seat we will have much to catch up on when next we shall meet.

I am a hospice volunteer and just was called to say that my first patient passed away this weekend.  I cannot begin to tell you what a wonderful organization Hospice is.  I am NOT anyone special, in my willingness to volunteer here.  In many ways I was fearful of this day and what my reaction would be to it and while there are tears, there are such blessings.  I didn't think I had what it took to do this and postponed signing up to do this for years and now, well suffice it to say, at least I'm here now.  I do not wish for accolades in regard to this post (nor any of my posts).  I post for the simple reason of sharing my thoughts that have resulted from God's blessings and if someone resonates with them or is inspired than God is then praised.

Looking up!

Barb

Here comes da judge

"For He is always at hand to take the side of the needy, to rescue a life from the unjust judge." Msg.

Every time I think of judging another, I think of the scene from the Shack, where "God" asks Mac to choose only 2 of his kids to be able to go to heaven with him.  The impossibility of that, should but does not always, stop me in my tracks from judging others.  Think about it from your own perspective.....if you are the parent of 2 children, force yourself to pick one to be able to go on to a life of eternal reward, but realize that you are relegating the other to the hopelessness and desolation of hell forever.

We live in a harsh world and somehow we've made ourselves into demi-gods of our kingdoms.  Because of certain blessings in our lives, we believe we know the one true (right) way.  This is a dangerous road to travel because it is one of pride; afterall, it was God NOT us who gifted whatever those blessings were into our lives. 

The call placed in each of our lives is only to love and then serve one another.  After all, we don't know what adversities the person we are judging is working through.  Our view might be through our own rose-colored glasses.  The most difficult thing to remember is that we are ALL children, God's children, so when we sit in judgment we are in essence trying to point out to God, why it is WE feel that our brother or sister in Christ doesn't deserve to be chosen for a lifetime of eternal reward.

Looking up having just stepped on the ouch button!

Barb

I'm not......

Have you ever uttered the words…”I’m  not”__________  followed by enough?  There are all sorts of words we can use that can fit that blank – rich, thin, pretty, smart, fast, tall, big, talented, young, or old are just a few, but the word for me today, was experienced.  I have all sorts of pieces of paper with my name on it stating that I have passed this or that, that I’ve accomplished such and such goals,  I have raised two children (and they turned out okay – oops sorry, my standards), I’ve graduated from elementary, junior high, high school and college but the piece of paper I’m lacking,  is the certificate from the school of hardknocks and that seems to be the one I’ve mastered in, I just don’t have the piece of paper to prove it!  The school of hard knocks seemingly emphasizes the “I’m not” statement and interestingly this is on a sliding scale of an unknown model.  Some would have the lack of experience be a trainable feature, just not in the jobs I’m applying for! 

I received another rejection (although this time I actually was rejected over the phone by a person not a form letter).  The interviewer asked about my experience, because it didn’t show up on my resume.  I was happy to fill her in, but the qualifier for the position was that I had to have been “paid” for my services for them to count.  Isn’t that illegal?  Oh wait, we aren’t talking prostitution, we’re applying for a job.  Sorry!  I’m trying not to be discouraged here, but I’m having difficulty.  I remember encouraging my son when he was looking for a job and he was worried about his youth and lack of experience; I suggested that he make some statement to the effect of “tell your prospective employers that you won’t have to unlearn bad habits, that you are completely malleable to their way of doing whatever the position calls for.”  Seems to have worked, he’s got a great job. 

I can understand needing experience if I was trying to work as a nuclear power plant builder – hmmmmmm, I wonder where they got their experience, you know, the first guy they hired…..This isn’t a bitter diatribe, this is in fact a stress reliever with the intent that others may relate to my situation and if you do, I’d love to hear how and what you did to move past it.

By the way, the position I am seeking was one where I had to pay to take a class, pay to take a test and pass to get my license.  The job requirements are to have passed high school, and be in good standing with the state association and it involves care-giving.  Now, don’t misunderstand me, there are standards of care that should and do need to be met, that I’m not quibbling with; but having volunteered as well as “interned”, I am well aware that my standard of administering care is above average and especially when compared to what I have seen dispensed recently.  I may not have “paid” experience, but I have professional references, who can attest to my abilities.  I have cared for others as they have gone through various cancers and the level of care I performed was no different than what I would be asked to adminster for pay.  Who knew I should have been charging?!  Some would say, well just go suck it up and go somewhere to get experience and yes, I could do so, but I am not a job hopper and as I said to the nice woman who did the telephone interview, I just don’t believe in going after something I don’t plan to stick with.  It kind of wastes everyone’s time doesn’t it? 

When I hung up the phone after the rejection call, my first reaction were tears, my second was to pray that God show me the path, because I just don’t seem to be getting it! This is my third reaction and in the background Abba’s singing….”Take a chance on me”. 

If you see me, I’ll be looking…… and just so you know......"I'm not" is just the lie of the enemy, because God promises us that He is (enough) and together with Him the only "I'm not" that is true, is that I'm not defeated!

Looking up!

Barb

Are we for real?

Hey there friends, sorry for the absence, I’ve been under review for a bit, just doing a necessary re-eval as to what is and isn’t important (in my opinion).  Sometimes when we struggle in life, it does us good to pull up and stop the insanity for a bit.  I’ve been there recently and it wasn’t a good feeling, hopefully I’m on my way back.

I have been blessed with so much in my life and for the past 5 years, events have taken a turn from the seemingly easy side of life, to one where I am being made to take a position on where I stand about the things in my life.  Life as I use to enjoy has changed dramatically.  I’m talking socially, financially, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Not all have been “bad” changes, but still changes nonetheless.

Friendships and finances have come and gone, physically and mentally I’ve been challenged which has resulted in emotional changes as well.  But the biggest change that has come about in me is in the spiritual sense and I feel that it is because all of the aforementioned areas which have taken a beating.   Finally I learned to lean on God.  And you know what?  I wouldn’t have it any other way, only maybe wishing I would have come to the realization sooner!

“Blessing is not found in the amount of stuff we surround ourselves with but in the joy we receive from doing the will of God – in the contentment we find in needing less and trusting God with our supply.  The blessings of God come to those who find nothing more valuable than doing His will.”

Now compare the above statement taken from the book “Unstuff” by Hayley and Micheal Dimarco and compare that with a recent show I watched on television where they were highlighting the most recent up-to-date bathroom amenities.  There was a toilet that did everything imaginable but wipe your backside (and it might have offered that as a feature; I may have missed it).  The toilet cost upwards of $6000.  When I “IMed” a friend about that on Facebook, her comment was Holy S**T.  I’m not sure if she knew her comment was a great play on words, but I’m running with it.  Loosely! Waht a waste!  Literally and figuratively! 

There are people who live in this country who don’t have money for homes, food, clothing etc. and yet there are some who have money  enough to even toy with the idea of buying a toilet at that price…..and don’t even get me started on million dollar buses!  Any attempt to try to dispute that statement is a rationalization of why anything that grandiose is necessary.  Have we lost our ever loving minds?!  Everything permissable is not necessarily beneficial!

For the past 4 years, business has taken its toll on our finances and it has made me look at things from a very different perspective and I’d be a fool to say I haven’t learned anything from this…..but I’m more than ready for the lesson to be over.  But, and I’d like to say when, but I’m not sure when will ever occur for us, but when the economy finally gets back on track, I plan to take these lessons and keep applying them for what they are – truth!

Clutter (having too much stuff) is a silent destructive force destined to make us keep seeking the “high” it gives us.  We are its slave, watching helplessly as it ruins us financially sapping our joy thus ruining us emotionally.  There will always be bigger, better, and newer stuff for us to buy.  The more we buy, yes, it helps our economy grow…..well it would if the stuff bought was made in America…..that said, the more we buy the more stress we find ourselves having to deal with because we then have to “work” to maintain it.  This is ultimately killing us and then what becomes of all of our stuff?  It either gets thrown out or passed down to our kids who don’t know what to do with it.

Want to feel good about yourself?  A friend and I just took a bunch of our stuff down to Crisis Assistance Ministries here in Charlotte.  We donated it and it won’t be re-sold, but instead given to those who are in need.  Does your town have one of these ministries?  I was at a party 2 weekends ago and was appalled to find out that one of the big retailers actually gets rid of their “food” by throwing it out because they are worried about liability issues.  Their furniture gets mashed up in a compactor, I’m not exactly sure why…..but again it could be because of liability issues.  All because we live in a “sue” happy world, looking to get rich off our stupidity, when we dump hot coffee in our laps because we have to have it in our cars as we drive while we  juggle our phones, razors, combs and lipstick while we are driving.  Oh, I forgot to mention the books and newspapers being read while some drive as well!

Wow!  Maybe I’m not ready to be back yet.  Do any of us see ourselves in any of this?  Is it only me?  Sorry if I offended anyone, but can we just get real!

Looking up!

Barb

Light vs. Dark

I am sitting on my deck watching the early morning light unfurl the blossoms of my water lilies.  Interestingly, at night, these same blooms are clenched tight like a fist, which leads me to think about the light in our lives and how we react to it.  As I sit here enjoying my cup of coffee, one of my golden retrievers, Belle, came up and laid her head in my lap, allowing me to affectionately rub behind her ears for a few minutes, before she walked away seemingly content for that moment.

So, what do the two have in common?  This might be a stretch for some to understand, but I’ll give it a whirl.  In my view, we represent the light of God to those around us (now our pets might not understand that, but our friends do)!  The attention we show to one another might be the only source of a light they react to, thus allowing themselves, like the blossom, to unfurl during the day.

If someone you liked, and trusted walked up to you and handed you a gift, would you turn them away?  Friendship is a gift too, but one taken for granted all too often and by that I mean, in our busy lives, we often need the time to unfurl, but because of our schedules, we are just too tired to expose ourselves to light.  When light is absent from us, we stay locked in that “fist” and the stress and tension build up.

God is the source of that light and whether or not we want to acknowledge that, we all have a sense of when we need something different than what is seemingly absent from our lives.  We may not know what it is we are seeking, and we try numerous avenues to try and figure it out, all the while it is right there in front of us.

The trusting nature of my dog allowed her to sense what she needed and she came right up to me allowing me the opportunity to meet her need.  My love ones know how to reach me and I have reached out on many occasions when I have felt their need, but they didn’t recognize it and in a manner of speaking rejected my offer.

I had a friend reach out earlier this week, asking for a prayer of protection as she felt darkness looming around her.  Her work schedule is above and beyond what most would find typical, yes I lifted her up in prayer and her comment back to me, was what a difference the past two days have been.  No, I don’t have special powers, but God does and I have a feeling that in her request to me, she was able to feel God’s loving hand reach out to her.  But here’s the thing, my prayer and what I hope is God’s solution is not for a temporary remedy, but one where this darkness she was feeling from her impossible workload, be one where a real change can take place.  She will only be effective in her position if she is able to produce and if the demands are too high, one will only spin in circles trying to put out fires, rather than accomplishing anything of purpose!  But kudos to her for asking for help, this is precisely what I feel God asks each one of us to do!  But do we?  I'm the one of the praying end of this request, and unfortunately I have to admit, that I don't ask for prayer on my behalf.....on others behalf, I'm right there, but on my behalf, while they are needed, I'm either too proud to ask or feel too insignificant to bother anyone with the request.  And that my friends is the essence of what many of us feel!

We need to “yield ourselves to the moving of the Spirit in our hearts and minister as “I” arrange your contacts, without looking around to make your own choices.”  “I” meaning God!  Sometimes we need to offer up what has been termed “split second” prayers that put us in touch with His Presence and it is as simple as saying “Help me.”  “Don’t worry about what is around the next bend.  Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me.” 

There’s that trusting nature I’m referring to.  In a few months, I will have had my CNA license a year.  I have not found the job I was hoping for – I want to work on a cancer floor or in Hospice and consequently I feel like I’ve failed in my purpose, so when reading the last paragraph this morning it came to my attention that it isn’t about my purpose, but His.  If my passion of care-giving is not to materialize, then my second passion would be  writing not for my glory, but His.  This is a journey that I am on and I don’t try to paint the picture that I’ve got it altogether, I’m learning along the way as well!   I’ve worried far too long about what is around the bend, even as recently as this morning!

Like Belle, I need to go to my Master, laying my cares in His hands and allowing for His affection to reach out and touch me.  I hope I will start recognizing this, because His Light is available for me each and every day, I may just be looking in the wrong direction or too prideful to ask for the help I need!

Looking up!

Barb

Well it was funny to me!!

Sometimes life presents opportunities that are too good to pass up and the past 24 hours have been the perfect storm of laughter at our house!  I don’t even know where to begin, and I don’t mean to mislead anyone, it wasn’t only at our house, but between my husband and me, wherever we might have been.

First, my computer at work (see it isn’t just at our house) is working as a time machine.  We currently are some aspect of the future, since the last check I wrote, which was this morning, was dated June 26, 2006.  Re-read that slowly, I don’t want you to miss it!  On my e-mails, it lists the categories of receipt as yesterday, today and some date in the future…..did you know you even had that category?  I didn’t!

Last night at dinner, I asked Bruce how the tomatoes were and he would normally say something to the effect of “alright”, what I heard last night was a grunt.  The conversation that preceded that though was a series of other grunts, meaning I said something and he apparently didn’t hear me and said “huh?”  so I repeated the question and again he said “huh? , by the time I got the grunt about the tomatoes, I was choking with laughter…..because I understood what each grunt meant!  Ok, so now you know that we are either weird or on something!  Obviously being married almost 30 years and working together for the last 15 has taken its toll!

This morning, I was reading on a friend’s status on Facebook about our names in Japanese.  See below!

TRY YOUR NAME IN JAPANESE:
A= ka, B=tu, C= mi, D= te, E= ku, F=lu, g= ji, H= ri, I= ki, J= zu,
K= me, L= ta, M= rin, N= to, O= mo, P= no, Q= ke, R= shi, S= ari,
T= chi, U= do, V= ru, W=mei, X= na, Y= fu, Z= zi.......

If I go with Barbara, mine is Tukashitukashika…….but I don’t go by Barbara, I go by Barb.

So Barb = Tukashitu

So, at lunch today, I’m envisioning Bruce introducing me to a new client.  This is my wife, Tukashitu and the client looking aghast (or a gas) and saying that’s rather personal isn’t it? 

Or someone yelling for me off in the distance – “Tukashitu” and someone nearby looking around asking, are you talking to me?  Or who wants to know?

Do I need to be spelling this out or are you getting it?  Break it down and not by the way the letters are written in the above alphabet…… try the 3 letters, then 1 letter, then 4 letters and then 1 letter method!

Finally, I was on the phone while trying to eat lunch.  Hey, business is slow these days, you don’t put off a phone call for any reason…..anyway, I had the phone stretched on its bungee cord about 5 feet, and I was trying to write down what the person on the other end was saying….well, I could feel the phone slipping and it shot across the 5 foot expanse just like someone bungee jumping, I literally had to take cover!  This elicited guffaws and almost snorts on both the part of my husband and I, and I had to get it together and get back on the phone after it stopped pingponging all over the place.  You know the harder you try not to laugh, well….

Tukashitu

Wind sails

Psalm 102:23 says "In the course of my life, He broke my strength" NIV

Psalm 102:23 says "God sovereignly brought me to my knees" Msg

Have you ever had the wind taken out of your sails?  I mean, you are going along in life relatively well one minute and then the next minute, life as you knew it has changed forever!  For a person who thinks they are in control this is that feeling of being broken.  Your mask oops mast has fallen!

I can look back on my life and remember a girl I worked with.  Her parents owned their own business and it went bankrupt.  I remember feeling sad and hoping that I would never have to endure that "failing" feeling.  But it is in our failures that we have the opportunity to witness God's grace.  So many of us worry about what failure says about us.  Failures test our trust in God.  Are you all talk in regard to your trust in God?

 Failures hurt our egos aka wind sails.  We love the look or our sails, all puffed up and billowy as we streamline through life's choppy waters. We think we are the source of power behind our circumstances.  When the winds of adversity die though, we are no longer powered by them and then have to resort to other measures to navigate life's stillness and too often we find we are out of gas.

When we come to the end of ourselves, do we find nothing or do we find God?

Looking up!~ Barb